You're Gonna Look Back On Today Many Years From Now And Know What You Were Upset Over Was For Nothin
So today my uncle drove me home from his house cause it was late at night. After a long day of babysitting and doing his excel spreadsheets, I was tired and annoyed and just wanted to be home. I didn't get paid, and it's not that I asked for pay, but I just wanted to be home, do what I needed to do at home and go to bed to kitty. On the way home he asked me questions about school, in which I answered with single words. He then gets into my recent moodiness and grumpiness. I stopped answering him and remained quiet. So he started guessing. He said things like "you're going to look back on today many years from now and find out that what you were upset over was nothing." I held my tongue, clenching my jaw so I wouldn't say anything.
Throughout his guessing, all he was talking about was how I was flunking, getting bad grades, not doing well in school being the reason that's messing up my life. Little did he know that isn't the reason. And when I said it wasn't, he insisted that it SHOULD be the reason, that grades should be all I care about, that THAT F, that flunking out of pre-med should be important, I should be ashamed about it. I bit my lips taking deep breaths to hold in my tears and hold back my tongue. I wanted to scream, I wanted to get out. During the whole car ride, while he was lecturing me, I looked out the window, staring, talking to myself, to the sky in my head.
"Someone please help me. Someone please scream to him that he doesn't know half the things I'm going through. That's not the reason. If losing someone you love is insignificant, then what IS significant? Is money really everything? What if I don't have dreams and goals anymore? Mao, do you hear the things going through my head? How can I be that person that left when I don't have the ability to be her anymore? When I get good grades, no one gave a damn, but when I get bad grades, the whole world has to lecture on me about it, no one has anything good to say about it." So many things were running through my head, so many things I wanted to shout out.
I ended up texting my sister for help. When I got home, I bolted out of the car, into my house, kicking off my shoes and ran for my room. Ignoring my grandma's and mom's complaint about me having a tantrum and attitude once I got home, ignoring everyone, I pulled the blanket over my head with kitty and sobbed. I don't even know why I'm crying. Is it because I'm weak? Is it because the stress was too much to handle? My uncle said, "don't go around telling people we stress you out when we're only giving you opinion alright." How are you not stressing me out when you keep bringing up the topic that I flunked out of pre-med? How is not stressing me out that you keep reminding me I won't be successful in whatever route I choose to take?
I don't see losing someone as something insignificant, especially not someone as important as he was to me. For the rest of my life, I will remember him, remember the things we've went through. I chose not to talk about it, because they'll never understand. They'll think this is just like my K-pop obsession, hopeless. That's why even though they told me I should talk to them more, I don't want to, I choose not to. I don't want to share my story with them, because they'll never hear me out. My voice is muted regardless of how hard I try.
Because it's always been like that with my family. Nothing I say, nothing I do makes a difference to them. Why pretend to care when you don't? Why make me talk to you when you won't bother trying to understand? I'd rather bother aniki, bother dongsaengies, bother hyung, bother onii-chan, bother oppa, rather than open myself up to you guys. It doesn't have to be by blood to be family, as long as they're opened for you, ready to take you in, they're your family. I DID do better this semester, my GPA compared to last semester went up by over 2.0. It's not that I gave up on myself, I just need time.
Like hyung says, time heals things, I just have to give some time to time so it starts doing it's job, well at least I think hyung said that. I just wanted to say, you don't know a person's story just by looking at the person, you can't judge a book by it's cover. You don't know half the things I have to deal with each day to struggle to stay alive. How things stress me out to the point I stopped keeping down food for over two months. How things got so overwhelmed I silently screamed at night into my pillow when sleep won't take over. How things get so out of hand I pull and yank at my hair until my scalp is all raw.
But there are peaceful nights. When talking with my non blood related family calms me. When I can hug kitty and close my eyes and fall into slumber, even if just an hour or two, I can sleep nicely. Whether it's cuddling with me, them coming online just to give me a hug in the middle of the night when they're sleeping after finding out something bad happened, watching me sleep on skype like he used to, it soothes me. And I'm thankful for it. They're, along with a couple of others, the reason I'm still fighting on, still trying to smile and live each day like I promise. The ones that read, the ones that work hard for their own dreams, for giving me strength, they're all the reason.
Throughout his guessing, all he was talking about was how I was flunking, getting bad grades, not doing well in school being the reason that's messing up my life. Little did he know that isn't the reason. And when I said it wasn't, he insisted that it SHOULD be the reason, that grades should be all I care about, that THAT F, that flunking out of pre-med should be important, I should be ashamed about it. I bit my lips taking deep breaths to hold in my tears and hold back my tongue. I wanted to scream, I wanted to get out. During the whole car ride, while he was lecturing me, I looked out the window, staring, talking to myself, to the sky in my head.
"Someone please help me. Someone please scream to him that he doesn't know half the things I'm going through. That's not the reason. If losing someone you love is insignificant, then what IS significant? Is money really everything? What if I don't have dreams and goals anymore? Mao, do you hear the things going through my head? How can I be that person that left when I don't have the ability to be her anymore? When I get good grades, no one gave a damn, but when I get bad grades, the whole world has to lecture on me about it, no one has anything good to say about it." So many things were running through my head, so many things I wanted to shout out.
I ended up texting my sister for help. When I got home, I bolted out of the car, into my house, kicking off my shoes and ran for my room. Ignoring my grandma's and mom's complaint about me having a tantrum and attitude once I got home, ignoring everyone, I pulled the blanket over my head with kitty and sobbed. I don't even know why I'm crying. Is it because I'm weak? Is it because the stress was too much to handle? My uncle said, "don't go around telling people we stress you out when we're only giving you opinion alright." How are you not stressing me out when you keep bringing up the topic that I flunked out of pre-med? How is not stressing me out that you keep reminding me I won't be successful in whatever route I choose to take?
I don't see losing someone as something insignificant, especially not someone as important as he was to me. For the rest of my life, I will remember him, remember the things we've went through. I chose not to talk about it, because they'll never understand. They'll think this is just like my K-pop obsession, hopeless. That's why even though they told me I should talk to them more, I don't want to, I choose not to. I don't want to share my story with them, because they'll never hear me out. My voice is muted regardless of how hard I try.
Because it's always been like that with my family. Nothing I say, nothing I do makes a difference to them. Why pretend to care when you don't? Why make me talk to you when you won't bother trying to understand? I'd rather bother aniki, bother dongsaengies, bother hyung, bother onii-chan, bother oppa, rather than open myself up to you guys. It doesn't have to be by blood to be family, as long as they're opened for you, ready to take you in, they're your family. I DID do better this semester, my GPA compared to last semester went up by over 2.0. It's not that I gave up on myself, I just need time.
Like hyung says, time heals things, I just have to give some time to time so it starts doing it's job, well at least I think hyung said that. I just wanted to say, you don't know a person's story just by looking at the person, you can't judge a book by it's cover. You don't know half the things I have to deal with each day to struggle to stay alive. How things stress me out to the point I stopped keeping down food for over two months. How things got so overwhelmed I silently screamed at night into my pillow when sleep won't take over. How things get so out of hand I pull and yank at my hair until my scalp is all raw.
But there are peaceful nights. When talking with my non blood related family calms me. When I can hug kitty and close my eyes and fall into slumber, even if just an hour or two, I can sleep nicely. Whether it's cuddling with me, them coming online just to give me a hug in the middle of the night when they're sleeping after finding out something bad happened, watching me sleep on skype like he used to, it soothes me. And I'm thankful for it. They're, along with a couple of others, the reason I'm still fighting on, still trying to smile and live each day like I promise. The ones that read, the ones that work hard for their own dreams, for giving me strength, they're all the reason.