[One-Shot] Behind Closed Eyelids

[ueboaffection]

Title: Behind Closed Eyelids

Pairing: Maruda, with special appearance by Akanishi and Masuda.

Rating: PG

Genre: AU, angst, romance, fluff

Disclaimer: Do not own anything.

Summary: People had always said that ‘time heals’, but Yuichi thought that time only blurred the past. When he closed his eyes; behind those closed eyelids - he could only see his memories. When he slept, he would dream of the past, of what had happened, and he would wake up knowing that he couldn’t do anything to change what he saw.

A/N: Dedicated to the wonderful chuckles0505 for her birthday. I’m sorry if this fic turns out to be bad. I really wanted to write you something happier, but I wasn’t able to produce anything good D: Anyway, happy birthday and stay awesome! Thank you for being my friend, and I wish you the best in everything. I heart you <3333



People had always said that ‘time heals’, but Yuichi thought that time only blurred the past. The scars of the past couldn’t be erased by time, but could only be dulled, until the pain slowly subsided and what was left of it was a lingering, faint wound that clawed onto one’s memories.

A nudge in the ribs broke him off from his thoughts, and he gave Masuda a questioning look.

“Look outside,” was all Masuda said.

A balloon, a purple coloured one, floated up towards his window, slowly, steadily, until it flew even higher and went past his floor.

Yuichi cleared some of the things on his desk with quick, nimble hands and patted his friend on the shoulder as a wordless thanks before going out of his cubicle.

“Enjoy your date!” Masuda shouted, and Yuichi could practically see him grinning as he said so.

Yuichi went down the building and out to the streets, where he craned his neck and raked his eyes around, searching for a face.

“Who are you looking for?” a voice behind him said. A voice he knew too well. He swung around and smiled.

“Welcome back,” he said.

Tatsuya smiled, “It’s good to be back. So I take it the balloon passed by your window today?”

Yuichi’s smile turned wry. “Thanks to the weather I guess. The wind’s not strong today.”

They walked together, side by side, and an unknown feeling spread through Yuichi like waves. Seeing Tatsuya’s side profile, having their shoulders touch as they ambled together, and feeling Tatsuya’s hand brush up against his own from time to time - these sensations which led to a feeling; nostalgia, perhaps, with a mixture of familiarity. He remembered doing this with Tatsuya ever since they became friends, the memories coming to him with clarity. And then he showed up, and Yuichi was thrown somewhere into the background. But things were back to the way it was now, or so Yuichi liked to think. He knew though, that he was just lying to himself, because things could never revert to how it was before. Not with how Tatsuya was. And not with how he himself was.

They lunched at a restaurant which they had been frequenting for years, and the sense of nostalgia just grew stronger, settling inside of him.

“How was the trip?” he asked while they were waiting for their food to arrive.

Tatsuya looked into his eyes briefly, then darted his gaze onto the table where his hands fiddled with the cutleries. “Boring. I had never been so bored in my life before.”

Yuichi let out a small laugh. “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“Maybe it wasn’t,” Tatsuya said in a voice that sounded to Yuichi like it could fade away, and it felt almost as if Yuichi was the one that was going to disappear.

Yuichi bit his lower lip, trying to come up with something that would lighten the mood.

He leaned across the table and reached out a hand to ruffle Tatsuya’s immaculate hair.

Tatsuya laughed as he pushed Yuichi’s hand away. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Your hair looks tempting,” Yuichi said as he returned to his original position, a grin hanging on his face.

“Motive accepted, then.” Tatsuya dropped his gaze after some time, suddenly closing his shutters and building a fort around him, muttering something imperceptible as he picked up a fork and gave the table a few stabs.

A slight frown touched Yuichi’s forehead as he could not make out the words nor understand why the person in front of him was suddenly moody. He decided to take the fork from him, and after a second’s thought, took the knife away too.

Tatsuya huffed and propped a hand underneath his chin, finally stopping his mumble. Then he wore that look again. The far-off look where deep within his eyes a heavy black liquid swirled in a strange, unpredictable whirlpool pattern.

“What were you talking abou-”

Just then a waiter came to their table, bringing their food, but Tatsuya was still trapped in his own thoughts, his eyes depicting emptiness.

Yuichi extended a hand and rested it upon Tatsuya’s which was on the table, and he flinched, surprised at the touch.

“Aren’t you eating?” Yuichi asked. Tatsuya gave him a long stare with those unreadable eyes of him, then pulled his hand away from underneath Yuichi’s and smiled amusedly. “I would if you give me back my knife and fork.”

Yuichi rubbed his fingers together, still able to feel the sensation of when he touched Tatsuya’s hand, and hid his disappointment by flashing a smile.

“Right, sorry. Here you go.”

Sometimes, he thought, it was better to fake a smile than to explain your sadness.

*~*~*~*

“I think you guys are cute,” Masuda suddenly told Yuichi one day as he peered from above the wall that separated their cubicles.

Yuichi jumped and the papers that he was holding flew everywhere. “What the heck - you almost gave me a heart attack, Masuda.”

“The way he would fly a balloon up the window to call you down, and you rushing downstairs to meet him, it’s all very adorable,” Masuda continued to say.

Yuichi sighed and bent down to pick up the scattered papers.

“It started out as a habit,” Yuichi explained, “He used to buy balloons just so he could release them into the sky. It’s a bit silly isn’t it? And not very environment-friendly too,” he placed the papers neatly on his desk and stood over them quietly, his memories suddenly pouring into him. They were so clear, so real, he felt as if he could almost reach out to the sceneries and touch them.

“But… I guess I’m thankful for it.”

Masuda disappeared momentarily before emerging again from the other side, a cookie in hand.

“I met him one day when I was walking on a bridge back from school. Then a bunch of colourful balloons just flew out from the side. I looked down and saw him staring up into the sky by the river, his hand which released the balloons reaching up for the sky.” Yuichi slumped down on his chair and swivelled around to look out the window. “And he was smiling. He looked… genuinely happy,” Yuichi said, a soft smile touching his lips as he recalled the memory.

Then he remembered that he was supposed to be talking to Masuda. He turned to look up at him and smiled awkwardly when he saw that Masuda had a huge grin plastered across his face as he munched on his cookie.

“Lucky your cubicle is right next to the window,” he said after swallowing, wagging his eyebrows as he did.

“Yeah, but too bad my luck depends on the wind too.”

Masuda went quiet for a while then added, “Did you know that in some places, balloon releasing events are prohibited?”

Yuichi rolled his eyes.

Masuda gave a ghost of a shrug and continued, “Anyway, so are you guys, like, dating?”

Yuichi opened his mouth to deny that, but something refrained him from doing so. He sat there open-mouthed for a while, and it was not until Masuda called his name did he answer. “No. We’re not dating.”

“Really?” Masuda cocked his head to one side. “And why is that?”

“No particular reason,” Yuichi lied, the words hurled with great effort. Because he doesn’t love me.

*~*~*~*

Yuichi thought that memories are a peculiar thing. When he was living the moment, he never thought what he saw, what he heard, what he felt, could make a lasting impression inside his head. After the years had passed though, he learned that the sceneries he saw back then could be replayed vividly in front of his eyes, almost as though he was watching a film. But he knew that they were fading away.

Yuichi, 17 at that time, was sitting by the river bed with Tatsuya. They drank a few cans of soda as they talked and threw pebbles into the running water, letting the day drowse on. He recalled a long streak of cloud which had hung pasted across a dome of frozen blue, and a bright sun that beamed above them. A puff of wind swept by, blowing through their hair, and Tatsuya had giggled at how messy their hair was. Strangely enough, during that moment, Yuichi thought that Tatsuya looked beautiful, more beautiful than Yuichi had noticed him to be. He had a desire to kiss him, but something held him back.

Thinking back about it, he assumed what had stopped him then was probably fear. Fear of rejection and of being different, and fear of changes. But he came to regret not acting on his emotions. If he did, things might have been different. Tatsuya might have never chosen Jin.

His phone vibrated on the desk and he was shaken out of his reverie. It was a mail from Tatsuya.

‘I can’t make it for lunch, so no balloon show for you today. Dinner at your place?’

Yuichi’s lips formed a thin, rueful smile. He was finally able to get Tatsuya all to himself, but he couldn’t shake off the icicles of guilt that clutched the depths of his heart. There were days when he wouldn’t be able to look at Tatsuya in the eyes, because he could never bring himself to truthfully say that a part of him was actually happy that Jin went away, leaving him broken-hearted.

He averted his eyes from his phone to the window before typing a reply.

‘Sure. I’ll see you tonight.’

*~*~*~*

When Yuichi arrived home that evening, he found Tatsuya in the kitchen, chopping up some vegetables and humming a tune.

“Welcome home. You’re a bit late,” Tatsuya said though the rat-tat sound. Yuichi dropped his things in the living room and walked into the kitchen with a tired smile.

“I didn’t notice the time. So what are you making?”

“Haven’t decided yet.”

“I’ll go change first.” With that Yuichi made his way to his bedroom and as he changed into an old t-shirt and a pair of knee-length shorts, it occurred to him, not for the first time though, that while he knew Tatsuya well, he never really could tell what he was thinking. He took in the pride of knowing just about everything concerning Ueda Tatsuya, but he had to admit, there were times when it was simply hard for him to comprehend what was going through his mind. He understood him because they had been together for a long time, but time didn’t make Tatsuya an easier person to read.

The sound of a pot crashing to the floor reminded him that he was supposed to be making dinner, and he rushed out to the kitchen to find Tatsuya crouching, wiping some sauce off the floor.

He smiled impishly. “I leave you for a while and this is what happens,” he teased.

Tatsuya puffed some hair out of his face and stood up before retorting, “Oh please. Like I can’t live without you.”

Yuichi seemed to freeze upon hearing those words. Tatsuya was at the sink, washing the dirty cloth he had used to clean the mess, while the former just stood behind him, not saying a word.

Tatsuya turned around, and frowned when he noticed how gloomy Yuichi was.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he walked closer and put a hand to Yuichi’s cheek.

Yuichi leaned his face against it and looked sadly at the person in front of him. “Do you really mean that?”

Tatsuya’s brows crumpled together for a while but a look of realization crossed over his face when he recalled what he had said earlier. He moved his hands onto Yuichi’s shoulders and stretched to his maximum height to touch his cheek to Yuichi’s.

“You idiot,” he said, but his voice was without venom. “You’d actually believe something like that?” He fluttered his eyes close. “I don’t think I’d ever be able to live without a Nakamaru Yuichi by my side,” he said softly into Yuichi’s ear.

Relief washed over Yuichi as he too closed his eyes, enjoying the marvellous, comfortable warmth of the gesture. It wasn’t the first time he was told something like that, but still it was nice to hear those comforting words. It was childish, he knew, but hearing those words which fell from Tatsuya’s mouth gave him hope to cling on. It was a small, futile hope, which would sometimes fill him with sorrow and unbearable heartaches, but it was also what gave him purpose.

Tatsuya reverted to his normal height and smiled at his friend. “I’d like to have dinner now.” He swung around and went to the stove.

The warmth had vanished, but the hope was still there.

*~*~*~*

Yuichi still remembered the day when their lives were changed. A boy at their school, a year youngerthan them, known for his ebullience and individuality, had ran down the stairs and collided into Tatsuya who was ascending, and this had sent them both flying down a flight of stairs. Miraculously, none of them was injured, but a brawl ensued. Yuichi didn’t manage to stop them, but somewhere along the fray he reminded his friend that he hadn’t had lunch yet, and surprisingly, the two boys paused at the same time to ask Yuichi if there was still time left for them to eat.

From then on, Jin had somehow befriended them, and he would occasionally pop out of nowhere to bug them. They would sometimes hang out together, and it was during those times that Yuichi realized how much he loved and missed the times spent with only Tatsuya. Then he would feel depressed too, knowing that he was the one that made them friends, who coaxed Tatsuya to bury the hatchet so Jin could be a friend rather than a hostile force.

It was not until their first year of university did Jin confess. Tatsuya had asked Yuichi for advice, and he stupidly said that they should go out with each other, even though he actually didn’t want them to. He wondered what made him lie, it was not often that he practised deceit, but those things seemed to him to be what he should say in his position. As a friend, he thought he was doing the right thing. Then he realized that he was wrong.

A red balloon floated upwards, passing outside his window, and he guessed a gush of wind had blown by as the balloon suddenly flew away and immediately went out of sight. He automatically thanked the wind’s perfect timing, if not he would’ve missed the balloon.

He picked up his things and was ready to leave when he received a call. It was an unknown number, and Yuichi flipped his cell open and brought it to his ear.

“Hello?”

Yuichi frowned when there wasn’t any response.

“Um, who’s there?”

“Nakamaru?”

He blanched. Hearing that voice swamped Yuichi with a great sense of shock which froze his blood, paralyzed his limbs and turned his tongue to lead, and he stood almost as still as death. The world seemed to stop for a while, and everything went dead. All the sounds were muted out and he could easily hear the frantic beating of his heart as his panic rose.

“It’s me. I… I’m back.”

*~*~*~*

When Jin left, Tatsuya didn’t seem as devastated as Yuichi took him to be. They didn’t see each other for about 2 days since Jin left, because Tatsuya wouldn’t answer his calls or reply his mails, and he took it as a sign that he wanted to be left alone for a while. On the third day though, just about when Yuichi was on the verge of going crazy after having so much worry built inside of him, Tatsuya gave him a ring and asked for them to meet at a bar.

Tatsuya looked normal. There was no tear-streaked face, let alone red, swollen eyes. Yuichi didn’t really understand why.

“What have you been doing? I was really worried,” Yuichi had said.

“I’ve… been thinking. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Tatsuya answered with an apathetic face and hollow eyes.

They drank a couple of shots, and left the bar when Tatsuya said he wanted to take a walk. And so they walked around the streets of Tokyo that night in a meandering way, with no particular destination in mind. They passed by a gift shop, and Tatsuya bought a few balloons, all yellow in colour. He led the way to his apartment and gestured for Yuichi to stand next to him on the balcony. He talked in snatches, and all the things he talked about were not really linked to one another, but still Yuichi listened with undivided attention.

Then he released the balloons. He raised his face and stared at the starless, pitch black sky, and slowly, he uncurled his fingers.

Yuichi studied the way the yellow balloons floated steadily into the air, the trail of its bright colour like a light in that dark, still night remaining inside of him, their pale glow hovering further and further away.

It was then when he noticed a stray of tear staining a crystal path on Tatsuya’s cheek.

“Tatsuya?” he called out softly, reaching out a hand.

The next thing Yuichi knew, Tatsuya was crying uncontrollably, weeping with great wrecking sobs that came from deep inside of him.

When he tried to hold him close, he was pushed away rather vehemently, but after a few attempts, he managed to collect Tatsuya into his arms. Pressed against him, Yuichi could feel his body trembling, and soon his shirt became damp with the tears and hot breath.

“Why? Why -?” was what Tatsuya kept repeating as he cried.

Yuichi could take a guess but didn’t exactly know what he was referring to, so he didn’t give an answer. He just tightened his embrace and when he closed his eyes, the faint yellow glow remained, just beyond his grasp, always unreachable.

“Yucchi?”

He opened his eyes to find Tatsuya’s face close to his, and he looked to his surroundings, as if confused as to where he was. Then he remembered that he was at Tatsuya’s house.

“Come on, sleepy head. It’s dinner time,” Tatsuya got to his feet and went to the table.

Yuichi rose from the couch and rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the sleep stars. “How long have I been asleep?” he asked as he took a seat across Tatsuya.

“Not long. But it seemed as if you had a dream. Was it a nightmare?” Tatsuya asked out of curiosity.

Yuichi stared vacantly at him before answering, “No, it wasn’t.”

But Tatsuya was somewhat unsatisfied. “It wasn’t?” A silence followed. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you… keeping something from me?” His eyes told Yuichi that he was asking earnestly, but still, he just couldn’t bring himself to give him an honest answer.

“I- It’s nothing,” he stuttered.

Tatsuya’s eyes turned into two pools that were layered with ice. He looked away. “Is that so?” he said in a clipped tone.

Yuichi found it impossible to tell him. He didn’t want his bubble of sweet oblivion to rupture - what he had, what he believed he had, he didn’t want to lose them. Not again.

*~*~*~*

Tatsuya and Jin had dated for 3 years. During their second anniversary, Jin had to leave town to visit a sick relative, and to not waste the carefully planned summer evening, Tatsuya had spent the night with Yuichi. It was a night Yuichi could never forget, but with great pleasure came heavy guilt.

After dinner they had gone to a festival, walking around the stalls and enjoying the gratifying atmosphere as they ate shaved ice under the light of the lanterns. Somewhere in the sea of people, Tatsuya had tripped and Yuichi managed to catch him just in time, and the memory of him holding Tatsuya in his arms remained vividly alive inside his mind. They were close - very close, with Tatsuya’s hand on his arms as he just regained his balance, and their faces were only inches apart. He had locked eyes with the other, and his heart had clenched painfully, knowing that those beautiful eyes were not meant to be looking at him that evening. When he flicked his eyes to Tatsuya’s slightly parted lips, he thought about how he should’ve kissed him before he became someone else’s. He then clamped his eyes shut so as to stop hurting himself, to stop the overflow of tumultuous emotions, but when he started to pull away, Tatsuya had slid his arms around his waist, closing the sliver of distance between them. He was utterly surprised, yet his heart had fluttered in its aching cage and without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Tatsuya’s slender figure, bringing him into a tight embrace. It wasn’t the first time they hugged, but it was special to Yuichi nonetheless. It was special, as long as he ignored the reason that Tatsuya hugged him that evening was probably because he missed Jin.

Yuichi opened his eyes, returning to the present, and rested his gaze upon Tatsuya who was sprawled beside him on the floor, reading a magazine. He glanced at the clock on the wall and with a heavy heart he said, “Hey, it’s kind of late. Don’t you want to go home?”

Tatsuya looked pensive for a while. Then his lips quirked into a sweet, almost cunning, smile and Yuichi’s heart skipped a beat. “Can I stay here for the night?” he tilted his head a little and pouted. “I’m going on another trip tomorrow, so I won’t be seeing you in a few days. And besides, you wouldn’t want to throw me out in the rain do you?”

Yuichi would be lying if he said he didn’t want to have Tatsuya staying for the night. He would do anything to have Tatsuya stay by his side, to have him all to himself, but he knew that even if they were together, their feelings would betray them. The past would always entangle them with its tenebrous fingers, and Yuichi could never find a way to escape.

But when Tatsuya gave him a pleading look, he couldn’t help but let him stay. And besides, it was raining.

Yuichi unfolded the sofa and made a bed for him, leaving him with a pillow, blanket and some sheets. They took turns to use the bathroom and after saying goodnight, Yuichi switched off the lights and climbed onto his bed, but he wasn’t feeling sleepy. His mind was alert; he was thinking about Tatsuya who was sleeping in his living room, about how he was lying to him, and for how long he was going to keep the façade up.

A little after midnight, his bedroom door edged open and he heard footsteps padding towards his bed. He immediately closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep, but wasn’t able to keep the act up when Tatsuya crawled in next to him.

“I can’t sleep,” he whispered.

“Me, too.”

The darkness enveloped them, but Yuichi knew that they were both lying on their sides, facing each other. The sound of the scattered rain drops enfolded them as Tatsuya’s hand searched around for his own. And so they stayed like that for a long time, holding hands under the covers to the sound of the rain, and as Yuichi clasped Tatsuya’s hand, he felt as if they were the only ones in the universe.

*~*~*~*

It continued to rain for the next couple of days. It was still raining when Yuichi met up with Jin.

He hadn’t changed much. He still had the same brown eyes, the same wavy hair the colour of chestnut, but he looked rather haggard and thinner, almost emaciated. Yuichi also noted the melancholy hidden in his smile as he greeted him. He didn’t return the smile, and the first thing he said as they took their seats in a restaurant was “What are you doing here?”

Jin dropped his smile. He brought out a box of cigarettes, put one in his mouth and lit it up with his lighter. “I just felt like coming back.”

“Felt like coming back? What for?”

Jin shrugged half-heartedly as he blew out a puff of smoke. “To check on you guys I suppose. It’s been over a year hasn’t it?”

Yuichi scowled. “You’re saying that as if it’s an unimportant thing. Let me make it clear, you coming back doesn’t make things better, it doesn’t make us feel better. It doesn’t make him better.”

Jin didn’t say anything. He merely casted a long, intense look at Yuichi, almost as if he was reading and analysing him. He shattered the strenuous atmosphere with a bitter smile. “You don’t need to tell me that. I know what I did.”

Yuichi almost felt sorry for what he said, but he shook the feeling off and promptly stood up. “Just - just don’t show up in front of him. Okay? That’s all I’m asking for.” He didn’t spare Jin a second look and simply left.

*~*~*~*

Yuichi stretched out on his bed and yawned after he switched off all the lights in his apartment. He felt tired, exhausted; he hadn’t been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. He pillowed his head with his hands and fixed his eyes on the ceiling. He heaved a sigh and closed his eyes, trying to erase all thoughts off his mind. But behind his closed eyelids, the images of his past would not stop surfacing. It was as though they knew that they were beginning to fade, and so the memories would slam into Yuichi every time he tried to recall them, almost refusing to thaw. Even when he did sleep, he would dream of the past, of what had happened, and he would wake up knowing that he couldn’t do anything to change what he saw. But when he dreamt of the times spent with Tatsuya, he’d wish that he would never wake up.

That night he dreamt of lying in a bed of grass, the open blue sky spreading endlessly, the clouds lethargically hovering above him, and the wind blew ever so softly, waltzing over him and Tatsuya.

He would sleep as Tatsuya sat closely next to him, tracing his features with his index finger, before ghosting over his fringe, then brushing it away from his eyes delicately, and when Yuichi flickered his eyes open, he would be greeted with a gentle smile.

He smiled back, and with a voice that was heavy with sleep he asked, “What are you doing here? I thought you’re going to come back tomorrow.”

Tatsuya was kneeling with his arms crossed at the edge of the bed. “It ended early. So I thought I’d stop by to see you.” He reached out a hand and played with the strands of hair that covered Yuichi’s forehead.

Streaming in through the open window, the bright moonlight casted long shadows and splashed the walls with a touch of diluted ink. Tatsuya’s face was illuminated by the oddly surreal light of the moon, and though Yuichi’s mind was still foggy, he could see how transparent the other’s eyes were. He peered into them, but in their depths there was nothing he could decipher.

Tatsuya caressed his face, running his fingers from his eyebrows to his jaw, brushing his cheek with the back of his fingers, and all thoughts disappeared from Yuichi’s mind. Like in his dream, he was able to feel a strange sort of relaxation as he relished the gentle touch.

As he felt his eyes dropping lower and the image of Tatsuya became dimmer, he mumbled, “Tatsuya, stay for the night? Don’t… don’t leave me.”

Almost falling asleep, he could see the silhouette of Tatsuya’s lips forming a smile, and that night he sunk into a deep slumber, wrung of all fatigue, filled with a sense of Tatsuya’s presence.

*~*~*~*

It was odd to Yuichi how Jin hadn’t contacted him at all since they last met. He thought he would be happy about it, but it all seemed to fall in a weird place and it perturbed him to no end.

He didn’t give out details, but relayed some of his worries to Masuda.

With a sage-like nod Masuda said, “I see what the problem is.”

Yuichi waited for him to continue, not even bothered anymore with the fact that his colleague was always standing at the other side of his cubicle, with only his head and shoulders visible from where Yuichi sat.

“This guy - Ueda’s ex - has suddenly shown up after a long time right? But he’s not really doing anything to interfere with your little love story. From how I see it, maybe, I don’t know, maybe he just wants a closure?”

Yuichi frowned. “Is that possible?”

Masuda shrugged, “Could be.”

But Yuichi wasn’t in the least bit convinced, and he continued staring into space with a sullen air around him.

Masuda sighed. “Another theory; maybe you’re the one that’s too caught up in the past? I don’t really know what makes me think that, but sometimes I just get the feeling that you’re too blinded by the past that you can’t really see the present.”

In a way, what Masuda said stung Yuichi. He wasn’t the one who was always wearing a far-off look, with his mind swirling around in sadness. He wasn’t the one who would at times crawl into his shell and talk of things which were intangible. No, he thought, it wasn’t him who was trapped in the past. It was Tatsuya. Masuda was wrong, and that was what Yuichi chose to believe.

*~*~*~*

Yuichi sat on a bench at the park, waiting for Tatsuya. The latter had something extremely important to talk to him about, and so there he was, sitting restlessly in anticipation. Tatsuya walked up to him soon enough, but on his face was sketched a type of expression which made Yuichi anxious.

Tatsuya sat next to him, still looking very serious.

Yuichi gulped and tried to sound casual as he asked, “So what is it that you want to talk about?” but the tremor in his voice betrayed him.

The other continued to stay quiet and had his eyes glued to the ground beneath them, and Yuichi was starting to drench in sweat, the suspense killing him.

“Yuichi,” Tatsuya finally started, “I… I saw him.”

Yuichi’s pulse accelerated. “Wh-what? Who are you talking about?” He asked just for the sake of it. Somewhere deep inside of him, the part of him which had always known that this day would come, had already known the answer.

“Jin.”

He could feel his world crumbling.

“I saw him. And we had a little talk.”

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Things were already fine with how it was, even though he knew that they were both broken in a way, that there were pieces of them which were detached, that there was something missing in them.

“And… and I guess that’s all it took. I think it was what I needed.”

A cold twist curdled at the pit of his stomach. He was afraid of what would come next.

“I think I finally know what I really want.”

He could hear his heart breaking into a million shards, along with the hope he had clung onto, leaving only fragments of his memories.

Somehow a feeling of betrayal came to him, along with humiliation. It was ridiculous of him to have such hope in the first place, yet he still believed. But now it was useless. He felt like a fool.

“Yuichi, I think I -”

“Then just go to him,” Yuichi forced the words out of him.

“What?”

Yuichi’s hands clenched into fists, and he swallowed down the revulsion in his throat to continue. “That’s what you’re trying to say, right? That’s what’s so important, right? Then just do it! You don’t have to tell me,” he refused to look at Tatsuya in the face. It would hurt too much. “Just… just go already,” he said weakly, his eyes starting to well.

“Yuichi, I don’t understand -”

“What don’t you understand? I want you to go! Just go!!” He shouted, surprising himself at the violence and intensity of his own voice. He sounded like a completely different person.

He heard Tatsuya coming closer, and when he felt a touch on his shoulder, he slapped the other’s hand away, almost by reflex. Having Tatsuya close by made it worse for him. “Don’t-don’t touch me!”

Tatsuya immediately retreated.

Yuichi felt like he had lost all control of himself. Head in his hands, he started murmuring in a voice that was barely audible, “Don’t make me believe in things that won’t happen. Stop giving me false hope,” and his eyes were beginning to sting with held back tears.

“Fine. If that’s what you want, then I’ll go,” Tatsuya said in a guarded but wavering, unsteady voice. It sounded as if he too was suppressing his tears. Then he left.

Yuichi’s chest constricted painfully as he lifted his head, looking at Tatsuya’s diminishing figure. His tears fell freely as his hands uncurled from the tight fists they had been in, and his legs felt wobbly. He allowed the pain to spread into his chest and constrict his throat as he knelt on the ground, and through his eyes which were glazed over with water, he wasn’t able to see Tatsuya’s silhouette anymore.

*~*~*~*

The sun began to peer into Yuichi’s room, showering the space with its white blinding rays and all he did was to coil onto his side, pulling up the covers over his head, refusing to get out of bed. He had called in sick that day, but all he had been doing since the previous night was curl up into a ball on the bed, ceaselessly sighing and groaning, and uttering reprimands directed to himself. Every now and then he would recall the fond memories had shared with Tatsuya, and he would smile painfully, knowing that he had ruined the imperfect happiness he had.

Their relationship was reasonably marked by squabbles and arguments, but this time, he had really done it. He remembered how he once reconciled with Tatsuya after a baseless fight. He had bought about a dozen of balloons and heavily relying on the wind condition that day, he tried to fly them up to Tatsuya’s room through his wide open window, but missed the frame by a few inches. He managed to attract Tatsuya’s attention though, and he quickly raised a huge sign with ‘I’m Sorry’ written on it above his head while an apologetic, tentative smile made its way to his lips. He guessed such a childish tactic wouldn’t work in this current case.

His phone buzzed and he threw the covers off, grabbing his phone from the bed side table rather eagerly but was met with despondence when he saw the number. He fell back on the bed, sighing irritably as he answered Jin’s call.

The conversation, albeit he was snappy at first, jolted him to his senses and he leaped out of bed, rushing to get ready to meet up with Jin.

“Nakamaru.” Jin went quiet as he observed Yuichi. “You look like crap.”

“Why thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”

They both fell into an awkward silence after the exchange. Yuichi, after fidgeting around, took a seat across the table from Jin and resisted the urge to jump to his questions.

“About what I said on the phone…” Jin finally said, and Yuichi started to twist his fingers around.

“So he seriously didn’t say anything to you?” A waiter came around and Jin ordered two coffees.

“Well…” Yuichi dragged, “I uh, I kind of cut him off, and um, I also yelled at him…”

Jin raised an eyebrow.

Yuichi heaved an exasperated sigh and banged his forehead on the table. “That was stupid of me, wasn’t it?”

“Ye -”

“Don’t answer that!” Yuichi said, his forehead still attached to the table.

“Nakamaru, stop being so glum,” Jin poked the other’s head.

Yuichi raised his grief-stricken face.

“Do you want to know something?” Jin fiddled with the ashtray on the table as he talked. “Do you want to know why I left?” he took Yuichi’s silence as a signal for him to continue.

“I found out -” he paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before he proceeded with his next line, “It finally got to me that Tatsuya… never really loved me.”

Jin’s eyes were riveted on the table, and Yuichi repeated the words in his head, trying to understand them.

“But I thought…” he said as he frowned.

Jin gave a small smile. “You thought he did? Well, in a distorted and forced kind of way he did, but in reality, he loved you more.” He said his words slowly and carefully, as if giving time for Yuichi to process them.

“Nakamaru, I left because I realized that between the both you, there was something special; a deep, natural love. I don’t know what took me so long but, I realized that I had been in the way. I had always known that you love him, yet I still tried to win him over. But I think… I think even I couldn’t love him as much. Leaving so suddenly wasn’t the smartest move, then again I’ve never been the smartest person alive, but it certainly cleared up the fog in our heads. During the time frame of 15 months, both of us tried to find out an answer. A solution. And seeing him the other day, we decided that we were never really supposed to be together.”

Jin eventually looked up and smiled. “But… surprisingly, we’re both really okay with it. I guess it’s a sign that we’re over it.”

Yuichi tried to respond, but couldn’t do anything other than leave his mouth agape.

“Nakamaru? Are you okay?” Jin narrowed his eyes as a thought crossed his mind. “Wait… don’t tell me that you’ve never noticed how Tat-chan feels towards you?”

Yuichi closed his mouth and he began to look ashamed of himself.

Jin recoiled, almost horrified. “I can’t believe this… just how long have you guys been together again? And during all these years you think that the relationship you guys have is platonic, and nothing beyond friendship?”

Yuichi hung his head in a gesture of guilt.

“Oh my god, you’re giving me a headache,” Jin rubbed his temple. “To think I left for more than a year, and what do I come back to?” he muttered.

“I think the reason why I never noticed was because… it felt natural.” There was a short pause as Yuichi tried to choose the right words.  “Holding hands, hugging, invading each other’s personal spaces - they all felt natural. The relationship that we have; I feel that it’s almost as natural as the changing seasons,” Yuichi said in a tender and even voice.

Jin couldn’t help but smile when he heard that. He then sharpened his gaze to a glare and kicked Yuichi’s legs from underneath the table. “What the hell are you still sitting here for? Get out and find him!”

Yuichi hissed at the blow to his legs but he briskly stood up when Jin growled at him. He ran towards the door but halted suddenly. He turned around and grinned brightly at Jin. “Akanishi, you need to find your own happy ending too.”

Jin blinked, and a smile broke on his face. “Just worry about your own ending. Now get out of here.”

“No need to tell me twice,” Yuichi hollered over his shoulder as he hurried out.

Yuichi kept running, courage and determination lending him speed, and through the corners of his eyes, he could see how his surroundings morphed into balls of intermingling colours which constantly changed shapes as they bathed in the afternoon’s radiance.

But in his mind there was one thing; only one person. In his attempt to not hurt him, to keep him safe from what he thought would harm his fragile heart, he never noticed how he was the one that was always making the other suffer. He had been so blind. Clutching onto the fading, imperfect vessel of his memories, he had forgotten about what was in front of him, about what was right beside him all this time. Masuda was right, and he had always been wrong. He thought what he did would make Tatsuya happy, but he ended up hurting both himself and the person he loved.

Going to Tatsuya’s workplace, he found out that he too had taken the day off. He raced to Tatsuya’s apartment, and a soft, warm glow started to light up in the crevice of his heart.

He didn’t know what to do when he barged in and saw Tatsuya standing at the balcony, staring right back at him. Through the thin, white curtains, he could see Tatsuya’s mildly shocked expression, and though his mind was blank at first, he knew that he wanted to be there, right next to him, to sense his presence, and to tell him how he really felt; how he had always felt. The glow that lived in the depth of his heart, that was nurtured from his soul, continued to burn even brighter.

All that was left between them now was the piece of curtain. He yanked them to one side, and coming face to face with Tatsuya, he was suffused with the urge to embrace him. And so he did. He enfolded him into his arms, closing any distance that was between them, and he could feel it. This time, he wasn’t reminiscing the past or picturing a dream, this time it was real.

The slightest twinge went through Tatsuya’s shoulders, but he gradually relaxed and gave into Yuichi’s hold, and wrapped his arms around the other’s waist.

Tatsuya released a shaky, almost contented, breath. He buried his head in Yuichi’s shirt and against his chest he murmured, “Yuichi. I have something to tell you.”

Yuichi let go, but he held onto Tatsuya’s hands.

“I… I don’t think I love Jin. I never truly did. The one I love is…” he tightened the grip on Yuichi’s hands, “…you. It has always been you. When Jin found out about it, he left. He felt that it was what he should do. That night, when I cried and you hugged me, all I kept thinking was ‘Why? Why do I love you? Why is it that I can’t reciprocate Jin’s feelings? How did I come to love you so much?’”

His voice started to tremble and a tear escaped his eye. “Then I thought that maybe we were just not meant to be. So I wanted to start anew with you. I wanted to come to terms with my feelings, to accept them. But somehow, I got the feeling that you were pushing me away. My instincts told me that you love me too, but you seem afraid. And… I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Yuichi cupped Tatsuya’s cheek with one hand and quickly replied, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tatsuya. I should’ve known better. I thought that you were heart-broken from the break up, so I did what I thought was right. I didn’t want to hurt you, but in the end I was only thinking of myself. I’m so sorry.” He peered into Tatsuya’s eyes. They were like a pale, distant scene, assembled in an almost enigmatic way, but for the first time in a long time, Yuichi could see into them. They were no longer inane pools of swirling patterns, but instead the void was replaced with emotions. “I love you,” he said, and he could feel the weight of the world being lifted off his shoulders. “I really do.”

Tatsuya settled against him, hugging him once again. After some time he remarked, “You know, this somehow feels really cheesy.”

Yuichi chuckled. “I guess it does.”

Tatsuya suddenly perked up and Yuichi almost jerked back, surprised at the sudden movement. “I just remembered something,” he said. He flitted to the living room and went to the door. “Wait here!” he exclaimed as the door closed.

Yuichi was left with a question mark on his face. He waited there as instructed, and after 10 minutes had gone by, Tatsuya returned with balloons. Of course, Yuichi thought, it had to be balloons.

He grinned as he brought them out to the balcony and Yuichi continued to stare at him.

“Here,” he said as he handed Yuichi the strings that held the balloons.

Yuichi accepted them, but the look of bewilderment still hadn’t left his face. “What am I supposed to do with these?”

“Release them, of course!” Tatsuya countered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But that’d be such a waste! Didn’t you know that in some places people are not allowed to release balloons in a great number into the atmosphere?”

“There’re only 10 of them, don’t be such a worry-wart. Come on,” Tatsuya grabbed his hand, “We’ll let them go together,” he said with a smile.

Yuichi sighed, but eventually smiled. “Fine.”

When Tatsuya’s hand which was enclosed around his began to weaken its grip, he uncurled his fingers, and slowly, the strings slipped away.

He raised his face and gazed at the balloons as they floated higher and higher, becoming more distant, and the small flame in his heart flickered as a gentle breeze swept by, subtly brushing against his face. He closed his eyes and one by one, the images of his past flooded in, and his mind wondered from one memory to another. Some of them were pleasant, while others carried a trace of sadness. In that torrent of memories, Tatsuya emerged. Yuichi extended his hand, and he was able to touch him. He opened his eyes, and the memories were shorn off, but Tatsuya was still there, smiling at him.

He pulled him close and touched their foreheads together. Tatsuya tilted his head and leaned in to place a soft, warm kiss on his lips, and he fluttered his eyes shut to marvel at the delicate sensation. Behind his closed eyelids, he could see not his past, but his future, laid out in front of him.

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