i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Imagine, if you can, being in love with someone. Imagine that this person is someone you know to be wrong for you, to be your complete opposite. This person's weaknesses have hurt you beyond measure and yet, for all intents and purposes, this is still the person with whom you are painstakingly in love. You go to bed at night, still feeling like something is wrong about being the only one in your bed. You wake up in the morning wondering how they are doing, how they slept, if they are happy.
But, this person broke your heart. Imagine crying every day because things fell apart and because this person still continues to make you feel like a failure because of what you were incapable of doing to salvage the relationship. Imagine looking at the scars on your body and the invisible one on your heart and wondering if you'll ever be whole again. Look at everyday things and be reminded of this person; see her face everywhere you go. Know, without a doubt, that no matter how wrong she is for you, you still love her with everything you are.
Now, imagine that this person loves someone else. That they've made love to someone else, that they've made promises and plans for a future with someone else…all while still admitting to be in love with you. Do you feel that intense pain in your chest, knowing that someone who promised to love you, and who still has those feeling for you, is also promising that to someone else?
You move on, you get on with your life. You develop crushes on other women and you brighten when you talk to them…but deep down, she's etched on your heart. There's a void. You try to fill it by becoming her friend again. This comes at a great personal cost to you, because you'll be reminded every second of every day why you still love her. You'll hate the world for the injustice of it all and you'll wish, more than anything, that the pain could just stop for even a few minutes so you can breathe.
Imagine signing onto Facebook. You've unfriended her because seeing pictures of the two of them together for the first time sent you into a horrible breakdown that left you unable to wear a bathing suit because of the scars. You didn't go looking for these images. You signed on and, because you have over 80 mutual acquaintances, you saw via Facebook's news feed/stalker feed that she wrote on someone's wall, and you see the picture there. Or, she sends you a Facebook message while she has that image up, and you can't help it. It's there. You didn't look for it. She has every right to display her new soulmate of the moment, but it does nothing to change the fact that her displaying her new love kills you. It tears you down and makes you feel worthless and ugly. You can't shake it. It's been a long time since you've felt pretty or worthwhile for more than a fleeting moment.
And…imagine that she finally wants to gather the courage to come out to mom and dad and introduce her girlfriend to the family. Imagine how it feels to not be the one that made her want to do that. Try, really try, to remember how much time you put into developing relationships with her parents, how you genuinely care about them, and to know that you'll forever be the secret that they won't know. You'll just be the quiet friend with the unmatching socks.
All the time, all the love, all the tears…it's all pointless. And no matter how badly she hurts you, and how much pain you're in, you still love her, and you always will.
That's my life, every second of the day. It's not easy. I refuse to apologize for it physically killing me not to be the one that she wants.