The Pirates of Penzance Abridged for Modern Audiences Act I
Pirates has closed after a successful run of performances to nearly full capacity. In honor of the event, I bring you Pirates of Penzance Act I- abridged for modern audiences
Act I
Pirates: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate song you don't know!
Pirate King: Congrats Frederic, you're now a full-fledged pirate!
Frederic: Cool! By the way, I quit and I'm going to kill you all!
Pirate King: Well, have fun with that. By the way, please take the mezzo with you because, honestly, we're not even sure why she's even here.
Ruth: *sings "A Song to Explain Why I'm Here and Some Backstory You Sort of Need"*
Frederic: Well, I'm glad the audience heard that because it will be a plot point later. But, hold up, this is a G&S operetta, so I'm pretty sure some hot maidens are going to turn up in the next scene or two. Ruth, are you smoking hot?
Ruth: I can't believe you even asked me that. Sure, whatever.
Frederic: Great, because as a tenor, I totally need to be paired up with a hottie at the end of the show. Oh well, sorry I have to kill you all, too bad you can't come with me to the other side of the set!
Pirate King: *sings "My Pirate Pants Are Too Sexy for This Set"*
Exit all but Frederic and Ruth
Frederic: Well, before we get married, let's make fun of your age a bit because that totally won't be weird or anything.
Women's Chorus: *giggles*
Ruth: A chorus of women my own age but wearing pastel colors, alas!!
Women's chorus: *GIGGLES*
Frederic and Ruth: *sings a duet "You Lying SkankbitchHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Ruth exits in tears
Frederic: And now I'll hide and watch the women from offstage because that isn't creepy or anything.
Frederic hides offstage
enter Edith, Kate, Isabel, and women in pastel-colored dresses
Edith: Isn't it great to be so alone?
Kate: Yes, we are undoubtedly completely alone with no one watching us at all.
Isabel: This is the only scene where I have dialogue. Yep, we're alone.
Edith: Well, now that we've established how alone we are, let's take off clothes.
Frederic: Stop, this show is family friendly!
All women: A man! (this is the actual line from the score)
Frederic: *sings "Oh is there not one maiden with low standards who'll fall for my high B?" *
All Women: Not one.
Mabel: Except the leading soprano. Behold the power of my cadenza.
Mabel's cadenza is so powerful that Frederic falls in love with her on the spot
Mabel: *sings "Obligatory Waltz Song With High Notes"*
Women's Chorus: *sings "Better Her Than Us" while Mabel and Frederic Sing "We're in Love Because the Score Says So" both at once in order to save time*
Frederic: OMG I completely forgot about the pirates. Mabel, come and hide off stage with me while everyone else gets kidnapped.
Frederic and Mabel leave, as they go, the pirate sneak on
Women's chorus: Eek! If only we had left when told explicitly to do so!
Pirates: Haha! We're going to drag you off and marry you because this is a family show, damnit!
Mabel: Oh no you don't, because of reasons that modern audiences don't actually understand and also, father is a major general!
Women: Yes, yes, he is a major general! (actual line from the score)
Major General: Yes, yes I am a major general! (next actual line from the score) *sings "I am the person singing the most famous patter song of all"* And now that we have that out of the way, WTF is going on here?
Pirates: We're marrying your daughters.
Major General: No, you're not because not only am I an orphan, but I am also so awesome that comedians will be stealing this bit for years to come. Orphan, often, moving on.
Pirates: Well, that's us sorted. I guess we should sing the acapella bit.
All: *sing Hail Acappella Harmony"*
Ruth: I'm still in this show, if anyone cares.
Pirates: They don't.
All: *sing "Everything Is Pretty Much Solved, Why Do We Have An Act II Again?"*
Curtain
Act I
Pirates: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate song you don't know!
Pirate King: Congrats Frederic, you're now a full-fledged pirate!
Frederic: Cool! By the way, I quit and I'm going to kill you all!
Pirate King: Well, have fun with that. By the way, please take the mezzo with you because, honestly, we're not even sure why she's even here.
Ruth: *sings "A Song to Explain Why I'm Here and Some Backstory You Sort of Need"*
Frederic: Well, I'm glad the audience heard that because it will be a plot point later. But, hold up, this is a G&S operetta, so I'm pretty sure some hot maidens are going to turn up in the next scene or two. Ruth, are you smoking hot?
Ruth: I can't believe you even asked me that. Sure, whatever.
Frederic: Great, because as a tenor, I totally need to be paired up with a hottie at the end of the show. Oh well, sorry I have to kill you all, too bad you can't come with me to the other side of the set!
Pirate King: *sings "My Pirate Pants Are Too Sexy for This Set"*
Exit all but Frederic and Ruth
Frederic: Well, before we get married, let's make fun of your age a bit because that totally won't be weird or anything.
Women's Chorus: *giggles*
Ruth: A chorus of women my own age but wearing pastel colors, alas!!
Women's chorus: *GIGGLES*
Frederic and Ruth: *sings a duet "You Lying SkankbitchHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Ruth exits in tears
Frederic: And now I'll hide and watch the women from offstage because that isn't creepy or anything.
Frederic hides offstage
enter Edith, Kate, Isabel, and women in pastel-colored dresses
Edith: Isn't it great to be so alone?
Kate: Yes, we are undoubtedly completely alone with no one watching us at all.
Isabel: This is the only scene where I have dialogue. Yep, we're alone.
Edith: Well, now that we've established how alone we are, let's take off clothes.
Frederic: Stop, this show is family friendly!
All women: A man! (this is the actual line from the score)
Frederic: *sings "Oh is there not one maiden with low standards who'll fall for my high B?" *
All Women: Not one.
Mabel: Except the leading soprano. Behold the power of my cadenza.
Mabel's cadenza is so powerful that Frederic falls in love with her on the spot
Mabel: *sings "Obligatory Waltz Song With High Notes"*
Women's Chorus: *sings "Better Her Than Us" while Mabel and Frederic Sing "We're in Love Because the Score Says So" both at once in order to save time*
Frederic: OMG I completely forgot about the pirates. Mabel, come and hide off stage with me while everyone else gets kidnapped.
Frederic and Mabel leave, as they go, the pirate sneak on
Women's chorus: Eek! If only we had left when told explicitly to do so!
Pirates: Haha! We're going to drag you off and marry you because this is a family show, damnit!
Mabel: Oh no you don't, because of reasons that modern audiences don't actually understand and also, father is a major general!
Women: Yes, yes, he is a major general! (actual line from the score)
Major General: Yes, yes I am a major general! (next actual line from the score) *sings "I am the person singing the most famous patter song of all"* And now that we have that out of the way, WTF is going on here?
Pirates: We're marrying your daughters.
Major General: No, you're not because not only am I an orphan, but I am also so awesome that comedians will be stealing this bit for years to come. Orphan, often, moving on.
Pirates: Well, that's us sorted. I guess we should sing the acapella bit.
All: *sing Hail Acappella Harmony"*
Ruth: I'm still in this show, if anyone cares.
Pirates: They don't.
All: *sing "Everything Is Pretty Much Solved, Why Do We Have An Act II Again?"*
Curtain