Slipping
Breaking down.
Becoming free.
Finally....scarily....free
It terrifies me.
These tears that come from no where. The memories that may never be complete. The reconing that will never truly happen. The feeling of being whole. Of not being dirty. Of being allowed to live my life as I see fit not ruled by shadows.
I wonder what it will be like to let all of me dance in the sun. When the walls are gone and we can rejoice in the day. And be in the moment...truly in the moment and not have shadows and whisperings in our head to spoil it.
What will it be like to be able to enjoy things without making sure there is some form of suffering? To not have to look for the pain before I find the joy?
How different would my life be if I didn't have those things to contend with? How much more would I have accoplished if it wasn't me 'overcoming' things?
Or have I done what I've done because of those things? Am I driven to do what I do because of those shadows? Will I lose my drive?
How much is me and how much is me running?
I think that's what I fear. I've been running and hiding and dodging and hurting for so long that I wonder what I am like without those things. I wonder if I will spring forward and just do it all because now I'm not being held back. Or will I stumble and fall because I no longer have to run?
I don't know. But I want to find out. I want to know what I am like with out all of those things in my head. I want to really meet me. I think I would be a good person to know. And I want to meet me.
So I am working on breaking free. Its scary. I may try and run and hide again cause its not going to be easy. But I've taken my first steps. And I have the desire. So hopefully soon all of you will get to meet me too.
I hope we are even better friends than we are now.
Becoming free.
Finally....scarily....free
It terrifies me.
These tears that come from no where. The memories that may never be complete. The reconing that will never truly happen. The feeling of being whole. Of not being dirty. Of being allowed to live my life as I see fit not ruled by shadows.
I wonder what it will be like to let all of me dance in the sun. When the walls are gone and we can rejoice in the day. And be in the moment...truly in the moment and not have shadows and whisperings in our head to spoil it.
What will it be like to be able to enjoy things without making sure there is some form of suffering? To not have to look for the pain before I find the joy?
How different would my life be if I didn't have those things to contend with? How much more would I have accoplished if it wasn't me 'overcoming' things?
Or have I done what I've done because of those things? Am I driven to do what I do because of those shadows? Will I lose my drive?
How much is me and how much is me running?
I think that's what I fear. I've been running and hiding and dodging and hurting for so long that I wonder what I am like without those things. I wonder if I will spring forward and just do it all because now I'm not being held back. Or will I stumble and fall because I no longer have to run?
I don't know. But I want to find out. I want to know what I am like with out all of those things in my head. I want to really meet me. I think I would be a good person to know. And I want to meet me.
So I am working on breaking free. Its scary. I may try and run and hide again cause its not going to be easy. But I've taken my first steps. And I have the desire. So hopefully soon all of you will get to meet me too.
I hope we are even better friends than we are now.