Why I'm not a Momma's girl
So yesterday I get a voicemail from my Aunt. This is the first time I have heard her voice in years. I think the last time we talked I was livin at JT's parents house....I couldn't drink legally. That long ago. Yeah. So she calls and leaves a message saying she needs to talk to me about my mom. This is never a good sign as she isn't saying it with a smile in her voice.
I almost didn't call back because WTF man!! I'm the BABY of the family why am I in charge of this shit? I know that its going to be something she is going to expect me to handle. And something I don't want to. Its not some stupid psyhic knowing its knowing my mom and her love of making other people take care of her.
But like the good daughter I call back. I even start to make dinner because I can cook and talk at the same time I've done it a million times with much more complicated menus on hand than frying some meats and boiling pasta. Then she starts to talk and I turn off the water and try to keep the tears out of my voice.
My mom she tells me doesn't take care of herself anymore. She hadn't bathed in a month before she arrived on my aunt's doorstep. And she refused to bathe (and lied about it) for days after she got there. She doesn't wash her hands after using the restroom. She is missing all but a few of her teeth and I'm sure the ones she has left aren't looking too good. She finally admitted that the reason she was missing so many was because she was doing crack...yes that's right my mom is a crackhead. And she is one because 'everyone else was doing it'. I guess we know what my mom would do if everyone else jumped off a bridge. She smokes too much which means she is going to end up with emphysiema (however its spelled) if she doesn't have it already. She is one a crazy amount of perscirption drugs from three different doctors that don't know about each other. Her diabetes is probabaly off the charts. She had a place to stay up there but she blew it because the moment she found out she then called someone else (a stranger to my mom's would be room mate) and told this woman and her dog that they could move in too. Which wasn't agreed on and not allowed. So she lost her chance to live in a better enviorment. My aunt asked me if I could take her. I said no I can't. And I won't. She understood and told me straight out that I shouldn't have to and that I better not feel guilty about not helping I have a life and the right to all the happiness I can find it in. That made me feel afuckingmazing to hear. It is one of the first times someone in my blood family has not only told me that but was so adament that I am not allowed to give up my life for someone else. Thank you for that Aunt Barbara you have no idea how much that meant to me...or maybe you do thats why you said it.
So now I have to look into a state run home for my mom. Because she can't take care of herself. And she won't ever try to.
Part of me really doesn't want to help her. Part of me wants to tell her to fuck off and die and let her go. I don't want to take care of her. I don't want to care. Because she didn't take care of me. She didn't care about me when I was in her care. When I was defenseless and scared. She didn't care. And now she has made herself a victim. Made herself this huge huge mess and burden on everyone in her life and I have to help try and make her better. Its really not fair. I don't want to but I will. Because I am a better person than that. I learned from her mistakes and won't do the same thing to a person in need. Even if that person turned from my cries time and time again. But its taking most of my strength to not fall apart right now. I am so very thankful for my ohana. Without them i don't know if I could deal. Actually that's not true. I could deal. And I would but it would be a million times harder. Having arms to hold you while you cry makes all the difference in the world. And having someone go out and get you ice cream because it will make you feel better is priceless. They make me a good kind of stronger not the kind I have had to be for so very long.
Mom...there are times when i really hate you. This is one of those times. But I will step up and be the woman you never could be. And I will help take care of you. Not in my home. I can't do that. But in someone else's. And if need be I will manage your money. This is what I can offer you. It is more than you gave me.
Mom...there are times when I really love you. This is one of those times. I don't know what to do with you and I really wish I could hold you close and make it all better. I will do what I can.
Goddess give me the strength I will be doing this mostly on my own. My dad won't help, Matt can't and Mikie has too much else on his plate.
I almost didn't call back because WTF man!! I'm the BABY of the family why am I in charge of this shit? I know that its going to be something she is going to expect me to handle. And something I don't want to. Its not some stupid psyhic knowing its knowing my mom and her love of making other people take care of her.
But like the good daughter I call back. I even start to make dinner because I can cook and talk at the same time I've done it a million times with much more complicated menus on hand than frying some meats and boiling pasta. Then she starts to talk and I turn off the water and try to keep the tears out of my voice.
My mom she tells me doesn't take care of herself anymore. She hadn't bathed in a month before she arrived on my aunt's doorstep. And she refused to bathe (and lied about it) for days after she got there. She doesn't wash her hands after using the restroom. She is missing all but a few of her teeth and I'm sure the ones she has left aren't looking too good. She finally admitted that the reason she was missing so many was because she was doing crack...yes that's right my mom is a crackhead. And she is one because 'everyone else was doing it'. I guess we know what my mom would do if everyone else jumped off a bridge. She smokes too much which means she is going to end up with emphysiema (however its spelled) if she doesn't have it already. She is one a crazy amount of perscirption drugs from three different doctors that don't know about each other. Her diabetes is probabaly off the charts. She had a place to stay up there but she blew it because the moment she found out she then called someone else (a stranger to my mom's would be room mate) and told this woman and her dog that they could move in too. Which wasn't agreed on and not allowed. So she lost her chance to live in a better enviorment. My aunt asked me if I could take her. I said no I can't. And I won't. She understood and told me straight out that I shouldn't have to and that I better not feel guilty about not helping I have a life and the right to all the happiness I can find it in. That made me feel afuckingmazing to hear. It is one of the first times someone in my blood family has not only told me that but was so adament that I am not allowed to give up my life for someone else. Thank you for that Aunt Barbara you have no idea how much that meant to me...or maybe you do thats why you said it.
So now I have to look into a state run home for my mom. Because she can't take care of herself. And she won't ever try to.
Part of me really doesn't want to help her. Part of me wants to tell her to fuck off and die and let her go. I don't want to take care of her. I don't want to care. Because she didn't take care of me. She didn't care about me when I was in her care. When I was defenseless and scared. She didn't care. And now she has made herself a victim. Made herself this huge huge mess and burden on everyone in her life and I have to help try and make her better. Its really not fair. I don't want to but I will. Because I am a better person than that. I learned from her mistakes and won't do the same thing to a person in need. Even if that person turned from my cries time and time again. But its taking most of my strength to not fall apart right now. I am so very thankful for my ohana. Without them i don't know if I could deal. Actually that's not true. I could deal. And I would but it would be a million times harder. Having arms to hold you while you cry makes all the difference in the world. And having someone go out and get you ice cream because it will make you feel better is priceless. They make me a good kind of stronger not the kind I have had to be for so very long.
Mom...there are times when i really hate you. This is one of those times. But I will step up and be the woman you never could be. And I will help take care of you. Not in my home. I can't do that. But in someone else's. And if need be I will manage your money. This is what I can offer you. It is more than you gave me.
Mom...there are times when I really love you. This is one of those times. I don't know what to do with you and I really wish I could hold you close and make it all better. I will do what I can.
Goddess give me the strength I will be doing this mostly on my own. My dad won't help, Matt can't and Mikie has too much else on his plate.