where love is more than just your name
Sometimes I sit here at night, when my defenses are low, and wonder when the good things in my life are going to come to an end. Because it sometimes just feels inevitable, ya know? Like I fight so hard and give up so much of myself to maintain something beautiful that makes me happy, and I can't help but just think that it's too good to be true and that it will eventually end. It's hard to have hope. I want to…I thrive on it. But good things always come to an end, don't they?
I sit here and I cry…I work so hard to follow my heart because I believe in fighting for what will make me happy. But it gets to be so hard…sometimes it's too much and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. When it comes to love, it's not just about me and my heart. There's someone else to consider and if you're like me, that person's heart is so much more important and then you're stuck second guessing what you're doing.
I'm a pretty firm believer in following your heart. The way life goes, with its brevity and its curveballs, it's imperative to be happy, to be true to yourself and fight for what you want.
I want to be happy. I want to be in love and I want to be with the person I'm in love with. It's not just some phase or passing fancy…it's real. I'm in it all the way and would do anything for her. Anything. I get that nowadays that phrase is pretty empty and meaningless, but I mean it with every ounce of sincerity within me.
The best way that I can describe it is that we've been put together in a completely dark room and are forced to find our way out. Sometimes we're standing still and can't move forward because we don't know where we're going, and other times I lose her hand and have to fumble around in the darkness without her. And sometimes it just seems like there's no way that we can make it out of this dark room together.
She's all I want. I just need to sustain the pain and the doubt and just hold on to what I know in my heart to be true.
I did my tarot cards tonight. The card that was drawn to symbolize my overall future with her? Eight of Cups: "if you are disillusioned with your life now, take heart, because the future promises to be brighter. Follow your heart and do what you truly desire."
That's all I can do.