(no subject)
the way im looking at life right now is different than that of any before. im seeing things on different planes, according to my different goals; most of which have been steadily making progress towards a successful outcome. on the plane of academics, digression has definitely occurred in some subjects, due to a lack of availability of instruction, materials, TIME, etc. however, i did successfully learn chinese in 63 weeks, so ideally, i will be able to maintain my proficiency level in that while bringing my other areas of study back up to par. i want to focus more on literature analysis and writing, specifically. as far as music goes, i am still only satisfied. the fear of creating still stifles my production of lyrics and music... and i need to center in on that and eliminate that fear. its absolutely illogical to be afraid to fail, afraid enough to not attempt. the lack of attempt is the only thing that guarantees true failure. i need to keep telling myself that and, after i graduate this chinese course, set aside some time to write. in new york, perhaps, i will endeavor to write at least 2 songs. my "navy plane" is so easy to maintain, it rarely requires my tweaking and attention. health wise i've reached my goal, and now its all about maintaining. easy.
so that wraps up all the concrete, tangible goals i'm working on.. the others are much more intricate and complicated... as well as more painful and difficult to deal with. its arduous for me to come to terms with the reality that i wont have a real chance to be with the girl i sincerely, genuinely believed i would be with for, maybe not forever (because who really can expect that, especially when you've never even been with the person), but at least for some time. i convinced myself so deeply, so profoundly, that her and i were a kind of soul mates. the kind that meets by accident at a inconvenient time, but has a future together. and looking back, i think that the meeting wasn't by accident, that WAS the time. the future was what is now the past, if that makes sense. apparently, that was the extent the relationship was to reach. distance is a very ugly, malicious instigator of the withering of relationships. whether that relationship be a friendship, a current love, or that of a prospective one, they all have the potential to wither and die under the pressure brought by distance. it brings doubt, concern, and distrust, inevitably causing a break in communication and a downward spiral that instigates the downfall of the relationship. this will be a first for me, and the first is always the hardest. i think the initial step i have to take is accepting the fact that someone has fallen out of love with me. REALLY. not that they THINK they have, but it is fact. after that, i think i can more easily let go. but accepting that is harder than it sounds.. especially at night when i dont have distractions. dreams and going to sleep, that, i think, is the hardest.
i cant stop wondering why :/
so that wraps up all the concrete, tangible goals i'm working on.. the others are much more intricate and complicated... as well as more painful and difficult to deal with. its arduous for me to come to terms with the reality that i wont have a real chance to be with the girl i sincerely, genuinely believed i would be with for, maybe not forever (because who really can expect that, especially when you've never even been with the person), but at least for some time. i convinced myself so deeply, so profoundly, that her and i were a kind of soul mates. the kind that meets by accident at a inconvenient time, but has a future together. and looking back, i think that the meeting wasn't by accident, that WAS the time. the future was what is now the past, if that makes sense. apparently, that was the extent the relationship was to reach. distance is a very ugly, malicious instigator of the withering of relationships. whether that relationship be a friendship, a current love, or that of a prospective one, they all have the potential to wither and die under the pressure brought by distance. it brings doubt, concern, and distrust, inevitably causing a break in communication and a downward spiral that instigates the downfall of the relationship. this will be a first for me, and the first is always the hardest. i think the initial step i have to take is accepting the fact that someone has fallen out of love with me. REALLY. not that they THINK they have, but it is fact. after that, i think i can more easily let go. but accepting that is harder than it sounds.. especially at night when i dont have distractions. dreams and going to sleep, that, i think, is the hardest.
i cant stop wondering why :/