[One-Shot] I'm Here
Title: I’m Here
Pairing: Maruda
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Do not own anybody, just the story.
Summary: Nakamaru is pleased that Ueda is single and Ueda drops hints which Nakamaru fails to notice.
A/N: It’s been ages since I had a weekend off and so I decided to write this this morning. I probably won’t be able to write anything in the next few weeks seeing that I have exams, so this is also kinda like a gift to myself. And to those who follow my multi-chaptered fic -- I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having it updated since aeons ago.
“It’s not that I hate you or anything.”
Ueda rested his elbows on the railing and stared into the distance, feeling the late morning breeze against his cheeks.
“But you’re not really what I’m looking for.”
Ueda sighed, then took out his cell phone.
“You’re not what I expected you to be. You lean on me and want me to spoil you, but that’s not really what I want in a guy.”
He went through his inbox, and deleted the contents one by one.
“You’re a great person and all, but I don’t think this is going to work. I’m sorry.”
He proceeded to erase a name and number from his contact list before pocketing his phone and continuing to look at the people and the vehicles on the busy streets below.
The door that connected the roof to the building opened and Ueda heard footsteps but he didn’t even bother to turn around.
“I knew I’d find you here,” Nakamaru said as he leaned casually against the fence beside Ueda.
“Leave me alone,” Ueda muttered.
“I thought you hate being left alone?” Nakamaru looked up at the vast, clear blue sky above them, hands in his pocket.
“Shut up. I’m not in the mood to talk.”
“Okay, what’s up?” Nakamaru swivelled around and rested his forearms on the railing, his eyes locked onto Ueda.
“Nothing’s up,” Ueda answered, avoiding Nakamaru’s eyes.
“And who exactly are you trying to fool?”
“You’re so annoying, Nakamaru.”
“Not as annoying as Taguchi. Now tell me what happened.”
Ueda buried half his face in his arms. “I was dumped,” his muffled words came out.
“Again?” Nakamaru bellowed in disbelief. Then he cleared his throat and took a moment before continuing. “This is what - the third time this year?”
“Are you actually keeping count of the girls I date?”
Nakamaru shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway, I knew that this girl wouldn’t be -”
“Okay, you can stop right there. I don’t want to hear any one of your ‘I told you so’ talks.”
Nakamaru immediately went quiet. He stared at Ueda who was gazing vacantly at the building in front of them, his shoulders hunched up dejectedly, his expression sullen.
“Does somebody need a hug?” Nakamaru suddenly piped up.
Ueda gave Nakamaru a pointed look. “I don’t want to be comforted by a guy,” he dead-panned.
Nakamaru threw his hands up in the air. “I was just kindly offering some consolation.”
“Well, thank you for your offer. It made me feel slightly better.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Just slightly. Not much difference actually.”
Ueda slanted a quick glance at Nakamaru but turned away again when he realized that Nakamaru was staring at him.
“You must be really unhappy about this, aren’t you?”
“That’s a stupid question. Of course I’m unhappy.” Ueda bit his tongue so that he wouldn’t continue with any unnecessary things. I’m unhappy because of various reasons, not just because I was dumped by a girl.
Nakamaru mumbled a sorry. They both fell silent for a while as they observed the hustle and bustle of life below them.
“I think we need to get back. Kame’s going to have a bitch fit if we’re late,” Nakamaru said.
“Then let him be. I don’t feel like working today,” Ueda replied grouchily.
Nakamaru let out a soft chuckle at the response.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, really. Are you sure you don’t need a hug? You seem so pouty.”
“Ugh, cut it out already,” Ueda punched Nakamaru’s arm and went back to his defeated posture.
“Ouch!” Nakamaru rubbed the spot where Ueda had hit, but some laughter still tinted the edges of his lips.
Ueda suddenly looked at Nakamaru with a contemplative expression. “I wonder if it’s just me, but you always seem pleased when I break up with someone.”
Nakamaru stared at him with his mouth slightly gaping. Then he snapped his head away, “What are you talking about? That’d be so mean of me, wouldn’t it?” he said without looking at Ueda.
“Like you aren’t capable of being mean,” Ueda nudged his ribs playfully.
Nakamaru retaliated by poking at Ueda’s side which made him squeal. He continued to try and tickle Ueda while the latter swatted his arms around to back him off.
“Stop it, you idiot!” Ueda exclaimed between laughs.
“No way,” Nakamaru said while grinning asininely.
The door opened with a loud thud and the both of them froze to look at Koki.
“What the hell are you two doing? We’ve been looking all over for you all morning. Kame is going to cut you,” Koki said with his arms crossed.
Ueda glanced at Nakamaru, then gave a small sigh. “Alright, alright. Tell the others we’ll be coming in a sec,” he regarded Koki curtly.
“Fine, then,” Koki turned around and left them.
As the door closed behind Koki, Nakamaru turned to face Ueda. “So… are you going to be okay?”
Ueda merely shrugged. “I guess so. It’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything. After a good night’s sleep, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” he gave a tiny, rueful smile.
Nakamaru smiled reassuringly at him. “Yeah well, if you ever get dumped again or need some comforting, I’ll always be around to offer you a hug.”
Ueda laughed. “What if I asked for a kiss instead?”
“Then I’d have to think about it,” Nakamaru replied as they walked towards the door.
“Ah come on, everyone knows that you can’t resist me,” Ueda said teasingly as he disappeared behind the door and down the stairwell.
“Yeah, I know that too,” Ueda heard Nakamaru say quietly. He pretended to not hear a word.
*~*~*~*
“Ueda seemed a little upset today,” Kamenashi said to Nakamaru when the others had left after a meeting.
Nakamaru gave a little nod. “He just broke up.”
Kamenashi was startled, but he hardly reacted beyond a slight widening of his eyes. “I see.” He darted a glance at Nakamaru before smirking. “You must be happy.”
Nakamaru choked on his water and Kamenashi laughed.
“Don’t even try to deny it. You’ve been smiling from ear to ear all day,” Kame added as he passed a tissue to Nakamaru.
Nakamaru wiped his mouth with the offered piece of tissue. “Was it that obvious?”
“Very.”
“Oh. I should be more careful then.”
“Hmm. Why is Ueda doing this anyway?” Kamenashi steered the topic away.
“Doing what?”
“This dating stuff. It’s getting a little out of control don’t you think?”
Nakamaru slumped back in his chair. “I don’t understand it either. It’s hard to know what he’s thinking.”
Kamenashi sneered. “This is killing you isn’t it”?
Nakamaru pulled a face. “It is,” he muttered.
Kamenashi then stared intently at him. “So how long are you going to keep it up?”
“Keep what up?”
“You know, pretending that you’re just friends with him. With Ueda.”
Nakamaru frowned a little. “I am friends with Ueda,” he pointed out.
“I know that, but you want to be more than friends don’t you?” Kamenashi fiddled with his bracelets as he said it.
“…I think I do,” Nakamaru said after a momentary silence.
“Then you better do something quick. Because at this rate, he’ll find himself a proper lady and you’ll never be able to get in his pants.”
Nakamaru groaned.
*~*~*~*
Ueda swung his legs over Nakamaru’s lap as he made himself more comfortable on the couch.
“Nakamaru. I’m bored,” he complained.
“Here, have some popcorn,” Nakamaru’s eyes were still glued to the television screen as he passed a bowl of popcorn to Ueda.
Ueda accepted the food though it didn’t stop him from complaining. “How can you watch this? There are lots of people dying. There’s a famine. No one has ever even really smiled in this movie,” he said through mouthfuls of popcorn.
“Ueda, they’re in a war. I don’t think they have the luxury to be happy.”
“Change the channel,” Ueda ordered.
“But I want to watch this,” Nakamaru simply retorted.
Ueda wriggled his legs around. “Change it,” he whined.
“Ueda, your legs are heavy.”
“Good. It’s all part of my master plan to get you to change the channel,” Ueda said as he continued to kick about his legs.
Nakamaru sighed and switched the channel.
“Yay,” Ueda beamed.
Nakamaru smiled and shook his head. “You’re impossible.”
They watched a variety show without any words exchanged between them.
“Nakamaru.” One word from Ueda stirred the atmosphere.
“Yeah?”
“Why haven’t you ever had any girlfriends ever since … ever since forever?”
Nakamaru’s eyebrows knitted together. “Why the sudden question?”
“I’m interested in the answer.”
“Well… there’s no special reason,” Nakamaru said as he tossed the remote control from one hand to the other.
“Really?”
“Come on, I’d never lie to you. You know everything about me; it’d be useless if I lied.”
Ueda went quiet, trying not to show his disappointment in Nakamaru’s answer. He then retracted his legs, stood up and stretched his arms over his head.
“I guess I’ll be leaving now,” he said as he put on his jacket.
Nakamaru glanced at his watch. “Already? It’s still early.”
Ueda raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you tired of seeing me all day long?” He didn’t wait for Nakamaru’s answer and went to the genkan to put on his shoes.
Nakamaru opened his mouth, then closed it again.
“Thanks for letting me crash here for the evening. It’s always nice to be around you,” Ueda smiled as he dropped a hint. “…Are you just going to sit there while I leave?” he added when Nakamaru still hadn’t moved.
“What? Oh yeah, sorry,” Nakamaru hurried to the front door and opened it for Ueda.
“Well, night,” Ueda gave a little wave and went through the door.
He was a few steps out of Nakamaru’s apartment when Nakamaru shouted at him. “Hey, Ueda! The reason why I haven’t had any girlfriends for a long time - it’s because I’m hopelessly in love with someone who can’t possibly love me back the same way.”
Ueda looked at Nakamaru over his shoulder, not sure of what to say, not sure of what to feel.
“Um, thanks for telling me. I, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he hastily turned around and walked away.
*~*~*~*
Nakamaru peered at Ueda from behind his book and refrained from scowling.
Ueda was having an animated conversation with someone on his phone. He had been doing so ever since they got back into the dressing room. When he finally clicked his phone shut, he threw Nakamaru a quick glance.
“Do you need anything from me?” he asked as he rummaged through his things.
“Not really. Why do you ask?” Nakamaru pretended to read his book.
“Well, you kept looking at me when I was talking on the phone,” Ueda answered distractedly.
“No I wasn’t. I was staring at the wall behind you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s a very attractive wall okay?”
Ueda took off his costume and looked at Nakamaru right in the eye.
“Hey, are you free tonight?”
Nakamaru gulped. “Uh… I might be.” He was trying his best to not have his eyes roam around Ueda’s toned muscles.
“Hmm. Well, if you don’t have any plans, want to come to my place for dinner?” Ueda said as he donned his t-shirt. “I have a bunch of leftovers.”
Nakamaru had to stop himself from jumping. “Yeah, that’d be cool,” he said as calmly as he could.
“So how’s your sister doing?” Nakamaru asked as Ueda unlocked the door to his apartment.
“She’s fine. She’s complaining a lot about how sore her feet are, but other than that, she’s doing great.” Ueda left Nakamaru to shut door while he shuffled into the kitchen.
“And what about you? You must be excited to be an uncle.” Nakamaru grinned at Ueda as he took a seat on one of the stools at the counter.
“Are you kidding me? I’m as excited as my parents!” Ueda answered happily as he took out some food and started to reheat them.
Nakamaru chuckled. “Glad to hear that.” He went quiet for a while. “It feels as if it was only yesterday that we attended your sister’s wedding and I had to help you stuff your car with all the leftovers from the reception.”
Ueda smiled against the memory. “Yeah. It makes me feel so old sometimes.”
“That makes both of us.”
“Anyway, the food’s almost ready. Set up the table will you-” Ueda’s phone rang and he briskly answered the call. Nakamaru guessed that it was the same person who called earlier that day. That person was probably a she. His expression turned sour.
Nakamaru felt a flash of jealousy searing his chest when Ueda laughed mirthfully during the phone call. He watched Ueda as he moved about in the kitchen, talking loudly and smiling joyfully, and he thought about the sort of faces Ueda made when it was just the two of them.
Ueda ended the call when he noticed that the food he was heating was starting to burn.
“Damn, this thing’s turned into charcoal,” he muttered as he threw it into the garbage. “Sorry about that. I’ll order some pizza. You weren’t looking forward to eating that were you?” he spun around to face Nakamaru.
“No. But I just remembered that I need to do something. It completely slipped my mind,” Nakamaru got off the stool and slipped his jacket and shoes back on.
“Wait a minute,” Ueda quickly went after Nakamaru. “I thought we’re going to have dinner together tonight. Where are you going off to?”
Nakamaru paused at the door. “You’re not the only one with female acquaintances, you know.” He couldn’t control the venom in his voice. He didn’t even know why he said such a thing. He mentally slapped himself and swung the door open.
Ueda caught Nakamaru’s hand before he went through the front door. “Tell me. Did I do something wrong?” He looked into Nakamaru’s unreadable eyes.
Nakamaru pulled his hand away. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then what is it?”
“Look, can we talk about this some other time?”
“No, we can’t. You’re all… mad about something.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. You’re the one that’s always saying how I know everything about you.”
“Well, you don’t.”
“What is it then that I don’t know?” Ueda demanded as he stepped forward provocatively.
Nakamaru suddenly grabbed Ueda’s face and lunged himself forward. Their teeth clashed as Nakamaru forced his lips onto Ueda’s.
After the initial shock had left, Ueda used all his force to push Nakamaru away. Nakamaru’s heart clenched at sight of Ueda’s apologetic expression.
“Nakamaru -”
Ueda’s words were cut off when Nakamaru cursed and let out a frustrated groan, and the only thing he could do was run out of Ueda’s apartment.
*~*~*~*
Icy silence gripped KAT-TUN’s dressing room that morning as Ueda and Nakamaru sat in opposite corners of the room, both growing agitated as to why the others still hadn’t arrived yet.
It had been a few days since their ‘fight’, Ueda noted, and they still hadn’t made up. This fight was not like the ones they had in the past. This was something that needed more effort to resolve. Ueda moaned internally.
He started tapping his foot as if he was getting impatient about something, and soon enough Nakamaru snapped.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?” Ueda returned.
“Doing that. Tapping your foot. It’s driving me insane.”
Ueda stopped tapping his foot. “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me,” he mumbled as he looked at the floor.
Nakamaru averted his eyes. “I don’t. It’s hard to look at you in the face.”
“Me too,” Ueda admitted.
Silence filled the room.
“Say something.”
Ueda stopped admiring the tiled floor and shot up a look at Nakamaru. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. Something. Anything.”
“Why should I?”
“Because,” Nakamaru tried to reason, “It feels weird. To not talk to you like how we normally do.”
“Why don’t you say something?”
“I am.”
“So this is my fault then?” Ueda crossed his arms over his chest.
“Where did that come from?” Nakamaru said exasperatedly.
“Oh please. Like I don’t know that you’re trying to do.”
“I don’t really know what you know about me trying to do something.”
“I know that you’re only pretending to not know that I know what you’re trying to do.”
“I’m getting confused.” Nakamaru massaged his temples.
“You’re trying to shift the guilt on me aren’t you?”
Nakamaru looked taken aback. “So what you’re saying is that the guilt is actually on me?”
“Yeah it is,” Ueda snapped back. He was on his feet.
Nakamaru strode across the room. “I’m not the one who’s giving false hope to somebody and then going about chasing girls and flipping skirts!”
“Oh, like you’ve never flipped skirts.”
The door opened and Koki came inside. “Morning y’all!”
“That’s not the point!” Nakamaru continued to shout.
“Then what is the point?” Ueda challenged.
Koki slowly backtracked out of the room.
“You’ve known about it haven’t you?” Nakamaru said.
“Known about what?” Ueda’s frown cut even deeper.
Taguchi arrived and looked confusedly at Koki who was shushing him.
“What is it?” Taguchi whispered.
“Mommy and daddy are fighting. Let’s get out of here for now.” Koki pulled Taguchi away from the room.
“You know that I -” Nakamaru stopped.
Ueda waited for him to continue.
Nakamaru didn’t. He just stood in the middle of the room, not saying anything.
“I know that you what?” Ueda pressed. Come on, just say it.
“You know. That I…” A pause. “That I - especially after that night - Oh my god, why did I even mention of that night?”
Nakamaru covered his face with his hands and mumbled unintelligibly. Ueda bit his lips and shuffled about on his feet a little, trying to ignore the heat rising on his cheeks.
“You mean the night where you kissed me? Was that supposed to be a hint?” Ueda purposely said it out loud.
Kamenashi stood still at the door in an awkward pose. “Uh… am I interrupting something?”
The blood in Ueda’s face froze and he regretted the volume of voice he used just now.
Koki popped his head into the room from behind the door and shook his head disappointedly. “Bad timing, Kame-chan.”
*~*~*~*
Nakamaru was instantly worried when Ueda came into his apartment that evening, looking like a zombie.
“Hey,” Ueda greeted grimly.
“Uh, hey.”
Nakamaru was unsure of what to say as they both stood at the entryway area.
“Um, are you okay?” he asked carefully. He still found it hard to talk to Ueda, but he completely forgot about all that, seeing the state Ueda was in.
Ueda was looking at the floor, motionless. Nakamaru reached out a hand, but quickly pulled it away when Ueda started to talk.
“Do you think I’ll ever find somebody who’ll accept me for who I am?”
Nakamaru’s eyebrows shot up.
Silence lapsed between them.
“I’m here,” Nakamaru said out eventually. “I- I’m here.” He repeated, trying not to stumble over his words.
Ueda lifted his eyes.
“You lean on me most of the time, and want me to spoil you, but that doesn’t really matter, because that’s just who you are. I can’t do anything but to just accept that part of you.” Nakamaru could feel the weight on his chest lessen little by little.
Ueda didn’t react.
“You don’t have to find that person, because… because I’m already here.” Nakamaru was glad that he was able to say it.
Ueda blinked, then looked down again, examining the carpet.
“I just broke up.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Ueda said weakly.
Nakamaru was quiet for a moment, but he decided that it would be better if he kept the conversation going. “Ueda, do you-”
“Can I get a hug?” Ueda looked at Nakamaru with plaintive eyes.
Nakamaru was speechless for a while, but when he extended his arms, and Ueda flung onto him, he never thought that it would make him feel so happy.
As Ueda buried his face in the crook of Nakamaru’s neck, he murmured, “Nakamaru, are you in love with me?”
Nakamaru wrapped his arms around Ueda and nodded. “I am. I always have been.”
*~*~*~*
Ueda threw punches and hopped from one foot to the other while Nakamaru sat on the couch, reading his textbook.
“Tatsuya, can I ask you a question?”
Ueda continued to jab some punches. “Only if I can choose to ignore it.”
“Right. So, um, I was thinking…”
“You’re always thinking about unnecessary things,” Ueda interjected.
“Right again. Anyway, as I was saying, I’ve been thinking about this, and I’d like to ask, how long have you known that I like you?”
Ueda stopped. Still breathing raggedly, he grabbed a towel and wiped his face.
“Well?” Nakamaru said.
“Why do you suddenly want to know?” Ueda asked instead.
“That’s unfair, I asked you a question first,” Nakamaru gave a little pout.
Ueda rolled his eyes. “Fine. It wasn’t long.”
“Wasn’t long? So you still hadn’t noticed anything when you were going out with all those girls?”
“Hmm, you can say that,” Ueda hoped his little lie wasn’t obvious to Nakamaru.
Nakamaru seemed satisfied though and he smiled brightly. “Okay. I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you tonight?” he closed his book and walked over to Ueda.
“Yeah. See you tonight,” Ueda felt himself smiling as Nakamaru gave him a peck on the cheek.
As soon as Nakamaru was out of the door, Ueda took out his cell phone and dialled a number.
“Kame. I thought you said that he would never suspect anything.”
“Why? Did he ask you about it?”
“He asked me if I had noticed his feelings prior to everything that happened,” Ueda plopped down onto the couch.
“Hmm, I don’t think he would ever find out that the real reason you went out with all those girls is so that you could distract yourself from your feelings towards him but you ended up realizing that he was the one for you instead.”
“Where exactly are you going with this?” Ueda said almost irritably.
"I'm getting there. I think his question was pretty harmless.”
A grin started to spread over Ueda’s lips. “You think so?”
“I know so.” Ueda could see Kamenashi smirking as he said that. “I am the guy who suggested you to fake your last break up so that you can be comforted by Nakamaru, you know. And see where that led you.”
Ueda laughed. “No need to rub it in. I already thanked you for that haven’t I?”
“Oh you already thanked me enough. It’s Nakamaru who hasn’t…”
“Now, now, Kame, don’t take it too far. He’s mine now, remember?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be subtle about it.”
“I’m taking that as a joke,” Ueda said offhandedly.
Kamenashi’s laughter crackled through the phone. “So, does this mean that you won’t be bouncing about dating girls anymore?”
Ueda smiled. “Nah, I think I’ll stick with this one. I’ve finally found him.” Ueda looked at the photo of him and Nakamaru from their teenage years that stood beside the lamp and his smile grew. “Or rather, I’ve… finally opened my eyes and seen that what I wanted have always been beside me.”
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