Sometimes I feel like an idiot
Not becuase I am one...I know I'm not. But because I miss things that I know didn't exisit. Or at the very least they didn't exsist as I thought they did.
Right now I have in one form or another gotten rid of pretty much all of my friends. Because they were unhealthy or too drama prone. And so now when I am bored at work and want to go do something...anything...I don't have anyone to call up and ask to go. But its more than that.
I miss thinking that I had a really good friend that I could confide in about anything. Cause while I can talk to M about anything...something just aren't what we talk about. I miss having someone that I can tell all the details too and giggle. Someone that will just go and have yogurt with me and talk about stupid crap. Just a friend that I thought was a good friend. Turns out wasn't. Makes me sad. Not mad. Not right now. Just sad. Because it was really good when it was good. You know? It was something that I had been missing and didn't even really realize I was missing until I had it. And now I don't and it makes me sad.
Which makes me feel like an idiot because it wasn't to her what it was to me. At least I don't think so. Most people would agree with me. That she was so full of lies that she didn't know how to be honest with me. But I don't know. Sometimes I think she did and she was doing the best she could...she just didn't know how to explain herself. And because the biggest issue between us was the one thing that both of us didn't know how to be reasonable about. So there really wasn't any talking it out. I don't know if that makes sense. Or maybe I am being too nice about things. I don't know. It doesn't matter. The chance to make it all better is gone. And there is no going back. So now I am just left wondering how much was real and how much was calculated to get what she wanted.
And sometimes I wonder if she misses the friendship that we had. I would like to think she does. Because I miss it.
And sometimes...when I am sitting at my desk I stare at my phone and wish I had her number in it to send her a silly text so that we can laugh while bored at work like we did so many times before.
Looking back sucks.
Its easier to do when you are looking back at pain and knowing that you are in a better place.
It is really hard when you are looking back on good times and you know they will never happen again.
Right now I have in one form or another gotten rid of pretty much all of my friends. Because they were unhealthy or too drama prone. And so now when I am bored at work and want to go do something...anything...I don't have anyone to call up and ask to go. But its more than that.
I miss thinking that I had a really good friend that I could confide in about anything. Cause while I can talk to M about anything...something just aren't what we talk about. I miss having someone that I can tell all the details too and giggle. Someone that will just go and have yogurt with me and talk about stupid crap. Just a friend that I thought was a good friend. Turns out wasn't. Makes me sad. Not mad. Not right now. Just sad. Because it was really good when it was good. You know? It was something that I had been missing and didn't even really realize I was missing until I had it. And now I don't and it makes me sad.
Which makes me feel like an idiot because it wasn't to her what it was to me. At least I don't think so. Most people would agree with me. That she was so full of lies that she didn't know how to be honest with me. But I don't know. Sometimes I think she did and she was doing the best she could...she just didn't know how to explain herself. And because the biggest issue between us was the one thing that both of us didn't know how to be reasonable about. So there really wasn't any talking it out. I don't know if that makes sense. Or maybe I am being too nice about things. I don't know. It doesn't matter. The chance to make it all better is gone. And there is no going back. So now I am just left wondering how much was real and how much was calculated to get what she wanted.
And sometimes I wonder if she misses the friendship that we had. I would like to think she does. Because I miss it.
And sometimes...when I am sitting at my desk I stare at my phone and wish I had her number in it to send her a silly text so that we can laugh while bored at work like we did so many times before.
Looking back sucks.
Its easier to do when you are looking back at pain and knowing that you are in a better place.
It is really hard when you are looking back on good times and you know they will never happen again.