The Pirates of Penzance Abridged for Modern Audiences Act II
Prior to Tytania Strange finding out that her father needed a pacemaker ZOMGRIGHTNOWORELSE and going two straight weeks without sleeping because when they say "PACEMAKER NOW" then make the appointment for over a week from now, a person tends to get antsy, we presented Act I of the Abridged Pirates of Penzance. At long last, (with another 36 hours of sleep debt still to be repaid) we bring you Act II.
ACT II
Some castle-looking place, somewhere
The Major General is sitting on stage for... reasons
Mabel and Women's Chorus: *enter in nightgowns and sing "Oh Why Are We Still Here... Dear Father, Please Explain This Costume Change"*
Frederic enters... wait, why is here after everyone went to bed?
Mabel: Oh Frederic, for some reason, I have next to no dialogue in this show, so why don't you get us some exposition.
Major General: Exposition? Oh the exposition I have to give you! The pirates are morons but for some reason I now feel sorry for tricking them, and I'd feel so much better if you'd nip off and kill them all. Also, I bought this castle.
Frederic: Indeed, I have been nobly planning to kill all my friends since act one.
Major General: And it's taking you forever to get around to it. Summon the Police!
enter the police led by Sergeant singing "Taratara"
Sergeant: *sings "We like to Sing Tarantara... A Lot"*
Police: *sing "Taratara" a lot*
Mabel: *sings "Die Die Die a Horrible Horrible Death, Yay!"*
Edith: *sings "Die Die Die an Even More Horrible Death!"*
All the women: *have way too much fun singing "Die, Die, Die, Yay!!!"*
Seargent: *sings "Um Okay... Bye, We're Going... Totally Going... Going Soon!"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" a lot more*
Major General: Will you people just leave already?
Everyone but Frederic leaves, wait, why is he still here again?
enter Pirate King and Ruth with guns and knives and sharks with laser beams on their heads
Frederic: I have you in my power!
Pirate King and Ruth: *facepalm*
Pirate King: Oh by the way, while you were gone we had nothing to do
Ruth: So, we sat around figuring out a good reason to have a second act.
Pirate King, Ruth and Frederic: *sing "A Plot device, A Plot Device, A Most Ingenious Plot Device!"*
Pirate King: So, to sum up, you were born on leap year which means you're still a pirate.
Frederic: Well, since that's the case, I guess I should nobly betray the father of the girl I fell in love with less than twelve hours ago. Not an orphan often.
Frederic, Pirate King and Ruth: *sing "Off We Go to Kick Some Ass"*
Pirate King and Ruth exit
Frederic stays on stage... wait, why is he still here?
Mabel enters
Mabel: *sings the recit "Frederic, Why Are You Still Here?"
Frederic: *sings "An Explanation of the Plot Device I Just Had Explained To Me One Musical Number Ago"*
Mabel: *sings "It Sucks to Be Me Falala"*
Frederic: *sings "But You're Cool With This, Right Falala?"*
Mabel and Frederic: *sing "I'm So Happy We're Both Cool With This!"*
Frederic finally leaves
Mabel: Sergeant, bring back half the men's chorus!
Sergeant and Chorus of Police: *sing "Tarantara"*
Mabel: Frederic good now bad still noble go kick his ass, bye!
Sergeant and Police: *sing "Tarantara"*
Sergeant: Well this sucks.
Police: It does.
Sergeant: *sings "I Hate My Job and Being in This Show"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" because they are just that supportive*
Sergeant: Oh crap, Pirates! Everyone hide in plain sight!
Police: *sing "Tarantara" because it's totally helping*
Pirates: *sing "We Loudly Sneak Up On You"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" while hiding in plain sight*
Major General enters... wait, why is he here now?
Major General: *sings "A Random Song About Trees"*
All The Men And Ruth are here now... why are all these people here? Then they hide
Mabel and Women enter, wait, why are they here? Why is everyone here????
Mabel and Women: *sing "Why is Father Here? Why Are Any of Us Here?"*
Pirates: *sing "Muahahah! We Were Here All Along! We Have You Now!"*
Police: * sing "We're also here, Taratara!"*
Actually, from now on just assume that everything is being sung, because it is.
Police and Pirates fight. Police lose, tarantara
Sergeant: Luckily, we're all English and being English is so incredibly awesome that all I have to do is show a picture of Queen Victoria and you'll all squee yourselves helpless right now.
Pirate King: My God, it's true
Pirates are all squee'ed helpless
Ruth: Hold on, the Pirates are also noblemen who have become pirates for some reason!
As we know from earlier, they're also all orphans, are organized to have an apprentice program and they suck at this whole Pirate thing, but whatever, show's almost over
Major General: Well since it's the end of show, I guess that makes everything work out just fine. Everyone can pair up and we'll sing the most famous song one more time.
everyone pairs up
Mabel and everyone: *sings reprise of "Obligatory Waltz Song With High Notes"*
Fin
*
*All the women exit
ACT II
Some castle-looking place, somewhere
The Major General is sitting on stage for... reasons
Mabel and Women's Chorus: *enter in nightgowns and sing "Oh Why Are We Still Here... Dear Father, Please Explain This Costume Change"*
Frederic enters... wait, why is here after everyone went to bed?
Mabel: Oh Frederic, for some reason, I have next to no dialogue in this show, so why don't you get us some exposition.
Major General: Exposition? Oh the exposition I have to give you! The pirates are morons but for some reason I now feel sorry for tricking them, and I'd feel so much better if you'd nip off and kill them all. Also, I bought this castle.
Frederic: Indeed, I have been nobly planning to kill all my friends since act one.
Major General: And it's taking you forever to get around to it. Summon the Police!
enter the police led by Sergeant singing "Taratara"
Sergeant: *sings "We like to Sing Tarantara... A Lot"*
Police: *sing "Taratara" a lot*
Mabel: *sings "Die Die Die a Horrible Horrible Death, Yay!"*
Edith: *sings "Die Die Die an Even More Horrible Death!"*
All the women: *have way too much fun singing "Die, Die, Die, Yay!!!"*
Seargent: *sings "Um Okay... Bye, We're Going... Totally Going... Going Soon!"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" a lot more*
Major General: Will you people just leave already?
Everyone but Frederic leaves, wait, why is he still here again?
enter Pirate King and Ruth with guns and knives and sharks with laser beams on their heads
Frederic: I have you in my power!
Pirate King and Ruth: *facepalm*
Pirate King: Oh by the way, while you were gone we had nothing to do
Ruth: So, we sat around figuring out a good reason to have a second act.
Pirate King, Ruth and Frederic: *sing "A Plot device, A Plot Device, A Most Ingenious Plot Device!"*
Pirate King: So, to sum up, you were born on leap year which means you're still a pirate.
Frederic: Well, since that's the case, I guess I should nobly betray the father of the girl I fell in love with less than twelve hours ago. Not an orphan often.
Frederic, Pirate King and Ruth: *sing "Off We Go to Kick Some Ass"*
Pirate King and Ruth exit
Frederic stays on stage... wait, why is he still here?
Mabel enters
Mabel: *sings the recit "Frederic, Why Are You Still Here?"
Frederic: *sings "An Explanation of the Plot Device I Just Had Explained To Me One Musical Number Ago"*
Mabel: *sings "It Sucks to Be Me Falala"*
Frederic: *sings "But You're Cool With This, Right Falala?"*
Mabel and Frederic: *sing "I'm So Happy We're Both Cool With This!"*
Frederic finally leaves
Mabel: Sergeant, bring back half the men's chorus!
Sergeant and Chorus of Police: *sing "Tarantara"*
Mabel: Frederic good now bad still noble go kick his ass, bye!
Sergeant and Police: *sing "Tarantara"*
Sergeant: Well this sucks.
Police: It does.
Sergeant: *sings "I Hate My Job and Being in This Show"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" because they are just that supportive*
Sergeant: Oh crap, Pirates! Everyone hide in plain sight!
Police: *sing "Tarantara" because it's totally helping*
Pirates: *sing "We Loudly Sneak Up On You"*
Police: *sing "Tarantara" while hiding in plain sight*
Major General enters... wait, why is he here now?
Major General: *sings "A Random Song About Trees"*
All The Men And Ruth are here now... why are all these people here? Then they hide
Mabel and Women enter, wait, why are they here? Why is everyone here????
Mabel and Women: *sing "Why is Father Here? Why Are Any of Us Here?"*
Pirates: *sing "Muahahah! We Were Here All Along! We Have You Now!"*
Police: * sing "We're also here, Taratara!"*
Actually, from now on just assume that everything is being sung, because it is.
Police and Pirates fight. Police lose, tarantara
Sergeant: Luckily, we're all English and being English is so incredibly awesome that all I have to do is show a picture of Queen Victoria and you'll all squee yourselves helpless right now.
Pirate King: My God, it's true
Pirates are all squee'ed helpless
Ruth: Hold on, the Pirates are also noblemen who have become pirates for some reason!
As we know from earlier, they're also all orphans, are organized to have an apprentice program and they suck at this whole Pirate thing, but whatever, show's almost over
Major General: Well since it's the end of show, I guess that makes everything work out just fine. Everyone can pair up and we'll sing the most famous song one more time.
everyone pairs up
Mabel and everyone: *sings reprise of "Obligatory Waltz Song With High Notes"*
Fin
*
*All the women exit