I still don't get it...
So here I am. I’m 25. I’m still clueless. My past is worthless. I’ve avoided everything I can. Sure there were good times too. Did I learn anything? Not really. I’ve met some very cool people. I don’t really know any of them anymore. I’ve erased my history. I’ve worked very hard all my life to avoid the things that were supposed to prepare me for this point in my life. Now, I sit here, unprepared. If there’s anything that I can say, “Hey, I’ve been there. I know that,” I’d have to say that I think I’m sorta’ on the verge of understanding love. Many people would say that alone is amazing for so many don’t ever understand it. But, on the other hand, I don’t understand responsibility, pain, justice, loyalty, happiness, comfort and especially ambition. I sit here. Just sit. Not prepare, not make better, not envision, not strive. Just sit. This is where I end up. Without any outside force, I do not move. Everyone else moves of their own accord, don’t they? They have wants, needs, dreams, right? I do not. I would rot right here if someone doesn’t suggest otherwise. What is it that drives people to better themselves and their lot in life? It’s not melancholy or disappointment alone. If it was, I’d be motivated just fine. What should I be? What should I do? Without dreams and ambition I can’t answer those for myself. I think all my life I must have just been walking through the motions, bending to the influence of the wills around me. Can freewill, vision, dreams, goals, life… be learned? Was I just never taught? Am I just not smart enough to comprehend them? What do I lack that other people have? What do I have that is stopping me from running my own life? Do I not care about my own life? Do I have a soul at all?