This is what I do on my lunch breaks.
MARVEL'S THE AVENGERS STARRING IN "HARD TIMES FOR HAWKEYE."
(SCENE: The Avengers all riding in the Quint Jet, en route to the latest crisis where they are needed.)
HAWKEYE: I'd better take one of my sleeping pills so I can be rested for my next mission. Now where did I put them?
LOKI: Hey ya go, bro. (Offers Hawkeye magical Viagra disguised as a sleeping pill.)
HAWKEYE: Thanks man. (pops pill.) Hey wait, don't I know you? Wait... Wha? Oh! Oh God! OH NO! OH GOD! (Hawkeye writhes as his erection breaks free and grows to a frightening size.)
CAPTAIN ROGERS: What the?
BLACK WIDOW: CLINT!
LOKI: You have heart! And seriously, that's very important because Viagra can be very dangerous to people with a heart condition. (LOKI disappears.)
HAWKEYE: OW! AHH! HELP!
THOR: FOR SOOTH! LOKI HATH SUMMONED THE DREADED MIDGARD SERPENT JORMUNGANDR! REMAIN STILL, EYE OF HAWK, AND I SHALL FREE THEE FROM ITS CLUTCHES WITH MINE HAMMER!
HAWKEYE: No! No hammer! Nononono!
JARIVS: (To TONY STARK) Erection now functioning at 400% capacity, sir.
STARK: Interesting. Jarvis, do you remember the story of Jonah?
JARVIS: I don't see what that has to do with Agent Barton's penis, sir.
STARK: Well the whale swallowed... Actually Jarvis, I have no idea where I'm going with this so never mind.
CAPTAIN ROGERS: We just need to put some ice on it. Trust me, I was frozen for 60 years and I'm still trying to wake up down there.
STARK: You were never awake down there to begin with.
CAPTAIN ROGERS: Well excuse me for trying to embody virtuous American values!
THOR: BANNER! THOU ART A CHIRUGEON AND A DOCTOR OF PHYSIC! WHAT DOST THOU RECOMMEND?
BANNER: Well *cough ahem* there is a, um, obvious medical solution we're all, um, sort of overlooking here.
(Silence as all the men slowly turn to look at BLACK WIDOW.)
BLACK WIDOW: What? No... Oh HELL NO!
STARK: Wait! According to my scans Barton's beef stick is channeling massive amounts of energy. Inserting a dong with that much power into a woman will cause a dimensional tear. It'll let the Chituri army right through.
BANNER: That musta been Loki's plan all along!
THOR: CURSE MY EVIL PHALLUS-OBSESSED BROTHER!
HAWKEYE: (Slowly rotating under his cock's massive weight) Ow! Help!
BANNER: Well we have to do something. He's not gonna hold out much longer.
STARK: I thought you were gonna say he can't get much longer.
BANNER: That too.
CAPTAIN ROGERS: What about aversion therapy? Back when I was in the army it was all the rage.
BANNER: Um, aversion therapy isn't actually uh, politically correct anymore.
STARK: No, we might have something here. According to my data, a heterosexual man is 76.4% less likely to achieve or maintain sexual arousal when surrounded only by other naked men. Avengers, you know what we have to do.
THOR: MAN OF IRON, DOST THOU SUGGEST THAT WE FREE OUR OWN BEASTS IN THE HOPE THAT THE SIGHT OF THEM WILL SUBDUE THE EYE OF HAWK'S OWN? I COMMEND THIS VALOROUS PLAN!
CAPTAIN ROGERS: It's so crazy it just might work. Agent Romanoff, for your own safety and that of others I'm going to have to ask you to retreat to... Oh, she already left.
STARK: Ready? On my signal gentlemen. One... Two... Three!
CAPTAIN ROGERS: *zip*
BANNER: *zip*
THOR: *ZIP*
STARK: *CLANK*
(Everyone just stands around quietly for a moment, letting their dicks hang out.)
CAPTAIN ROGERS: Does anyone else have a sudden urge to sing marching songs?
STARK: Hey Banner, think fast! (BANNER yelps as STARK flashes a holoscreen of pornography in front of him.) Wow, you really have got that thing under control.
THOR: YOU MORTALS ARE ALL SO PETTY! AND TINY...
HAWKEYE: Guys, I think it's working! Yeah, it's going down... Ahh, that's better.
THOR: WE ARE VICTORIOUS! HEP HEP HUZZAH!
BANNER: Better leave 'em out guys, just until we're sure the drug is out of his system.
STARK: After that I say we celebrate with some decidedly non-erotic shwarma!
JARVIS: Actually sir, shwarma contains tomato which is proven to have a rejuvenating effect on the male prostate, and cucumber which some consider an aphrodisiac.
(The celebration is interrupted by BLACK WIDOW who comes rushing back in, followed by NICK FURY.)
BLACK WIDOW: They're in here, Director Fury! You're not going to believe what they're doing!
(A long, awkward silence ensues as NICK FURY quietly takes in the sight of all the Avengers standing around with their dicks out. Without saying a word, NICK FURY calmly puts on a parachute and opens the Quint Jet's emergency exit.)
BLACK WIDOW: Director Fury, wh- what are you doing, sir?
NICK FURY: I HAVE HAD IT WITH SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE! (Bails out.)
THE END.
This was script was inspired by the recent hijinks of actor Jeremy Renner, who plays Hawkeye, who while on a flight from London to Los Angeles accidentally took Viagra when he meant to take Ambien. Enjoy!