Ever afters
It's the way I feel after an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
Of after I go another day without smoking a cigarette.
Or after I find myself on top of a mountain with nothing to run from.
Or after I read the last line of a great book.
Or after I have the first sip of a cup of coffee.
Or after I push my gas pedal to the floor.
Or after I paint my toe nails messy and cheap.
Or after I let my hair drip onto your face.
Or after I make a sale.
Or after I juggle a soccer ball or catch a football.
Or after I hear a great song for the first time.
Or after I stick a q-tip in my ear.
Or after I come up for air while I splash in the pool.
Or after I rub down Tanji.
Or after I stub my toe.
Or after I am given a real sweet kiss.
Or after I unlock the door and step into my house.
Or after I find my toes in green green grass.
Or after I see a picture of us smiling.
Or after I feel the sun on my cheeks.
Or after I bruise my shins.
Or after I hear your voice.
Or after I see my Dads face.
Or after I win a struggle and spoon my mother.
Or after I get into a pointless argument with Jesse.
Or after I get off the phone with Kevin.
Or after I push my friends to do something they wouldn't ordinarily try.
Or after I take my feet out of shoes.
Or after I bite your tongue in my mouth.
Or after I rub lotion on my legs.
Or after I throw my head back in a throaty laugh.
It's just life. Those tiny little everyday things. I have been running for so long, I've just been a runner. Push it down. Quiet it down. Choke it up. After so long of this game, this hide and seek of the soul, I just keep bumping into myself; parts of me that I thought I had lost, and I don't think I can describe how great it feels. How fucking amazing this feels. I can't stop the tears, but they're so happy they feel like freedom. Like fireworks and hot dogs with ketchup. I don't want to run from me anymore. I am not afraid of being hurt anymore. I just want to hold on to this feeling because it is the only way I'll keep breathing. I am tired of trying to control, trying to monitor, waiting for disaster. I just want to slow down and catch my breathe. I want to wipe the sweat from my forehead and stretch my legs. I want to live in this moment, I want to cherish every second and I can't seem to grasp why it took so long to get here. I can't remember when the race began but I can't describe how great it feels to be finished; to run through the red tape; to stop my muscles from working; to drink water; to slow my heart-- it is terrifying. It is so scary. My body is ready to spring back into flight at any moment. To start running again..., but for now I have stopped. I feel good. Just understand that if you can't understand anything. I'm not going to run into your problems. I'm not going to run from mine. I'm not going to run into frivolous distractions. I am not going to run from real, meaningful connections either.When I don't know how if works, when I just cannot piece it together in my mind, I turn and run. I circle the mess a few times around. I probably resemble sperm trying to break into the holy grail of an egg. I inch my way, and rejection is the big fear. Rejection is the almighty bitch slap. Go ahead and bruise me. I'll be better for it. I'ma fuck up quite a bit. Ya'll should've known this when I was young. In an out of the hospital every few months. I was always bumping into things, falling, tripping, crying, sniffling, jumping, scraping, tearing, bursting, bubbling, laughing, soaring. Matching my skin against something hard, something rigid, something lethal. Why did anyone think that would change? It was the experience. And there are things worse then fear or rejection or defeat. There is never knowing, never trying, never believing. Concussions, the band aids, the rush, the screams, the thrill. I was that little girl, why would that ever change. I ran in with blind abandon. That is me.
And I am beautiful.
Ever after.
Happily.
Of after I go another day without smoking a cigarette.
Or after I find myself on top of a mountain with nothing to run from.
Or after I read the last line of a great book.
Or after I have the first sip of a cup of coffee.
Or after I push my gas pedal to the floor.
Or after I paint my toe nails messy and cheap.
Or after I let my hair drip onto your face.
Or after I make a sale.
Or after I juggle a soccer ball or catch a football.
Or after I hear a great song for the first time.
Or after I stick a q-tip in my ear.
Or after I come up for air while I splash in the pool.
Or after I rub down Tanji.
Or after I stub my toe.
Or after I am given a real sweet kiss.
Or after I unlock the door and step into my house.
Or after I find my toes in green green grass.
Or after I see a picture of us smiling.
Or after I feel the sun on my cheeks.
Or after I bruise my shins.
Or after I hear your voice.
Or after I see my Dads face.
Or after I win a struggle and spoon my mother.
Or after I get into a pointless argument with Jesse.
Or after I get off the phone with Kevin.
Or after I push my friends to do something they wouldn't ordinarily try.
Or after I take my feet out of shoes.
Or after I bite your tongue in my mouth.
Or after I rub lotion on my legs.
Or after I throw my head back in a throaty laugh.
It's just life. Those tiny little everyday things. I have been running for so long, I've just been a runner. Push it down. Quiet it down. Choke it up. After so long of this game, this hide and seek of the soul, I just keep bumping into myself; parts of me that I thought I had lost, and I don't think I can describe how great it feels. How fucking amazing this feels. I can't stop the tears, but they're so happy they feel like freedom. Like fireworks and hot dogs with ketchup. I don't want to run from me anymore. I am not afraid of being hurt anymore. I just want to hold on to this feeling because it is the only way I'll keep breathing. I am tired of trying to control, trying to monitor, waiting for disaster. I just want to slow down and catch my breathe. I want to wipe the sweat from my forehead and stretch my legs. I want to live in this moment, I want to cherish every second and I can't seem to grasp why it took so long to get here. I can't remember when the race began but I can't describe how great it feels to be finished; to run through the red tape; to stop my muscles from working; to drink water; to slow my heart-- it is terrifying. It is so scary. My body is ready to spring back into flight at any moment. To start running again..., but for now I have stopped. I feel good. Just understand that if you can't understand anything. I'm not going to run into your problems. I'm not going to run from mine. I'm not going to run into frivolous distractions. I am not going to run from real, meaningful connections either.When I don't know how if works, when I just cannot piece it together in my mind, I turn and run. I circle the mess a few times around. I probably resemble sperm trying to break into the holy grail of an egg. I inch my way, and rejection is the big fear. Rejection is the almighty bitch slap. Go ahead and bruise me. I'll be better for it. I'ma fuck up quite a bit. Ya'll should've known this when I was young. In an out of the hospital every few months. I was always bumping into things, falling, tripping, crying, sniffling, jumping, scraping, tearing, bursting, bubbling, laughing, soaring. Matching my skin against something hard, something rigid, something lethal. Why did anyone think that would change? It was the experience. And there are things worse then fear or rejection or defeat. There is never knowing, never trying, never believing. Concussions, the band aids, the rush, the screams, the thrill. I was that little girl, why would that ever change. I ran in with blind abandon. That is me.
And I am beautiful.
Ever after.
Happily.