Neglected..in so many ways
This promises to be a long entry. So kiddies, get a cup of your favorite whatever and sit tight, if you even choose to read this at all.
Anyone that has kept in touch with me for the past year or so knows that there are a number of things that are making life difficult right now. Unemployed yet again. I can't say that I miss working, but I do miss the promise of a steady paycheck and having money to buy things I like; food, water, that kind of thing. However, no matter how hard I look, the job market around here sucks so bad and there isn't a single job for me. I can't even get a job making minimum wage because I'm "overqualified". Ya think? That really grinds my gears. Of course I'm overqualified for minimum wage. Who isn't??? But people have to make money somehow. I'm really glad that I spent eight years in school becoming educated. Now my big, beautiful, and expensive brain is going to waste watching TV all day long,wondering why the hell I can't find a decent job and keep a decent job. To make things even more entertaining, I have the student loan bastards calling me nonstop threatening me. I even stooped so low as to call one of them a "Stupid whore" the other day. I explained my situation and told them that once I can actually afford the neccesities in life, they'll get their damn cut. Apparently, that's not good enough.
Annoyance #2.
Health. Back in the early summer of 2006 I sprained my back pretty badly, but with regular visits to my chiropractor it seemed to be under control. I guess I spoke too soon because right after Christmas it started acting up again, only worse. Around the middle of January it got to the point where I could barely walk some days. I would get these terrible muscle spasms which, if I was standing up at the time, would literally make me fall down to the floor in pain. What was different about the back pain this time around is that not only was the pain in my lower back, it was also in my legs and butt area, which is also known as the sciatic nerve area. Normally people don't get this until they're older than I am, but I guess I'm just lucky. My chiropractor couldn't really do anything to help me with that, because manipulating the bones of the spine can only do so much for the muscles and nerves. So, I had to go to my regular doctor to consider other options. All the while that we were trying to figure out how to manage my pain, I was a walking pharmacy. Advil, Vicodin, Muscle relaxers, you name it, I was on it, but none if it really helped. Sure, it took the edge off a little, but I was still in a good deal of discomfort. After a couple of weeks of trial and error, I had a couple of Xrays done and got an MRI of my lumbar spine which revealed that I have bulging discs, spinal stenosis, and pretty severe nerve damage. How comforting!
My doctor told me to go to physical therapy twice a week and to lose weight. I have gained a great deal of weight over the past 2 years since going on a certain medication that I'm now off of. Being on that medication sucked because I could not lose weight and I was hungry all the time. Now that I'm off of it, I'm cranky and irritable, but at least I'm not as hungry. My doctor basically told me if I don't lose weight and exercise I'm going to die at a young age. Now, it's not that I don't want to exercise, it's that when I try, I'm in so much pain that I fall apart weeping. But, I knew that I had to take his advice and do it, considering the alternative.
So, I'm about a month and a half into the physical therapy and it's working wonders. My back pain has gone from about a 10 to a 4, and although it still hurts, I'm learning to deal with my pain better. My physical therapist is awesome. She's about my age and gives me exercises that aren't too hard but are designed to strengthen and work the muscles and nerves that are in distress. Also, for the past two weeks or so I've been walking at least 10 minutes a day. I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but when you've done no exercise for two years, it's a lot. Some days I can do a lot more, but today for example, I could only walk for about 15 minutes before my legs started hurting so bad I could barely move them. But, I made it home, so I consider that a victory.
It's all baby steps they say. I have to work my way up to being in better shape. I don't want to be that person on TV that is so large that they have to be lifted out of bed with a crane. (I'm nowhere NEAR that big, mind you, but I can see how it can happen) Losing the weight will also be great for my back, and it should take away most of the pressure on my spine. I've also been doing other things to try and help my pain, such as Cranio-Sacral therapy, which is kind of strange and I don't know if it's working, but at the very least is relaxing.
I think I'm rambling now. I had a lot to say when I started writing, but I think I fell into the complaining trap. I've neglected this journal for so long and I think that it's a bad thing. Getting it all out seems to help. Most of my friends don't really seem to care very much anymore and I don't know why that is. I call them, but they never call back and I get the feeling they just don't give a shit. It's not like I leave them messages saying "Hey I need to complain", I just am longing for some human contact, that's all. I have my family, which is great. And I have Matt, who, even though he gets a little irritated with me from time to time, has been very good at understanding what I'm going through. I love him very much, and I really don't know what I'd do without him. I want to be someone that he can be proud of. But more than that, I want to be proud of myself, in all aspects. Health and body wise, Financially and careerwise, in all ways. But there's still that little part of me that wants more support from my friends. I call them friends, but I don't even know if that's what they are anymore. I'm tired of being the only one that makes the effort to stay in contact. I'm tired of one sided friendships and relationships. Whatever happened to reciprocity? I guess that's outdated?
There's just a lot going through my head right now and I had to get it out before I explode. And if anyone's reading, thanks for reading. If not, it just helps to get it out.
Anyone that has kept in touch with me for the past year or so knows that there are a number of things that are making life difficult right now. Unemployed yet again. I can't say that I miss working, but I do miss the promise of a steady paycheck and having money to buy things I like; food, water, that kind of thing. However, no matter how hard I look, the job market around here sucks so bad and there isn't a single job for me. I can't even get a job making minimum wage because I'm "overqualified". Ya think? That really grinds my gears. Of course I'm overqualified for minimum wage. Who isn't??? But people have to make money somehow. I'm really glad that I spent eight years in school becoming educated. Now my big, beautiful, and expensive brain is going to waste watching TV all day long,wondering why the hell I can't find a decent job and keep a decent job. To make things even more entertaining, I have the student loan bastards calling me nonstop threatening me. I even stooped so low as to call one of them a "Stupid whore" the other day. I explained my situation and told them that once I can actually afford the neccesities in life, they'll get their damn cut. Apparently, that's not good enough.
Annoyance #2.
Health. Back in the early summer of 2006 I sprained my back pretty badly, but with regular visits to my chiropractor it seemed to be under control. I guess I spoke too soon because right after Christmas it started acting up again, only worse. Around the middle of January it got to the point where I could barely walk some days. I would get these terrible muscle spasms which, if I was standing up at the time, would literally make me fall down to the floor in pain. What was different about the back pain this time around is that not only was the pain in my lower back, it was also in my legs and butt area, which is also known as the sciatic nerve area. Normally people don't get this until they're older than I am, but I guess I'm just lucky. My chiropractor couldn't really do anything to help me with that, because manipulating the bones of the spine can only do so much for the muscles and nerves. So, I had to go to my regular doctor to consider other options. All the while that we were trying to figure out how to manage my pain, I was a walking pharmacy. Advil, Vicodin, Muscle relaxers, you name it, I was on it, but none if it really helped. Sure, it took the edge off a little, but I was still in a good deal of discomfort. After a couple of weeks of trial and error, I had a couple of Xrays done and got an MRI of my lumbar spine which revealed that I have bulging discs, spinal stenosis, and pretty severe nerve damage. How comforting!
My doctor told me to go to physical therapy twice a week and to lose weight. I have gained a great deal of weight over the past 2 years since going on a certain medication that I'm now off of. Being on that medication sucked because I could not lose weight and I was hungry all the time. Now that I'm off of it, I'm cranky and irritable, but at least I'm not as hungry. My doctor basically told me if I don't lose weight and exercise I'm going to die at a young age. Now, it's not that I don't want to exercise, it's that when I try, I'm in so much pain that I fall apart weeping. But, I knew that I had to take his advice and do it, considering the alternative.
So, I'm about a month and a half into the physical therapy and it's working wonders. My back pain has gone from about a 10 to a 4, and although it still hurts, I'm learning to deal with my pain better. My physical therapist is awesome. She's about my age and gives me exercises that aren't too hard but are designed to strengthen and work the muscles and nerves that are in distress. Also, for the past two weeks or so I've been walking at least 10 minutes a day. I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but when you've done no exercise for two years, it's a lot. Some days I can do a lot more, but today for example, I could only walk for about 15 minutes before my legs started hurting so bad I could barely move them. But, I made it home, so I consider that a victory.
It's all baby steps they say. I have to work my way up to being in better shape. I don't want to be that person on TV that is so large that they have to be lifted out of bed with a crane. (I'm nowhere NEAR that big, mind you, but I can see how it can happen) Losing the weight will also be great for my back, and it should take away most of the pressure on my spine. I've also been doing other things to try and help my pain, such as Cranio-Sacral therapy, which is kind of strange and I don't know if it's working, but at the very least is relaxing.
I think I'm rambling now. I had a lot to say when I started writing, but I think I fell into the complaining trap. I've neglected this journal for so long and I think that it's a bad thing. Getting it all out seems to help. Most of my friends don't really seem to care very much anymore and I don't know why that is. I call them, but they never call back and I get the feeling they just don't give a shit. It's not like I leave them messages saying "Hey I need to complain", I just am longing for some human contact, that's all. I have my family, which is great. And I have Matt, who, even though he gets a little irritated with me from time to time, has been very good at understanding what I'm going through. I love him very much, and I really don't know what I'd do without him. I want to be someone that he can be proud of. But more than that, I want to be proud of myself, in all aspects. Health and body wise, Financially and careerwise, in all ways. But there's still that little part of me that wants more support from my friends. I call them friends, but I don't even know if that's what they are anymore. I'm tired of being the only one that makes the effort to stay in contact. I'm tired of one sided friendships and relationships. Whatever happened to reciprocity? I guess that's outdated?
There's just a lot going through my head right now and I had to get it out before I explode. And if anyone's reading, thanks for reading. If not, it just helps to get it out.