I'm Sorry To Anyone Who's Been Bored...
But I'm only going to continue to be boring and repetitive right now.
I'm still going through hell, and it's only going to get worse. Why? Because I'm currently forced to destroy myself. How? Oh, by throwing away one of the best things that has come to me in a long time.
But oh, why would I do such a thing? I've gotten a lot of third party opinions from people that I trust. And the way that it boiled down is sort of simpley. One person in particular really put it in perspective, but I want to really thank everyone who I've talked to at all about it. It really helps.
Basically, the way it boils down is that it's a choice between these two options: Stay with her and live with the fear that it might happen again, or just end it now and save myself from the possibility. Now, from earlier in this, you should be able to tell the one I'm leaning towards. Only leaning right now though becuase I'm not sure if I'm right about this.
Why do I do this one? Well, the entire time thus far, I've always had that voice in the back of my head going "she might" and "you don't know for sure" and lots of odd things. Now, if I would stay with her, this voice you be a constant screaming demon. And another large part is the fact that sooner than later, she'll be leaving to go to New Orleans. And believe me, it's going to take a long time to earn trust back. I'm not sure if there'd be time before then...
(I'm really glad that typing is sort of sterile, because my face wouldn't make it through saying any of this...)
In case you are reading this, but don't know me very well (which would be odd), I'm not what you'd call easily trusting of other people. Now, my friends, I'd trust them with my life. But it takes a time to be my friend. As of this moment, I'd say that I have less than ten friends. But I'm not sure. I might be forgetting people. But as hard as it could be to be my friend, it's even harder to be more than that. There's been one in my entire life. And that's why it twists me up inside like this. It's like I've screwed up in something and made all this happen. I keep replaying scenes over and over and don't know any way to fix it...I can't think of a way to make it all better either.
I don't think I could continue the relationship because every single time I think about what happened, I don't respond well, from just general sadness to physical illness.
And every time I think of her, I end up thinking about it...I can't help it. It just happens. Why? The overall pressingness of the issue doesn't help. Maybe it's also a hit to the pride I thought I didn't have. I think a bit of it comes from that I don't know what the real case is...Did she like the girl in a manner of more than friends and just not care about me for that moment, or did she just give in to lust because she's weak willed? I really don't think I want to know because either way it's bad. The first means that she can't fully love me since I know that since I've been going out with her, I haven't even allowed myself to be open to knowing who I might be compatible with in that manner. The second means that there's more of a chance of it happening again.
I hate it all. With more hate than I thought my own self capable of. Which is I think why I get sick. That's what pure hate feels like, I think. And it tastes like vomit.
And the part that hurts most is that if I end it, I'll be killing myself in the process. I can't help but love her. I really, really want to just be able to shut it off and move on, but I can't.
Everything still reminds me of her. The small things that she's forgotten over here, right next to my stuff. Her pictures that litter my floor and wall. Just being alive in general reminds me of her somehow. I don't know of a song offhand that I haven't associated with her at some point.
And now, she wants me to not worry about her when I decide what I'm going to do. But how can I not? Worring about her is worring about myself. If she's happy, then I'll be happy. That's how it always worked.
I realized my dislike for the phone all over again tonight. From my wording, she learned my planned course of action and started to cry. And what could I do? Nothing. I'm no good with words, especially when I have to speak them, so there was no way for me to comfort her.
I want to become numb again so much...Well, I don't know. I don't really want that, but I hate feeling like this right now. I just want it all to be over.
Oh, and I've had offers to do very bad things to her or the other girl, and as nice as the offers were, I had to decline them...I don't want anyone to change towards her. I want her to keep friends. I want her to be happy. No matter how this ends.
What I really, really want right now, is to stay with her and have the trust back. But I don't know how...
Heh, for a long time I had thought that I had forgotten how to cry...
I've remembered.
Right now, I'm probably going to misuse a song, but the only thing that I can find to come close to expressing what I feel right now is this song.
A Perfect Circle - Thomas
Humble and helpless
Learning to pray
Praying for visions
to Show me the way
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
I'm just praying for you to show me
Where I'm to begin
Hoping to
Hoping to reconnect to you...
Oh, and in case you were a bit worried about this, I'm not this down in person at the moment...
And I'm going to go now because I can't take thinking about it more right now.
Later.
I'm still going through hell, and it's only going to get worse. Why? Because I'm currently forced to destroy myself. How? Oh, by throwing away one of the best things that has come to me in a long time.
But oh, why would I do such a thing? I've gotten a lot of third party opinions from people that I trust. And the way that it boiled down is sort of simpley. One person in particular really put it in perspective, but I want to really thank everyone who I've talked to at all about it. It really helps.
Basically, the way it boils down is that it's a choice between these two options: Stay with her and live with the fear that it might happen again, or just end it now and save myself from the possibility. Now, from earlier in this, you should be able to tell the one I'm leaning towards. Only leaning right now though becuase I'm not sure if I'm right about this.
Why do I do this one? Well, the entire time thus far, I've always had that voice in the back of my head going "she might" and "you don't know for sure" and lots of odd things. Now, if I would stay with her, this voice you be a constant screaming demon. And another large part is the fact that sooner than later, she'll be leaving to go to New Orleans. And believe me, it's going to take a long time to earn trust back. I'm not sure if there'd be time before then...
(I'm really glad that typing is sort of sterile, because my face wouldn't make it through saying any of this...)
In case you are reading this, but don't know me very well (which would be odd), I'm not what you'd call easily trusting of other people. Now, my friends, I'd trust them with my life. But it takes a time to be my friend. As of this moment, I'd say that I have less than ten friends. But I'm not sure. I might be forgetting people. But as hard as it could be to be my friend, it's even harder to be more than that. There's been one in my entire life. And that's why it twists me up inside like this. It's like I've screwed up in something and made all this happen. I keep replaying scenes over and over and don't know any way to fix it...I can't think of a way to make it all better either.
I don't think I could continue the relationship because every single time I think about what happened, I don't respond well, from just general sadness to physical illness.
And every time I think of her, I end up thinking about it...I can't help it. It just happens. Why? The overall pressingness of the issue doesn't help. Maybe it's also a hit to the pride I thought I didn't have. I think a bit of it comes from that I don't know what the real case is...Did she like the girl in a manner of more than friends and just not care about me for that moment, or did she just give in to lust because she's weak willed? I really don't think I want to know because either way it's bad. The first means that she can't fully love me since I know that since I've been going out with her, I haven't even allowed myself to be open to knowing who I might be compatible with in that manner. The second means that there's more of a chance of it happening again.
I hate it all. With more hate than I thought my own self capable of. Which is I think why I get sick. That's what pure hate feels like, I think. And it tastes like vomit.
And the part that hurts most is that if I end it, I'll be killing myself in the process. I can't help but love her. I really, really want to just be able to shut it off and move on, but I can't.
Everything still reminds me of her. The small things that she's forgotten over here, right next to my stuff. Her pictures that litter my floor and wall. Just being alive in general reminds me of her somehow. I don't know of a song offhand that I haven't associated with her at some point.
And now, she wants me to not worry about her when I decide what I'm going to do. But how can I not? Worring about her is worring about myself. If she's happy, then I'll be happy. That's how it always worked.
I realized my dislike for the phone all over again tonight. From my wording, she learned my planned course of action and started to cry. And what could I do? Nothing. I'm no good with words, especially when I have to speak them, so there was no way for me to comfort her.
I want to become numb again so much...Well, I don't know. I don't really want that, but I hate feeling like this right now. I just want it all to be over.
Oh, and I've had offers to do very bad things to her or the other girl, and as nice as the offers were, I had to decline them...I don't want anyone to change towards her. I want her to keep friends. I want her to be happy. No matter how this ends.
What I really, really want right now, is to stay with her and have the trust back. But I don't know how...
Heh, for a long time I had thought that I had forgotten how to cry...
I've remembered.
Right now, I'm probably going to misuse a song, but the only thing that I can find to come close to expressing what I feel right now is this song.
A Perfect Circle - Thomas
Humble and helpless
Learning to pray
Praying for visions
to Show me the way
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
Show me the way to let go
Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
Illuminate me,
I'm just praying for you to show me
Where I'm to begin
Hoping to
Hoping to reconnect to you...
Oh, and in case you were a bit worried about this, I'm not this down in person at the moment...
And I'm going to go now because I can't take thinking about it more right now.
Later.