Excited scared the whole deal
So we have the date booked. I'm excited. I'm scared. Its a big step. I know this. I'm scared that something will go wrong. That we will go wrong. I know we won't. We are very very well matched. Almost scarily so. I'm happy. I weigh more than I want to. So does he. He still finds me attactive. So its not that big of an issue. I don't like. I want my headaches to stop so that I can go back to the gym. I want to go down at least one dress size before the handfasting.
I have no idea what type of dress I want to wear. I'm shying away from the tradional weddingish things. beacuse this isn't a wedding. But its not a formal thing exactly either. I don't know. I have time. But time is going so fast I don't have a lot of time.
I hate my job. I'm looking for a new one. My boss is a jerk and I am pretty sure it is the cause of most of my migraines. There is no room for advancement. No benefits, no sick time, vacation time or holiday time. Its a good place holder job. I am past that point in my life tho. I don't want a place holder job. I want a real job. I don't know what I want to do tho. That's the problem. Well I know but I can't do what I want. Because I need to go to school. But I need to work. So its hard. I'm feeling the resentment of years wasted. I feel like I wasted the better part of the last 9 years. I lost out on many chances to do better things for myself because I was too busy trying to plan a life that didn't exsist. So many things would have been different if there had been actual honesty. I wouldn't have struggled to support people I thought were like family to me that instead were stabbing me in the back on a daily basis and living off of my hard work and sacrifice. Some many things. Too late to really look back on them. But I will let myself feel the anger and the resentment of it. So that it doesn't build up and posion my future. Looking back isn't a waste of time. If you don't look back and learn you will do the same stupid things with the same stupid people. Trust me I know.
From my last post...I didn't take Papa...I didn't contact JT....M told me no. C* said...well he thought about it but he said no. We didn't have room. It would have brought unwelcome intrusion into our lives. I hope Papa is in a good home now. I hope he was able to find a place to take him. I wish he would just give him up if he isn't going to take care of him. I hope he takes him home with him soon. I hope he grows up and takes responsiblity. I hope a lot of things. Most of them aren't bad at all. I really hope for good things for the people that have hurt me. But mainly I hope for them to deserve good things when they happen to them. I want them to get what they deserve.
I'm bored at work. I have 2 1/2 hrs left. I really want to leave. I don't want to come back. But I will. I have no choice really. Bills have to be paid. Food has to be bought. My dog needs to be taken care of. Life moves on.
I'm in a funk lately. Restless and frustrated. It will pass. Life overall is far too good for it not to.
I have no idea what type of dress I want to wear. I'm shying away from the tradional weddingish things. beacuse this isn't a wedding. But its not a formal thing exactly either. I don't know. I have time. But time is going so fast I don't have a lot of time.
I hate my job. I'm looking for a new one. My boss is a jerk and I am pretty sure it is the cause of most of my migraines. There is no room for advancement. No benefits, no sick time, vacation time or holiday time. Its a good place holder job. I am past that point in my life tho. I don't want a place holder job. I want a real job. I don't know what I want to do tho. That's the problem. Well I know but I can't do what I want. Because I need to go to school. But I need to work. So its hard. I'm feeling the resentment of years wasted. I feel like I wasted the better part of the last 9 years. I lost out on many chances to do better things for myself because I was too busy trying to plan a life that didn't exsist. So many things would have been different if there had been actual honesty. I wouldn't have struggled to support people I thought were like family to me that instead were stabbing me in the back on a daily basis and living off of my hard work and sacrifice. Some many things. Too late to really look back on them. But I will let myself feel the anger and the resentment of it. So that it doesn't build up and posion my future. Looking back isn't a waste of time. If you don't look back and learn you will do the same stupid things with the same stupid people. Trust me I know.
From my last post...I didn't take Papa...I didn't contact JT....M told me no. C* said...well he thought about it but he said no. We didn't have room. It would have brought unwelcome intrusion into our lives. I hope Papa is in a good home now. I hope he was able to find a place to take him. I wish he would just give him up if he isn't going to take care of him. I hope he takes him home with him soon. I hope he grows up and takes responsiblity. I hope a lot of things. Most of them aren't bad at all. I really hope for good things for the people that have hurt me. But mainly I hope for them to deserve good things when they happen to them. I want them to get what they deserve.
I'm bored at work. I have 2 1/2 hrs left. I really want to leave. I don't want to come back. But I will. I have no choice really. Bills have to be paid. Food has to be bought. My dog needs to be taken care of. Life moves on.
I'm in a funk lately. Restless and frustrated. It will pass. Life overall is far too good for it not to.