so it's been awhile...
i've taken a moment out of my subreality to come back to my actual reality for a moment. what a weird warp i walk through to get back here. i step back and look at the reflection in the mirror i had just stepped out of and i see a reflection of a girl that i fought so hard to never become. i see someone that thinks so little of herself that she self sabatoges everything she can. i see this reflection and it makes me cringe.
i was never one for having much self esteem, but i always managed to get along by what little means i had. anymore i've given up any self worth. i know it's the company i keep. but there is also a part of me that enjoys the company i keep. i know which parts i should walk away from and which parts i should embrace, although for some reason i can't differ those anymore. the side of me i worked so hard towards is stuck on one side of the mirror and i'm afraid to break it. because i know i can work right back to where i was. i know i can do it easily and i know i have the ambition, but once you break the mirror, you can't just glue it back together. does that even make any sense? i honestly don't think i make much sense anymore.
i miss coaching i really do. i was getting out of it at the end because the results were scary and i felt i couldn't do enough to make anyone happy. it's weird. donovans friendship and our coaching relationship was something that pulled me out of a muck. i sometimes feel like i was pulled out of quicksand and just like quicksand, the second you're not careful you can be sucked right back in. i had such confidence and resilience when i first started. i want that back. i don't know how to get it. i can't do it alone. my coaching relationship is shot. but maybe someday i should really tell him exactly how much i appreciate what he did for me. i don't think he knows it.
well i ended up filling out an application for st. patricks in missoula and kind of lost my train of thought.
all in all, i'd like to find myself and who i'm going to be. i'd like to get back on track and live my life. i'd like to find what makes me happy. i'd like to find what makes me me.
i love to walk away and pull myself out of the rain
but i can't leave without you
i love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt
but i can't live without you
i was never one for having much self esteem, but i always managed to get along by what little means i had. anymore i've given up any self worth. i know it's the company i keep. but there is also a part of me that enjoys the company i keep. i know which parts i should walk away from and which parts i should embrace, although for some reason i can't differ those anymore. the side of me i worked so hard towards is stuck on one side of the mirror and i'm afraid to break it. because i know i can work right back to where i was. i know i can do it easily and i know i have the ambition, but once you break the mirror, you can't just glue it back together. does that even make any sense? i honestly don't think i make much sense anymore.
i miss coaching i really do. i was getting out of it at the end because the results were scary and i felt i couldn't do enough to make anyone happy. it's weird. donovans friendship and our coaching relationship was something that pulled me out of a muck. i sometimes feel like i was pulled out of quicksand and just like quicksand, the second you're not careful you can be sucked right back in. i had such confidence and resilience when i first started. i want that back. i don't know how to get it. i can't do it alone. my coaching relationship is shot. but maybe someday i should really tell him exactly how much i appreciate what he did for me. i don't think he knows it.
well i ended up filling out an application for st. patricks in missoula and kind of lost my train of thought.
all in all, i'd like to find myself and who i'm going to be. i'd like to get back on track and live my life. i'd like to find what makes me happy. i'd like to find what makes me me.
i love to walk away and pull myself out of the rain
but i can't leave without you
i love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt
but i can't live without you