I just don't have the words for the level of *facepalm*ing necessary
My mom is special. Like, window-licking fart-sniffing special. She has random moments of lucidity, but then she generally wakes up and inflicts her actions and/or thoughts on those innocent unsuspecting people around her. Granted, I and my family are neither innocent nor unsuspecting, yet we are still inflicted...and honestly, by this point in our lives, you'd THINK we'd seen or heard it all from this woman, yet she just has to go and raise the bar yet again.
My mom has two labs. DJ, a giagantic brown mamoth of a dog. If we didn't have his papers, we'd swear he was part horse. Biggest lab I have ever seen and we've raised labs my entire life. The female, Kali (golden) is in heat. Mom wants puppies and DJ and Kali are more than willing to oblige. Problem is that DJ towers over Kali and just can't seem to get it lined up. Imagine a dude standing 6' trying to go at it from behind with a gal of 5'3", and he won't bend his knees....now you have an idea of the problem here. And if that was too "visual" for you, then just stop reading now.
DJ has been used for his stud services, and he helps make some beautiful litters of puppies. Last female to partake in his services had a similar size issue. He owners had a brilliant idea. In the play area at my moms house is a swing set. As with most swing sets, there are holes in the ground below the swings where years of kids feet passing have erroded it. The solution was to have DJ stand in the dip and have the female back into him, putting them on equal ground. Worked like a charm.
I explained this process to my mom now that she's decided Kali ready for her litter but apparently all my moms selective hearing heard was "they used the swing set to back up the female". My mom proceeds to retell me her story while I was standing in the kitchen, drinking some water. I think I peed my pants and busted a blood vessle in my head laughing so hard.
Mom takes Kali out to the play area and throws her over the swing so her hind legs are not touching the ground. She then fetches DJ and bring him behind her. Apparently, the motion of the swing was a bit too much for the dogs to handle, so my mom decides to lend a helping hand, so to speak. She hold onto the chains of the swing, and repeatedly thrusts her own thighs/hips into the back of DJ all the while encouraging them both with words of "Come on boy, you can do it" and "Thatta girl, you're going great".
Yeah, let that image sink into your head. Dog hung over swing, another dog mounting it and my mom essentially air-humping that dog, all while cooing at them.
Now. Imagine you are the non-english speaking migrant workers in the orchard 20 yards away. :-)
*giggles profusely* I think I just peed again.