Thoughts of Strength
I have this friend, or a few actually, whether virtual or not who seem to be having a hard time as of late. Or, at least they are somewhat talking about it now, sharing. And despite who these friends are, no matter how close (physically or emotionally), I find myself internalizing their fears, hopes, dreams, sadness, etc. I make it all about me....because well, all joking aside, it really is all about me; always. I realize that's selfish and I'm OK with that.
So what I do is take their thoughts, and make them my own. I put me in their situation and I think of how I would do things, how I would feel, etc. Then I turn around and put them in my place (which was their place to begin with, but now with my feelings/emotions/thoughts) and I ask myself how I, now as an outsider, would view it and "deal" with it. I'm odd like that. I can't just see a car accident and react to it. I have to put myself as the victim, then step back and put myself as the person viewing the victim before I can comprehend and reply.
Anyway. All our changes in life, whether planned, wanted or thrown at us have consequences. Nothing new in that statement, huh? We often find outselves wondering what if's, and that almost never does any good whatsoever. But the one thing that I hear (and quite frankly say) most often is that I'm not strong enough. Or that others see us as stronger than we think we are. The fact of the matter is, we are only as strong as we need to be at any given time. Others may view that strength as more than we feel it is, because to them, it is. Maybe as an outsider they don't think they could handle things as well, they wouldn't be as strong as you are....but if they were put in your situation, chances are they'd be just as strong and we'd view them as stronger than they felt.
The other thing you need to realize is, we only see what you show us. We don't see you crying at night, or scrubbing the sink in an over the top OCD manor, or looking at pictures with *that* look in your eye....we aren't there when you wake from the dream that you can only partially remember. All we see is what you show us, and all you show is strength. You hold your head up high, you smile when you want to cry. You laugh because, dammit, it's the only "safe" alternative left.
We all do it and we are all strong. It's just that when we have these times of saddness, of fear, of regret, of wondering which way to go, we aren't focused on our strength. We see the sad, the bad, the scary...we focus on that and when an outsider says "You are so strong!" we don't see it, because it's hidden behind all the garbage that we let in.
Blah...I don't know where I was going with this...but my brain is mush right now. I might come back to it later.