(no subject)
I'm worried about my health. The thing is I am not even close to being underweight at 130, but I will admit this looks quite thin on me, although my legs are still someone fatty. All the restricting and purging, my teeth everything. I am scared I'll have a seisuze. I'm scared I'll never sing again. My throat is sore, my voice is deeper and crackly, the skin inside my mouth is always "shedding" dead skin from the damage I've done. I thought today I am gonna eat a normal lunch.. I looked inside the window of this indian food lunch buffet that I have always wanted to try. It was only 6 bucks. I couldn't do it. I was afraid. THen I went home and tried to think of what normal thing I could have. I ended up with one of my usuals a 90 cal veggie burger. I tried to think what I could do to make it more normal like bread, but I was scared of that too. so nothing. I wanted to b/p when I got home but haven't so I don't know. All I know is that I feel like I can't stop this all if I wanted to. I don't care about restricting so much as the purging, but the better I do at restricting the more often I feel urges to b/p. I feel so afraid to gain weight. I think I have good reason to. THe world isn't too kind to fat people. I don't know if I should consider recovery, but I just want to recover and not gain any weight back. which is dumb. I'd love to eat normally and not gain but I feel like its impossible. should I shouldn't I. I don't know what to do I feel like I am falling further and further into this disorder. However at the same time I think you stupid ass you're going to "recover" and your still fat you don't even have anything to recover from, its just your excuse to stuff your face and get fat. Then you'll just cry about and have to do it all over again.
-me
-me