things and stuff
this saturday was the first class in the CIW course. things are.... a little different from expected. i won't bore anyone with details, but essentially *i* will be teaching myself the CIW from the books, and *they* will teach the programs. more of less. tossing in real-world experience as well, which is very good, but i am a little disappointed they aren't doing the CIW material. you know what though? maybe it isn't a huge deal. i mean, practical knowledge might be more helpful on the test. yeah? sure, why not.
RAAAAAAWR.
beastly yawn, that. ahaha. L is coming to visit R (and me by default i suppose?) ((and Mo perhaps as well.)) i think it has the potential for fun... i am actually looking forward to it in some ways. L seems quite interesting. mainly i just wonder about personality clashage or any of us having our issues poleax us. by us, i suppose i mainly mean myself... i can integrate with people quite well, but it falls apart when i feel i am making much more than half the effort. i am such a stickler on equality (of feelings, interest, etc, etc) that it often makes things difficult (i.e. annoying). it works that way for all of my people interactions, friends, acquaintances, relationships, the 9. i am rambling. ah well, i will continue for a moment. one of the things i pictured during the visit was a time in which we all flee to separate corners of the apartment, in desperate need of time to ourselves. (we all like alone time). and i laughed with R about that and wondered if we have enough rooms. jesting aside. i'm sure it'll all be fine. we just have to figure out what stuff to do. this city is not exactly a hub of excitement or culture. i am thinking i will hang out with my brother and people sat night (after class down there) and sun that week so L can catch up with R that first day.
manga studio 4
is out, on my computer and, consequently, running in the background. it is quite different than MS3 at first glance, and i am still trying to fumble my way around. i need to get up and running though, or i will never get this death note doujin out. (85 pages now! 0_x and i have reached some xxx action.) it has come out very well and i am seeing myself improve in leaps and bounds on this project. after i ink and tone this thing, i am going to work on submittals. i'll try for one of the yaoi or yuri anthology publishers first, but i want to do a longer piece soon (the anthology would give me maybe 20 pages or so). i keep wondering if i am going to torture myself and illustrate R's entire DN fic... i am thinking the masochistic side of me is saying yeeeeeeessssssssss. i am halfway through chapter two atm, so you can imagine how many pages it would be to do over 6 chapters. 0__________0 i quake in my boots.
noooes
i am becoming more of a hermit every day. all i have to do to reinforce it is to look around and see what people are capable of.
the thing yesterday was a prime example. i won't do details, as i have learned i can't know who is reading, but damn. that was a long time and a lot of effort for something like that. i suspected a while ago, but i was iffy on the motivation. anyway, not important. just that it validates what i have been saying about people - that you never truly know what you are dealing with. you never truly have a way of divining who you should trust, who it is safe to trust, who is honest, and who is trying to work some angle. that girl on facebook was a great example. childhood friend, yes. one of the people most out to get my blood, yes. funny how that works. people find it acceptable to befriend you (for YEEEEARS) and then hate you for having something they don't, or being something they aren't.
i just want a group of people with me that want to band together against the harshness of the world, but noooo. these types can't bear it. they need to DESTROY. is it a matter of boredom perhaps? maybe. but it is inexcusable. they hold no alliances, and trickery is what they exist for. it makes me sick.
until people come along that can PROVE to me that they are authentic, i fear i have no way back into the realm of humans. my systems have shut down in the face of an army of disappointments, and positive thinking changes nothing. it can't make gears turn. only a solid connection could accomplish that, and i'm sure it would be too much effort for anyone to put forth. time is what convinces me. time, in this land of mayfly attachments. time is the only currency.
-----------------------------------------
my apologies to anyone who feels i have abandoned them due to my neglect of LJ...
it is certainly the furthest thing from my intent. it is a direct result of being jaded. a large part of me is convinced that any time i put in will only amplify a nasty conclusion because i will stress and angst over the 'unattainable concept of friendship' when things fail. and i cannot afford such an investment when i am bled dry. my system is literally rejecting anything that would put me in such a situation. connecting to people, empathizing like i would typically do, pains me. i can't put myself into anything right now. intellectually, yes. but emotions, and caring to the extent you can feel it, i cannot. i have to reserve that. i have to protect myself. (it used to come initially, by default i cared, but now it has to be earned, and comes with time.)
i want to trust in people. i really do. but i have seen so many benign faces that hide malicious intent, that only time and effort really reach me. those out for destruction usually like minimal efforts with big payoffs. those who play along with minor interest will fade away with time. time seems the only safe haven. not a guarantee, but something that poses a slightly better rate of success.
in short, i am trying to repair myself but the process is slow. for now, this is all i have. email or pm me, if you would like. i am around in that sense.
-----------------------------------------
still with me? you must be a masochist bent on ruining your eyes with lots o little pixels of word DOOM. i like that in a person. i would pet your skull and feed you skittles. or... mint leaves. whichever you prefer. although, i do appear to be out of 'taste the rainbow' atm, so might i offer you a trip down memory lane with a turn on my ancient SEGA GENESIS? we hooked it up last night. i would recommend "ToeJam and Earl". it is a classic. or "Sonic the Hedgehog". i do recall when it first came out, and the graphics were astounding. HA. HAhaHA! 16-bit glory.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MANGA READS WORTH MENTIONING:
(yaoi. although vassalord is technically not. but sort of really goes that way.)
1. Breath - (this was one of the best xxx i've read. like, WOW. engaging story, well drawn, interesting, real-feeling characters, great dialog, hot XXX. thoroughly impressed.) 2. Tricky Prince - (amazing paneling, FUNNY, interesting characters. (the prince is a riot) and very nice mild xxx. it is a shame there was not full xxx, but i would rather have a well done story, to the exclusion of xxx. this is a top-10. i lol'd through much of it.) 3. Vassalord - (i just had to re-pimp this. AMAZING. excellent story, excellent characters, jaw-dropping art, and it's HOT.)
for non-yaoi peeps... Parasyte. fantastic story, consistent art, multi-volume goodness.
RAAAAAAWR.
beastly yawn, that. ahaha. L is coming to visit R (and me by default i suppose?) ((and Mo perhaps as well.)) i think it has the potential for fun... i am actually looking forward to it in some ways. L seems quite interesting. mainly i just wonder about personality clashage or any of us having our issues poleax us. by us, i suppose i mainly mean myself... i can integrate with people quite well, but it falls apart when i feel i am making much more than half the effort. i am such a stickler on equality (of feelings, interest, etc, etc) that it often makes things difficult (i.e. annoying). it works that way for all of my people interactions, friends, acquaintances, relationships, the 9. i am rambling. ah well, i will continue for a moment. one of the things i pictured during the visit was a time in which we all flee to separate corners of the apartment, in desperate need of time to ourselves. (we all like alone time). and i laughed with R about that and wondered if we have enough rooms. jesting aside. i'm sure it'll all be fine. we just have to figure out what stuff to do. this city is not exactly a hub of excitement or culture. i am thinking i will hang out with my brother and people sat night (after class down there) and sun that week so L can catch up with R that first day.
manga studio 4
is out, on my computer and, consequently, running in the background. it is quite different than MS3 at first glance, and i am still trying to fumble my way around. i need to get up and running though, or i will never get this death note doujin out. (85 pages now! 0_x and i have reached some xxx action.) it has come out very well and i am seeing myself improve in leaps and bounds on this project. after i ink and tone this thing, i am going to work on submittals. i'll try for one of the yaoi or yuri anthology publishers first, but i want to do a longer piece soon (the anthology would give me maybe 20 pages or so). i keep wondering if i am going to torture myself and illustrate R's entire DN fic... i am thinking the masochistic side of me is saying yeeeeeeessssssssss. i am halfway through chapter two atm, so you can imagine how many pages it would be to do over 6 chapters. 0__________0 i quake in my boots.
noooes
i am becoming more of a hermit every day. all i have to do to reinforce it is to look around and see what people are capable of.
the thing yesterday was a prime example. i won't do details, as i have learned i can't know who is reading, but damn. that was a long time and a lot of effort for something like that. i suspected a while ago, but i was iffy on the motivation. anyway, not important. just that it validates what i have been saying about people - that you never truly know what you are dealing with. you never truly have a way of divining who you should trust, who it is safe to trust, who is honest, and who is trying to work some angle. that girl on facebook was a great example. childhood friend, yes. one of the people most out to get my blood, yes. funny how that works. people find it acceptable to befriend you (for YEEEEARS) and then hate you for having something they don't, or being something they aren't.
i just want a group of people with me that want to band together against the harshness of the world, but noooo. these types can't bear it. they need to DESTROY. is it a matter of boredom perhaps? maybe. but it is inexcusable. they hold no alliances, and trickery is what they exist for. it makes me sick.
until people come along that can PROVE to me that they are authentic, i fear i have no way back into the realm of humans. my systems have shut down in the face of an army of disappointments, and positive thinking changes nothing. it can't make gears turn. only a solid connection could accomplish that, and i'm sure it would be too much effort for anyone to put forth. time is what convinces me. time, in this land of mayfly attachments. time is the only currency.
-----------------------------------------
my apologies to anyone who feels i have abandoned them due to my neglect of LJ...
it is certainly the furthest thing from my intent. it is a direct result of being jaded. a large part of me is convinced that any time i put in will only amplify a nasty conclusion because i will stress and angst over the 'unattainable concept of friendship' when things fail. and i cannot afford such an investment when i am bled dry. my system is literally rejecting anything that would put me in such a situation. connecting to people, empathizing like i would typically do, pains me. i can't put myself into anything right now. intellectually, yes. but emotions, and caring to the extent you can feel it, i cannot. i have to reserve that. i have to protect myself. (it used to come initially, by default i cared, but now it has to be earned, and comes with time.)
i want to trust in people. i really do. but i have seen so many benign faces that hide malicious intent, that only time and effort really reach me. those out for destruction usually like minimal efforts with big payoffs. those who play along with minor interest will fade away with time. time seems the only safe haven. not a guarantee, but something that poses a slightly better rate of success.
in short, i am trying to repair myself but the process is slow. for now, this is all i have. email or pm me, if you would like. i am around in that sense.
-----------------------------------------
still with me? you must be a masochist bent on ruining your eyes with lots o little pixels of word DOOM. i like that in a person. i would pet your skull and feed you skittles. or... mint leaves. whichever you prefer. although, i do appear to be out of 'taste the rainbow' atm, so might i offer you a trip down memory lane with a turn on my ancient SEGA GENESIS? we hooked it up last night. i would recommend "ToeJam and Earl". it is a classic. or "Sonic the Hedgehog". i do recall when it first came out, and the graphics were astounding. HA. HAhaHA! 16-bit glory.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MANGA READS WORTH MENTIONING:
(yaoi. although vassalord is technically not. but sort of really goes that way.)
1. Breath - (this was one of the best xxx i've read. like, WOW. engaging story, well drawn, interesting, real-feeling characters, great dialog, hot XXX. thoroughly impressed.) 2. Tricky Prince - (amazing paneling, FUNNY, interesting characters. (the prince is a riot) and very nice mild xxx. it is a shame there was not full xxx, but i would rather have a well done story, to the exclusion of xxx. this is a top-10. i lol'd through much of it.) 3. Vassalord - (i just had to re-pimp this. AMAZING. excellent story, excellent characters, jaw-dropping art, and it's HOT.)
for non-yaoi peeps... Parasyte. fantastic story, consistent art, multi-volume goodness.