how do you know she loves you?
I just put on some classical music so I could focus on writing this, and I can only hear the blast of guns in the next room and guitar downstairs. *headdesk*
Don't you love when your mood does a complete 180? It's like mental whiplash. Ugh. I feel like throwing up.
I was doing all wonderful and was all warm and fuzzy inside…I had an internet date last night that didn't end until 715 this morning and it was wonderful. Completely amazing. I'm still beaming…this girl…she's amazing. I can't even begin to comprehend how much better my life is now that she's in it. *happy sigh* I have butterflies! It's so complicated but none of it seems to matter when I go to bed with a smile on my face and wake up with it still there. She….she means everything to me. I'd give her the stars if I could.
Wow. Even now I'm grinning like an idiot.
So I slept until 2, which was lovely, and then got up and did my afternoon things and whatnot. Nothing special there.
Then I got into another little tiff with Miss Shannon, which led me to admit that I'm not completely 100% over that whole relationship. Am I in love with her? No. Do I want to be with her? Absolutely not. Does it make me jealous to the point of nausea that she is interested in other women? Yes. Does it still bother me that things ended the way they did? Yes. It has to mean that I'm not over it, right? I can't figure out what else it would be and maybe admitting it will make it go away. It's just confusing. It's a pain in the ass. I'm ready for that chapter to close and ready (hoping) for a new one will begin.
I feel fine about that - that's all whatever. Immediately following that conversation, I decided to see what I was looking at for bills this month. After freaking out a little bit about how much I owe, I went to look at my bank account and see how much I owed.
*iz ded*
I almost had a panic attack. I had to sit with my head between my knees and try to breathe. I wanted to throw up. I have much less than I thought I did. Like, much less. If my bills for next month match the bills for this month, I won't have enough to get by. That is *terrifying* to me.
My grandmother gave me $5000 for a graduation gift. And less than a year later, it's almost gone. Where the hell did that money go? Besides the standard bills (phone, car insurance, school loans), I've had to pay to fix my car…I paid for a plane ticket to Albion to interview for a job that I didn't get…I paid for a plane ticket to Chicago for four days over the summer to revive a relationship that had no hope of being saved…therapy that at times didn't do anything for me…endless medical bills for ailments that were entirely anxiety related…a trip to St. Thomas…various other needs/wants. And now it's almost gone.
I've always been so good with money. I've always had a safety net, just in case. And the prospect of it all going away just like that is so scary.
My aunt is going to help me try to combine all of my college bills and see if I can lower my payments, so that will help. I'm going to change my health insurance…I have to. I can't afford the one I have. So, I'll go on the cheaper/almost free one that's for poor folks and just not go to the doctor anymore. My PCP isn't covered on that insurance, but what can I do? Continue to piss away 200 bucks a month? That unfortunately means I probably won't be able to get my anti-depressants anymore…I'd better get on that and see if I can work on another three months supply, because I don't think I'm ready to quit those.
I've been looking at jobs again…I made myself apply to at least one job before I allowed myself do anything even remotely enjoyable. It's my self-protective habit to hide when things get too hard. I throw myself into distractions and shut away the rest of the world. Unfortunately, hiding isn't getting my bills paid. I looked at one job search site and found a receptionist position at a day spa in Northampton and I called on that and submitted a resume. That can't completely suck, right? Maybe? I don't know. Reception seems semi-appealing in comparison to somewhere that sells food, which I flat out refuse to do. Then again, I'd probably sell myself on the street corner to have the chance to work in a town like Northampton, so I can't be that choosy.
Ugh. *repeated headdesk* Why does everything have to be so damn complicated?