La Boheme- Abridged for Today's Audiences: Act I
Act I
The Garret Over Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop... no, seriously, it's pretty much the exact same set.
Marcello: It's too cold to paint!
Rodolfo: It's too cold to write!
*The orchestra plays Theme for Nothing Getting Done*
Rodolfo: Hey, I know what we should do! Let's set fire to my latest dramatic play. That should keep us warm.
*Rodolfo burns a manuscript. Just for fun, let's say it was Rent *
* Colline enters*
Colline: Oh cool there’s a fire.
three seconds later
Colline: Or not.
Rodolfo: In retrospect, maybe this was a stupid idea
*The orchestra plays Theme for Stupid Ideas which segues into the The Theme for Nothing Getting Done*
*Schaunard enters*
*The Orchestra plays the Theme for Schaunard Showing Up, no, seriously, everything has a theme in this thing*
La Boheme Fandom: Schaunard/Colline OTP!!!
Schaunard: I brought food!
Marcello: Where did you find the money?
Schaunard: I killed a parrot.
Marcello: For reals?
Schaunard: Seriously, for reals. Polly want some arsenic?
Colline: Cool! Let's eat!
The audience: * wonders if they're going to eat the parrot*
Schaunard: No! We can't stay here and eat food. We’re going to Momus to pick up consumptive hotties!
*The orchestra plays the Theme for Going to Momus*
* Benoit knocks*
Benoit: So, you guys planning on paying the rent anytime ever?
* They aren’t*
Marcello: So, how about them hotties?
Benoit: I like big butts and I cannot lie.
(Seriously, he totally does)
The students: ZOMG scandalous! Get out of our pristine parrot-murdering, consumptive-hottie-hookup pad!
*Benoit leaves*
Schaunard: Okay, so now we can finally go to Momus.
*The orchestra plays the Theme for Going To Momus some more, just in case you missed it the first time*
Rodolfo: Oh no, I just remembered that I have work to do that I never mentioned before! You guys go on without me!
* Marcello, Schaunard and Colline leave*
Mimi: Hi, my candle went out, so I decided to walk down 37 flights of stairs to see if you can help.
Rodolfo: Baby, I will so light your candle.
Rodolfo: *sings Here is my entire life story even though you just met me and probably don’t care. This music will be his theme for the rest of the show*
Mimi: *sings : My Name is Mimi, and, just in case you forgot, My Name is Still Mimi. This music will be her theme for the rest of show*
Mimi and Rodolfo: *sing the famous duet, Consumption is Hot, which will be the theme of Mimi and Rodolfo's epic tragic love of tragical epicness for the rest of the show*
Marcello, Schaunard, Colline: Hey, you coming to Momus or what?
*The orchestra gets ready to play the Theme for Going to Momus then decides not to, since you'll be hearing it another 103 times in act II*
Mimi: Tell me they haven't been lurking around here the whole time because that's just messed up.
Rodolfo: Seriously, guys, we talked about this, I'm in here with a girl, okay? So where were we...
Mimi: We were going to Momus.
Rodolfo: Dammit! What about later?
Mimi: We'll talk about it after Act II.
*Mimi and Rodolfo high C it off to Momus*
Curtain
The Garret Over Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop... no, seriously, it's pretty much the exact same set.
Marcello: It's too cold to paint!
Rodolfo: It's too cold to write!
*The orchestra plays Theme for Nothing Getting Done*
Rodolfo: Hey, I know what we should do! Let's set fire to my latest dramatic play. That should keep us warm.
*Rodolfo burns a manuscript. Just for fun, let's say it was Rent *
* Colline enters*
Colline: Oh cool there’s a fire.
three seconds later
Colline: Or not.
Rodolfo: In retrospect, maybe this was a stupid idea
*The orchestra plays Theme for Stupid Ideas which segues into the The Theme for Nothing Getting Done*
*Schaunard enters*
*The Orchestra plays the Theme for Schaunard Showing Up, no, seriously, everything has a theme in this thing*
La Boheme Fandom: Schaunard/Colline OTP!!!
Schaunard: I brought food!
Marcello: Where did you find the money?
Schaunard: I killed a parrot.
Marcello: For reals?
Schaunard: Seriously, for reals. Polly want some arsenic?
Colline: Cool! Let's eat!
The audience: * wonders if they're going to eat the parrot*
Schaunard: No! We can't stay here and eat food. We’re going to Momus to pick up consumptive hotties!
*The orchestra plays the Theme for Going to Momus*
* Benoit knocks*
Benoit: So, you guys planning on paying the rent anytime ever?
* They aren’t*
Marcello: So, how about them hotties?
Benoit: I like big butts and I cannot lie.
(Seriously, he totally does)
The students: ZOMG scandalous! Get out of our pristine parrot-murdering, consumptive-hottie-hookup pad!
*Benoit leaves*
Schaunard: Okay, so now we can finally go to Momus.
*The orchestra plays the Theme for Going To Momus some more, just in case you missed it the first time*
Rodolfo: Oh no, I just remembered that I have work to do that I never mentioned before! You guys go on without me!
* Marcello, Schaunard and Colline leave*
Mimi: Hi, my candle went out, so I decided to walk down 37 flights of stairs to see if you can help.
Rodolfo: Baby, I will so light your candle.
Rodolfo: *sings Here is my entire life story even though you just met me and probably don’t care. This music will be his theme for the rest of the show*
Mimi: *sings : My Name is Mimi, and, just in case you forgot, My Name is Still Mimi. This music will be her theme for the rest of show*
Mimi and Rodolfo: *sing the famous duet, Consumption is Hot, which will be the theme of Mimi and Rodolfo's epic tragic love of tragical epicness for the rest of the show*
Marcello, Schaunard, Colline: Hey, you coming to Momus or what?
*The orchestra gets ready to play the Theme for Going to Momus then decides not to, since you'll be hearing it another 103 times in act II*
Mimi: Tell me they haven't been lurking around here the whole time because that's just messed up.
Rodolfo: Seriously, guys, we talked about this, I'm in here with a girl, okay? So where were we...
Mimi: We were going to Momus.
Rodolfo: Dammit! What about later?
Mimi: We'll talk about it after Act II.
*Mimi and Rodolfo high C it off to Momus*
Curtain