It's Not That Bad
When I was younger, I thought I had a horrible life, and it's not until now that I realized my life isn't that bad. After I met more people and opened up myself, I found that I was a lot more fortunate than a lot of other people. In a way, I'm a bit of a softie, when people tell me about themselves, I like to listen and try to put myself in their shoes, sometimes I cry because of the things they tell me, sometimes I smile. Many people though usually only consult me when things are bad, hence I always feel this pull in my heart.
I get attached to people easily, I'm not sure why, but once someone starts talking to me a lot, I get attached, and it sometimes get to the point where the person gets annoyed of me and yell at me. As a child, I was a burden to my family because of my attachment. They hated it when I cried because I didn't get the attention I needed, so I started to hide the affection I show to people. I stopped asking for hugs, stopped asking to be carried, stopped asking to be kissed, before I knew it, I stopped asking for anything at all. I walked along side of my family, never holding hands, never being held, just secretly being jealous of my sister and brother as they got attention.
Now that I'm older, I still hide my affection for people. People call these crushes, I call it my way of loving people, because I can't have a crush on every single person. When I start opening my affection towards you, act cute to you, aegyo to you, it's my way of showing affection. I pout, I get annoying, it's how I am. And once someone tells me it's annoying, it's disgusting, that puts an end to it and I just stop. Pulling affection from me is hard, I don't even try to touch my kids. I watch them yes, I like them yes, I have affection for them yes, but I don't hug them or try to care for them in a way I'm not supposed to.
When people get too close to me, I pull back. I get scared, for reasons I can't explain in public, and for reasons I'm not comfortable in talking about with some people. It's probably because of my childhood. But in a way, I guess I'm afraid to get too close to some people. Afraid they'll just push me away and think I'm annoying and burdenful like my family did. In school, a kid named Kevin, yes the same as my brother's name, is attached to me.
Kevin, is a young boy of around 5-6 years of age, and has a lot of family issues. Compared to Kevin, my family issues are nothing, it's incomparable. He's a good boy, but sometimes, for attention, he misbehaves. Because of his family issues, once someone cares about him more, once someone listens to him, he gets attached. Kevin reminds me of myself and my brother in ways. My brother was still young when my family broke apart, he grew up with a broken family and I know he hated it, that's why he has anger problems nowadays and doesn't talk to any of us. I want to help Kevin, maybe because I failed in helping my own brother. I guess as a compensation.
Yes, I'm still scared of Kevin's hugs at times and when he lies on my lap or tackle me, but I guess kids need skinship right? Just like any kid, Kevin just wants to know that someone still cares about him, that someone out there will listen to him and pat his head when he's done a good job. Something I always wanted and even though I'm 20 now still haven't received. In the end, every kid, like every adult, like every person, just wants to be recognized for what he/she has done and be thanked and feel needed. Right?
I get attached to people easily, I'm not sure why, but once someone starts talking to me a lot, I get attached, and it sometimes get to the point where the person gets annoyed of me and yell at me. As a child, I was a burden to my family because of my attachment. They hated it when I cried because I didn't get the attention I needed, so I started to hide the affection I show to people. I stopped asking for hugs, stopped asking to be carried, stopped asking to be kissed, before I knew it, I stopped asking for anything at all. I walked along side of my family, never holding hands, never being held, just secretly being jealous of my sister and brother as they got attention.
Now that I'm older, I still hide my affection for people. People call these crushes, I call it my way of loving people, because I can't have a crush on every single person. When I start opening my affection towards you, act cute to you, aegyo to you, it's my way of showing affection. I pout, I get annoying, it's how I am. And once someone tells me it's annoying, it's disgusting, that puts an end to it and I just stop. Pulling affection from me is hard, I don't even try to touch my kids. I watch them yes, I like them yes, I have affection for them yes, but I don't hug them or try to care for them in a way I'm not supposed to.
When people get too close to me, I pull back. I get scared, for reasons I can't explain in public, and for reasons I'm not comfortable in talking about with some people. It's probably because of my childhood. But in a way, I guess I'm afraid to get too close to some people. Afraid they'll just push me away and think I'm annoying and burdenful like my family did. In school, a kid named Kevin, yes the same as my brother's name, is attached to me.
Kevin, is a young boy of around 5-6 years of age, and has a lot of family issues. Compared to Kevin, my family issues are nothing, it's incomparable. He's a good boy, but sometimes, for attention, he misbehaves. Because of his family issues, once someone cares about him more, once someone listens to him, he gets attached. Kevin reminds me of myself and my brother in ways. My brother was still young when my family broke apart, he grew up with a broken family and I know he hated it, that's why he has anger problems nowadays and doesn't talk to any of us. I want to help Kevin, maybe because I failed in helping my own brother. I guess as a compensation.
Yes, I'm still scared of Kevin's hugs at times and when he lies on my lap or tackle me, but I guess kids need skinship right? Just like any kid, Kevin just wants to know that someone still cares about him, that someone out there will listen to him and pat his head when he's done a good job. Something I always wanted and even though I'm 20 now still haven't received. In the end, every kid, like every adult, like every person, just wants to be recognized for what he/she has done and be thanked and feel needed. Right?