emotional spectrum of a ficus...
I feel messy.
I just spent 2 minutes crying because I suddenly realized I'm an aging, frigid, emotionally bereft mess. And I can't fix it. There's no medicine that helps it, and I probably wouldn't take it anyway because I wouldn't want to pass it onto A'den.
So... what do I do? I wonder if I'm fat. If I'm not pretty enough. I try to make myself feels pretty by changing my hair or wearing makeup, but it doesn't change anything. It's all fake.
When I look at myself, which I've taken to doing less and less, all I see is angles, and bags from not sleeping, and frown lines. There's not a happy person there, and there should be.
I feel like I'm breaking again. Or maybe I was never fixed. I don't know.
This all stems from me. Me and my intimacy issues, which I might add are no longer issues, but that doesn't matter as I have to wait 4 more weeks to prove it.
But if it weren't an issue, would I want to prove it? Hell yeah!
I want to prove to myself that I'm not scared of being close to Chris again.
That's what last year was all about. I got scared because I realized I was growing up, settling down, and I felt like Chris wouldn't want me, COULDN'T want me, because I was older and physically showing it.
I felt so unpretty... and I still do.
I'm scared because I wouldn't want me.
And I can't compete with pictures or girls on the street. I can't even compete with fictional characters on tv and in movies.
What's so wonderful about me? What? So I've had two kids. Cause that's so attractive. I personally don't consider shooting two kids out of oneself to be arousing.
So what do I do?
I'm going to read my stories where no one ages and there's always a hapy ending. Where no one worries about rent and car payments. Where everyone is beautiful and even Sakura and Gaara are the perfect couple.
Because I'm an escapist. And I'm pathetic.
It's gonna be a long night. Hopefully tomorrow feels better.
"If I was beautiful like you, oh the things I would do.
Those not so blessed would be cryin out murder,
and I'd just laugh and get away with it too,
like you do.
If I was beautiful like you, I would never be at fault.
I would walk in the rain, between the raindrops,
bringing traffic to a halt.
But that will never be,
no it will never ever be,
cause I'm not beautiful like you,
I'm beautiful like me..."
Joydrop "Beautiful"
"He wants to grab her by the ear and tell her,
'I want to hold you close,
skin pressed against me tight,
lie still close your eyes girl,
so close it feels so right.
I want to hold you close,
Soft skin, beating heart,
as I whisper in your ear,
'I want to fucking tear you apart'"
She Wants Revenge "Tear You Apart"
I just spent 2 minutes crying because I suddenly realized I'm an aging, frigid, emotionally bereft mess. And I can't fix it. There's no medicine that helps it, and I probably wouldn't take it anyway because I wouldn't want to pass it onto A'den.
So... what do I do? I wonder if I'm fat. If I'm not pretty enough. I try to make myself feels pretty by changing my hair or wearing makeup, but it doesn't change anything. It's all fake.
When I look at myself, which I've taken to doing less and less, all I see is angles, and bags from not sleeping, and frown lines. There's not a happy person there, and there should be.
I feel like I'm breaking again. Or maybe I was never fixed. I don't know.
This all stems from me. Me and my intimacy issues, which I might add are no longer issues, but that doesn't matter as I have to wait 4 more weeks to prove it.
But if it weren't an issue, would I want to prove it? Hell yeah!
I want to prove to myself that I'm not scared of being close to Chris again.
That's what last year was all about. I got scared because I realized I was growing up, settling down, and I felt like Chris wouldn't want me, COULDN'T want me, because I was older and physically showing it.
I felt so unpretty... and I still do.
I'm scared because I wouldn't want me.
And I can't compete with pictures or girls on the street. I can't even compete with fictional characters on tv and in movies.
What's so wonderful about me? What? So I've had two kids. Cause that's so attractive. I personally don't consider shooting two kids out of oneself to be arousing.
So what do I do?
I'm going to read my stories where no one ages and there's always a hapy ending. Where no one worries about rent and car payments. Where everyone is beautiful and even Sakura and Gaara are the perfect couple.
Because I'm an escapist. And I'm pathetic.
It's gonna be a long night. Hopefully tomorrow feels better.
"If I was beautiful like you, oh the things I would do.
Those not so blessed would be cryin out murder,
and I'd just laugh and get away with it too,
like you do.
If I was beautiful like you, I would never be at fault.
I would walk in the rain, between the raindrops,
bringing traffic to a halt.
But that will never be,
no it will never ever be,
cause I'm not beautiful like you,
I'm beautiful like me..."
Joydrop "Beautiful"
"He wants to grab her by the ear and tell her,
'I want to hold you close,
skin pressed against me tight,
lie still close your eyes girl,
so close it feels so right.
I want to hold you close,
Soft skin, beating heart,
as I whisper in your ear,
'I want to fucking tear you apart'"
She Wants Revenge "Tear You Apart"