still here...
so I've gotten to thinking... have I really changed that much? time period being in the last 10 years?
I feel like I was this quiet little creature in high school who didn't speak unless it was to her friends. I certainly wasn't confident, I mean, jeezus, it took my two weeks to ask jake to the prom and I only did that because he was supposedly so hawt.
no offense, but not my type. granted- intelligent, tall, funny, interested in the same music as me, but not my type.
digressing now. it seems like I was always looking to other people to tell me how to act. like when luke mauzy watched me eat a lollipop and inferred that I would be good at giving dome? yeah, totally innocent. I had no idea what he was talking about until I got home, and then I blushed 5 shades of red. and couldn't look at him for the rest of the week.
so why does this matter to me? I don't know.
I feel like maybe i've lost myself. Like maybe that girl was who I am, and now i'm just a poor facsimile created from unfortunate circumstances that i've had to endure.
one would look at me now and say, "but stacee, you speak to people you've never met, you're funny and outgoing, you live each day like it's a blessing!"
but I don't. I try to fill awkward silence with conversation about nothing, I crack jokes that have no bearing on any social situation, I live each day like I don't know what's going on. I'm socially stunted.
or so it feels.
I think that's the reason I used to smoke so much pot. because it mAde it okay to be myself. people got my jokes. they appreciated the odd things that came to mind.
I'd sit on my back porch listening to 'nights with alice cooper' and smoking, having constant wtf moments which would turn into serious conversation. the lack of an actual segue was okay.
now, I feel guilty even eating a candy bar, because it's sweet and full of fat. so I eat fruit, thinking, "hey! no scurvy!"
wow, psychosis.
how do people deal with this level of thought?
I was called a cunt today. I deserved bitch. I got cunt.
and it bothered me.
it bothered me because you don't just say cunt. you use it to demean someone because you don't respect them. it's the same as referring to your wife as "a fuckhole" or "that which makes me dinner". it's subjugation.
I deserved bitch.
and now, that simple word has gotten me tied in knots because I can't get it out of my head. it echoes.
somewhere I wonder if my dad ever called my mom that after a particularly long night of drinking. it would explain why I hate it. knowing my parents, my mom called my dad that.
my powers of evasion are strong as ever. i'm talking about issues without talking about what really has me bothered. I don't know, thought.
I can't identify what has me staying up until 3 in the morning every day. it could be anything.
lets see. the state won't help us with rent, so we haven't been able to pay this month. I haven't paid my cell bill, nor my electric bill. on the 17th, I owe timebuyers $315 for my car payment...
or it could be that I don't have the income to care for two kids and chris right now.
no ones going to help because no one actually cares. people say thing like, "aww, that sucks" but that doesn't drop $600 in the mail.
ugh. i'm blogging to feel better, and yet...
fuck it, I need sleep.
and episode 121 of Shippuden to be subbed and released. damn Karin's annoying.
ja... bedtime...
I feel like I was this quiet little creature in high school who didn't speak unless it was to her friends. I certainly wasn't confident, I mean, jeezus, it took my two weeks to ask jake to the prom and I only did that because he was supposedly so hawt.
no offense, but not my type. granted- intelligent, tall, funny, interested in the same music as me, but not my type.
digressing now. it seems like I was always looking to other people to tell me how to act. like when luke mauzy watched me eat a lollipop and inferred that I would be good at giving dome? yeah, totally innocent. I had no idea what he was talking about until I got home, and then I blushed 5 shades of red. and couldn't look at him for the rest of the week.
so why does this matter to me? I don't know.
I feel like maybe i've lost myself. Like maybe that girl was who I am, and now i'm just a poor facsimile created from unfortunate circumstances that i've had to endure.
one would look at me now and say, "but stacee, you speak to people you've never met, you're funny and outgoing, you live each day like it's a blessing!"
but I don't. I try to fill awkward silence with conversation about nothing, I crack jokes that have no bearing on any social situation, I live each day like I don't know what's going on. I'm socially stunted.
or so it feels.
I think that's the reason I used to smoke so much pot. because it mAde it okay to be myself. people got my jokes. they appreciated the odd things that came to mind.
I'd sit on my back porch listening to 'nights with alice cooper' and smoking, having constant wtf moments which would turn into serious conversation. the lack of an actual segue was okay.
now, I feel guilty even eating a candy bar, because it's sweet and full of fat. so I eat fruit, thinking, "hey! no scurvy!"
wow, psychosis.
how do people deal with this level of thought?
I was called a cunt today. I deserved bitch. I got cunt.
and it bothered me.
it bothered me because you don't just say cunt. you use it to demean someone because you don't respect them. it's the same as referring to your wife as "a fuckhole" or "that which makes me dinner". it's subjugation.
I deserved bitch.
and now, that simple word has gotten me tied in knots because I can't get it out of my head. it echoes.
somewhere I wonder if my dad ever called my mom that after a particularly long night of drinking. it would explain why I hate it. knowing my parents, my mom called my dad that.
my powers of evasion are strong as ever. i'm talking about issues without talking about what really has me bothered. I don't know, thought.
I can't identify what has me staying up until 3 in the morning every day. it could be anything.
lets see. the state won't help us with rent, so we haven't been able to pay this month. I haven't paid my cell bill, nor my electric bill. on the 17th, I owe timebuyers $315 for my car payment...
or it could be that I don't have the income to care for two kids and chris right now.
no ones going to help because no one actually cares. people say thing like, "aww, that sucks" but that doesn't drop $600 in the mail.
ugh. i'm blogging to feel better, and yet...
fuck it, I need sleep.
and episode 121 of Shippuden to be subbed and released. damn Karin's annoying.
ja... bedtime...