Of Homewreckers and Flirts
A couple of days ago, someone said I was trying to steal their crush. Truthfully, I've been getting a lot of that lately, am I really doing something to these people? It's starting to feel like I am. Yesterday was our nine months, I read the letter he send me for our first day meeting. I'm kind of ashamed of myself, I don't remember the first day we met, I just remember it was a couple of days before I went to China, so in the middle of July somewhere. Yet, he remembered the exact date and even prepared something for me. I cried reading the letter, I miss him. I miss him so much.
I don't wake up to good morning messages anymore. There aren't spams for me anywhere anymore. There aren't cute long messages in my inbox about how he felt that day waiting for me to come online, or how he felt that evening without me. There aren't any skype talks where we played with each other. My heart aches. It hurts. I've been watching a movie, in the drama, a guy's wife died, throughout the drama, he falls in love with another woman, and he sits in front of his wife's grave and cries. He tells her he's sorry he fell in love again, he's sorry he opened up again, he felt like he was cheating on her, he felt like shit about it, although everyone around him told him he should find someone to love, he felt like he was lying to his wife.
I feel like that now, I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry I'm not getting better. I'm sorry I'm throwing up again, I'm sorry I'm crying again. Thing's been hard lately, it feels like, no matter how many perfect scores I get, I'm still not getting the same happiness as I got when I used to just pass. Remember what you would do when I just passed my tests and quizzes? You would hug me so tight and give me kisses all over and tickle me and smoosh me telling me how proud you were. And no matter how bad I failed, you would always hug me and tell me I tried my best and that's all it mattered. Even when I barely passed, it felt as if I accomplished so much.
It's getting hard again, I haven't wrote for awhile, because my roommates been here, you said there'll be wifi in heave right? Are you reading this right now? Are you watching over me? I missed you so much, do you know that? I hope you do, I really do. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm letting others come in, I'm sorry I'm getting affected by what's going on, I promised to stay strong, but it seems like I'm failing, I'm being weak again aren't I? But it hurts baby, it hurts so much, when I hurt people, when they give me the cold shoulder.
I just wanna be everyone's happy charm, give off positive energy. I wanna make others smile, I wanna give off love that everyone deserves. But why does it feel like I'm doing everything wrong? Am I being dumb and doing everything differently than it's supposed to be done? It's hard trying to take over what you've done, I promised to do a lot of things, keep a lot of favors, but what if I can't keep all of them? Will you be mad at me?
Joanne still isn't ready take care of herself, I've been letting others do that for awhile. I was doing good at being old again, but it seems like someone stomped me down. Maybe it's that text from Ray, we're not talking much anymore. Tomorrow is his birthday, he doesn't even wanna celebrate it. I don't know, maybe he's going to go do something with Yuchi and her roommate but the two of us have been distant. I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to him, then again when have I been good enough for anyone?
I don't I feel like I'm good enough to even be friends anymore with anyone. Bad thoughts are coming to me again. Everyone wants to help fix me, but I felt like I was fixed, I feel like I don't even know the real me. I feel like I'm slipping away. I'm scared baby, I'm so scared. Am I not okay? I thought I was getting better, why are people telling me I need to be fixed. Baby I'm scared I'm gonna forget you, your voice is slipping, your face is disappearing... I miss you, I'm scared, please tell me I'm doing the right things.
Please tell me I'm not lying to myself when I tell myself I'm not doing anything wrong, please tell me I'm doing good, as long as I try my best it's all good. Please? I need you, I need a lot of people. I miss being reassured that I'm doing good, I missed being told that I'm not lying to myself... Why do I need to be fixed? Why am I doing things wrong? Please help me baby.
I don't wake up to good morning messages anymore. There aren't spams for me anywhere anymore. There aren't cute long messages in my inbox about how he felt that day waiting for me to come online, or how he felt that evening without me. There aren't any skype talks where we played with each other. My heart aches. It hurts. I've been watching a movie, in the drama, a guy's wife died, throughout the drama, he falls in love with another woman, and he sits in front of his wife's grave and cries. He tells her he's sorry he fell in love again, he's sorry he opened up again, he felt like he was cheating on her, he felt like shit about it, although everyone around him told him he should find someone to love, he felt like he was lying to his wife.
I feel like that now, I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry I'm not getting better. I'm sorry I'm throwing up again, I'm sorry I'm crying again. Thing's been hard lately, it feels like, no matter how many perfect scores I get, I'm still not getting the same happiness as I got when I used to just pass. Remember what you would do when I just passed my tests and quizzes? You would hug me so tight and give me kisses all over and tickle me and smoosh me telling me how proud you were. And no matter how bad I failed, you would always hug me and tell me I tried my best and that's all it mattered. Even when I barely passed, it felt as if I accomplished so much.
It's getting hard again, I haven't wrote for awhile, because my roommates been here, you said there'll be wifi in heave right? Are you reading this right now? Are you watching over me? I missed you so much, do you know that? I hope you do, I really do. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm letting others come in, I'm sorry I'm getting affected by what's going on, I promised to stay strong, but it seems like I'm failing, I'm being weak again aren't I? But it hurts baby, it hurts so much, when I hurt people, when they give me the cold shoulder.
I just wanna be everyone's happy charm, give off positive energy. I wanna make others smile, I wanna give off love that everyone deserves. But why does it feel like I'm doing everything wrong? Am I being dumb and doing everything differently than it's supposed to be done? It's hard trying to take over what you've done, I promised to do a lot of things, keep a lot of favors, but what if I can't keep all of them? Will you be mad at me?
Joanne still isn't ready take care of herself, I've been letting others do that for awhile. I was doing good at being old again, but it seems like someone stomped me down. Maybe it's that text from Ray, we're not talking much anymore. Tomorrow is his birthday, he doesn't even wanna celebrate it. I don't know, maybe he's going to go do something with Yuchi and her roommate but the two of us have been distant. I feel like I'm not a good enough friend to him, then again when have I been good enough for anyone?
I don't I feel like I'm good enough to even be friends anymore with anyone. Bad thoughts are coming to me again. Everyone wants to help fix me, but I felt like I was fixed, I feel like I don't even know the real me. I feel like I'm slipping away. I'm scared baby, I'm so scared. Am I not okay? I thought I was getting better, why are people telling me I need to be fixed. Baby I'm scared I'm gonna forget you, your voice is slipping, your face is disappearing... I miss you, I'm scared, please tell me I'm doing the right things.
Please tell me I'm not lying to myself when I tell myself I'm not doing anything wrong, please tell me I'm doing good, as long as I try my best it's all good. Please? I need you, I need a lot of people. I miss being reassured that I'm doing good, I missed being told that I'm not lying to myself... Why do I need to be fixed? Why am I doing things wrong? Please help me baby.