Saying goodbye
Hyung said goodbye today. Like she always said "everyone leaves". It was my fault for not being around when she first needed me and now that she wants to leave what right do I have to stop her? None... I failed her so many times in the past I have no right to stop her. I failed you, Mao. I'm sorry... The family fell apart... No head budding or ruffling of the hair can prevent it. Tomorrow is your death day. Did I ever tell you how much I hate April? It's like April is a bad month because I was born. Sometimes I wonder if the world would be a better place if my mom went and had a miscarriage when she was nineteen. Maybe you wouldn't have died. Maybe Hyung wouldn't have had to leave. Maybe all the people I hurt wouldn't have been hurt.
I'm scared really... These past two years, no matter how hard everything was I pulled through faking a smile pretending to be okay. I remembered everyone's birthday, made surprises for those that I was able to. I guess because I just wanted to be remembered. I thought I would have been remembered this year. I got into honors, my work is going to be published... But yet everyone said no. No one came.
Am I really not important anymore? Who am I to kid? Are you reading all this in heaven, Mao? You said heaven had wifi so you could still see how everyone is. Why aren't you helping Hyung? Guiding her?
Every night I look up and look for the brightest star I can see. Hoping it's you. Hoping there's hope. Is there really no hope? I don't want to be depressed Joanne but I'm tired of being "I'm fine" Joanne. It feels like I'm not complete anymore.
Because every time someone leaves a part of me is being taken away with them. I know they're all having their lives in London in Japan fighting for their future... But is a simple hello that hard? I just want to know you're okay... That you're healthy. That you're happy.
I'm tired of being strong. Tired of smiling. Tired of everything. I told myself I wouldn't let myself cry and yet here I am crying so many times today. Isn't it funny? I want to run to someone and just hide my face on their shoulder and let out everything. I want to go back to being the Joanne that everyone protected. You guys spoiled me with protection... It's hard to fight my ears without you guys. Without someone to depend on.
I know I don't deserve more than the amount of chances you guys gave me. But please don't go. Please stay here. I beg you. Please.