Rant...
This is not going to be my most uplifting journal entry...but I am not feeling particularly uplifting, insightful, positive or brilliant at the moment... I am in fact DOWN and OUT... The feelings of discontentment may in fact be heightened to to the fact that I have PMS but...the fact is...THIS IS WHERE I AM TODAY. I'm flat. I'm hopeless. I'm sad. I'm disappointed, depressed, deflated, demoralized and defeated. I'm disheartened and disillusioned. I'm disgusted and depleted. I'm tired. I'm weary. I turn 33 in less than 2 weeks...and when I look at myself and my life...I AM nothing and I HAVE nothing. I've done nothing of significance with my life. I've impacted nobody...made a difference nowhere... I've made messes and caused destruction but I've built nothing and done nothing of significance. I do not own a home. I do not have a large bank account. I do not have a 'good' job. I am not married and I am not dating. I have no children. I am no extraordinary beauty. I am not fit and trim. Healthy or strong. I AM NOT WHO I WANT TO BE. I'm such a disappointment to myself. So that there is no confusion...it is not a job or money or a marraige or children or 'good' jobs or relationships that make an individual successful. I believe it's possible to have all of those things and not be successful or happy. What makes a 'successful' person is the question which begs to be asked given the previous statement. A question undoubtably posed through out the ages... The illusion of success chased by countless individuals who manage to spend their lives reaching for it only to have it slip through their fingers like a vapor...leaving them empty and longing. A successful person based on my LIMITED understanding of life... Is a person who loves God with all that they are.... Having faith and not being swayed and shaken by the storms of life... Knowing that He is all there is...that all things work together for good. Not loosing sight of the prize not matter what happens. Success is being mindful of every moment...embracing it just as it is... Not missing whatever each moment offers. Success is living life fully...laughing, crying, dancing, singing, vegging...just living... It is finding the joy regardless of what life brings... It is neither denying the pain nor wallowing in it... The fact is...sometimes life is wonderful. Othertimes, it is hard...filled with trial after trail after agonizing trial. Which seems to be where I am...or have been for the last 32.99 years. What am I to learn? Why must it always be so hard? Will things ever get better? I just want one job. It's so hard to just find something in my field...when you do not know someone in a human services agency. I am left wondering, WHAT is wrong with me?! Am I tainted? Unworthy? Unskilled? Why is it so hard?! Why is it so impossible to secure a job doing CASE WORK?! WHAT IS WRONG with ME?! Here's what is the worst part... I feel disconnected and far away from God. I don't feel Him close. I do not feel like I matter. I do not feel like He sees me. I do not feel like He cares. I do not feel like He's there... I feel empty, insignificant, alone, weary and like things are NEVER going to get better. I feel like the rest of my life will be one thing after another and like I do not deserve for things to go well...and I'm tired of it... SIGH.
In other news, my PART TIME job with the school wants me at their beck and call. I'm not so pleased...I use MY car to transport ALL the time, get reimbursed for milage every 3 months, am expected to buy supplies to be reimbursed and the best part is...when I use my car to transport people FOR WORK, if I get in an accident, my insurance is primary insurance, the school districts kicks in AFTER mine AND I pay the deductable. That's RATHER crappy. Beyond that, they want me to just be available in an instant--they called me at 5:55pm one night (knowing I had another part time job) asking me to start the NEXT day at 8am. WTH? Then they call me when I'm not working all the time, so I didn't answer and sent the following email which may seem rude, but they are not going to run my life.
Hi Leu,
I received your voicemail. Unfortunately, I am tied up for the rest of the afternoon until I go to my night class at 6pm. I will be working all day tomorrow, but I will try to call you in between activities. To be fair, the best way to get in touch with me when I am not at Lee School is likely going to be via email. I am online frequently which allows me to be able to check and respond to email far more than I am able to receive and respond to phone calls. Utilizing email allows you to get information to me, and it provides me the opportunity to receive and respond to you as promptly as I possibly can.
Thank you,
Rebecca
Beyond that...they are disorganized...can't tell me my benefits, my pay days...they don't do 'orientation'. WTH?!?!
And now...I'm going to binge AGAIN and puke...because who really gives a shit?