Re: ED or health?
...seems to be the question I am faced with at every twist and turn of the day. I want to binge...but I shouldn't... I don't want to eat...but I should... I don't have any desire to binge and I try to eat but it freaks me out and I want to puke...but I shouldn't... ARGH! When I'm honest, ED certainly didn't get me anything...lying, cavaties, bankruptcy, delayed my education, unfulfilled hopes and dreams... I know it is a path of destruction...don't I? What more could it possibly take? Why does the desire to recover change from moment to moment? I don't want to obsess like I use to....my gosh that was hell... I mean at least now I can get a moment of peace and quiet. I can breath and the size of my thighs isn't on my mind every second. That freedom feels good... But this whole...not being super tiny is hard... And eating is still so hard. Every meal I still contemplate whether I want to eat or not. Sometimes I eat and it's okay...I don't feel overly guilty and I can deal with just slight twinges of guilt and regret... Other days eating anything is sheer agony and I'm sure I can feel every single bit of food turning into fat and then dripping off of my body. Not eating still feels good...and eating still feels bad... I'm never like 'oh yaay, I ate...' It's still this sick feeling of weakness and defeat... The wires in my brain are clearly crossed when it comes to eating. Healthy means energy and strong...I want to have energy without eating... I want strength to do what I want, but I want to be skinny... HOW UTTERLY RIDICULOUS?! It doesn't even matter....UGH!!! I want to be recoverED NOW. I want to just do what I need to do without having to think about it. Without having to fight the games in my head so hard. I want my recovery to be perfect. Of course perfect in my mind is that it's always forward and that it FEELS good to do the right thing instead of so very wrong... Perfect recovery means that it's not agonizing every step of the way...and although I am not as focused and it's not as painful...LOTS more steps forward than not are agonizing. I remind myself how far I have come... I don't obsess every second. I can eat without crying lots of days. I don't go totally crazy over my size to the point I can't function. I can exercise in a way that is not obsessive... Today I did it JUST FOR MY BODY... For my heart and for my lungs... I listened to my body; it's HOT and I ran into the wind for approximately 2 of the 2.7 miles I ran.... I walked a few times and didn't beat myself up as badly as I would have at one time... I feel good about getting out and moving and didn't do it to burn fat... And yet, inspite of that, somehow ED makes me feel like I need to go to the gym to run or do the elliptical for 35 minutes without stopping. SIGH... Which would be okay... And, I got offered a job with Clinique, which would be fun minus the sales goals pressures... I'd be gone every night Monday-Friday until 9:45 pm between class and work. I'd work one day, all day per week-end... I'd have from 1-5:15ish to work out, do homework, go to the store...b/c I work 8-1 in the schools... I need the money...but then on top of classes...can I do that too? I feel like I SHOULD be able to do it...and like I'm just weak... I bother myself... Meh...I guess...I'll go gag down something to eat for dinner...