Words
Words are so powerful.
Some words I just can't bring myself to say out loud. They are too hard. Too painful. Too secret. Too real.
But I want to. I want to say the painful words. I want to let the tears run down my face while I scream and and rant and beat my tiny fists in the air and possibly on someone chest.
But I don't know how. They are stuck in my throat. They are stuck on the ends of my fingertips. Waiting, begging, crying, screaming to be let out, to never be said. To do both and to do nothing. A constant argument in every fiber of my being. Talk or not talk. Speak or not speak. Tell or not tell.
Its scary in my head. With all the unspoken words. Many of them have never even been spoken in my head. The fibers of my body argue in code. Nicknames and implications rule in the chaos that is my mind. I don't always know how to make it be quiet. I don't always know how to not listen. Or when I should listen. Or whether it is my decision to make. Or is it the fibers. The people in my head. Its their body too. Its their choice too. Should I let them make the choices for me? Or should I shut them up and make the choice for them? Which way is fair in a contest that has no winners?
Its all words. Words rule my life. Silence is my keeper. We are working at breaking down the walls. Me and the fibers and the people. My figertips itch sometimes. I think it is phantom e-mails that I am writing inside my hands telling my story. Sometimes I am out of breath. I think its the screams happening in my lungs. When my eyes ache I think its from the tears falling behind my eyes into my brain. My body is letting it out. I just don't share it with the outside world. And it leaves no marks. And much of the time I am still left confused and trying to understan how and why and what.
I want to understand.
I want to tell my story in ways other people will hear.
I want to say the words.
And I will....I will...I will.
Some words I just can't bring myself to say out loud. They are too hard. Too painful. Too secret. Too real.
But I want to. I want to say the painful words. I want to let the tears run down my face while I scream and and rant and beat my tiny fists in the air and possibly on someone chest.
But I don't know how. They are stuck in my throat. They are stuck on the ends of my fingertips. Waiting, begging, crying, screaming to be let out, to never be said. To do both and to do nothing. A constant argument in every fiber of my being. Talk or not talk. Speak or not speak. Tell or not tell.
Its scary in my head. With all the unspoken words. Many of them have never even been spoken in my head. The fibers of my body argue in code. Nicknames and implications rule in the chaos that is my mind. I don't always know how to make it be quiet. I don't always know how to not listen. Or when I should listen. Or whether it is my decision to make. Or is it the fibers. The people in my head. Its their body too. Its their choice too. Should I let them make the choices for me? Or should I shut them up and make the choice for them? Which way is fair in a contest that has no winners?
Its all words. Words rule my life. Silence is my keeper. We are working at breaking down the walls. Me and the fibers and the people. My figertips itch sometimes. I think it is phantom e-mails that I am writing inside my hands telling my story. Sometimes I am out of breath. I think its the screams happening in my lungs. When my eyes ache I think its from the tears falling behind my eyes into my brain. My body is letting it out. I just don't share it with the outside world. And it leaves no marks. And much of the time I am still left confused and trying to understan how and why and what.
I want to understand.
I want to tell my story in ways other people will hear.
I want to say the words.
And I will....I will...I will.