(no subject)
i am so un-nerved.
what is going on? life is INSANE. you think i'm kidding? oh no. i'm very serious. last night i didnt sleep a wink. it was the longest night i've had in a while. all i could think about was what to say. what can i do? nothing. this is the most helpless i've ever felt. its the most vulnerable, painful, insecure place. there is SO much to say. there is SO much to be done. there is SO much emotion and heart involved.
what can you do when the ball isnt in your court? what game is being played? i feel like i'm being toyed with. like my mind is being messed with; manipulated. i dont do that shit. i am not a game player when it comes to screwing with people's lives. i mean, wtf. what is that? does it make you feel better? does it make you happy? is this another take on passive aggressive revenge? is it soothing your ruffled feathers? your angry spirit? your wounds that have been open for years? the ones you won't let heal? what are you afraid of? what scares you? what intimidates you? why me? huh? why is my life, my love, my heart....why is it the object of your frustration?
i've made my mistakes. i've done some stupid things. i've said some hurtful things. but i'm seeking the face of God. He is showing me the areas of my life and my heart that i need to deal with. i've apologized and meant every word. i've sacrificed. i've let go in hopes that it's God's perfect and pleasing will for things to come back. i've stepped back. i've given space. i've given EVERYTHING i have. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? you have it all already. you have it all. even in my fear, even in my hurt, even with my trust issues, you have everything i can give.
it's not your fault. i dont blame you. can you understand that? I DONT FREAKING BLAME YOU. you're family. you're someone i love. you're someone i care about. you're someone i trust. do you understand that? i actually trust you. i'm not sure if you can comprehend what we're talking about here. do you remember our discussions about all this? do you remember the good times?
i hope you remember the good times. do the bad outweigh the good? does it even matter to you? can you get past your anger and hurt long enough to see the beauty of our relationship? can you overlook the dreams? can you overlook the prophecy? can you overlook the emotions? can you overlook the laughs, the smiles, the hugs, the jokes, the goofiness? if you can look into my eyes and say that you dont care, i'll let it go forever.
but until then, quit acting like i dont. stop acting like this is all my fault and that i deserve to live in vulnerable pain and emotional rollercoasters for the rest of my short existence.
this is love. i hope that someday you'll comprehend it. i hope that someday you will see my heart in all this....that you will see my love in all this. all i ask is that you give me a chance instead of signing my death warrant.
what is going on? life is INSANE. you think i'm kidding? oh no. i'm very serious. last night i didnt sleep a wink. it was the longest night i've had in a while. all i could think about was what to say. what can i do? nothing. this is the most helpless i've ever felt. its the most vulnerable, painful, insecure place. there is SO much to say. there is SO much to be done. there is SO much emotion and heart involved.
what can you do when the ball isnt in your court? what game is being played? i feel like i'm being toyed with. like my mind is being messed with; manipulated. i dont do that shit. i am not a game player when it comes to screwing with people's lives. i mean, wtf. what is that? does it make you feel better? does it make you happy? is this another take on passive aggressive revenge? is it soothing your ruffled feathers? your angry spirit? your wounds that have been open for years? the ones you won't let heal? what are you afraid of? what scares you? what intimidates you? why me? huh? why is my life, my love, my heart....why is it the object of your frustration?
i've made my mistakes. i've done some stupid things. i've said some hurtful things. but i'm seeking the face of God. He is showing me the areas of my life and my heart that i need to deal with. i've apologized and meant every word. i've sacrificed. i've let go in hopes that it's God's perfect and pleasing will for things to come back. i've stepped back. i've given space. i've given EVERYTHING i have. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? you have it all already. you have it all. even in my fear, even in my hurt, even with my trust issues, you have everything i can give.
it's not your fault. i dont blame you. can you understand that? I DONT FREAKING BLAME YOU. you're family. you're someone i love. you're someone i care about. you're someone i trust. do you understand that? i actually trust you. i'm not sure if you can comprehend what we're talking about here. do you remember our discussions about all this? do you remember the good times?
i hope you remember the good times. do the bad outweigh the good? does it even matter to you? can you get past your anger and hurt long enough to see the beauty of our relationship? can you overlook the dreams? can you overlook the prophecy? can you overlook the emotions? can you overlook the laughs, the smiles, the hugs, the jokes, the goofiness? if you can look into my eyes and say that you dont care, i'll let it go forever.
but until then, quit acting like i dont. stop acting like this is all my fault and that i deserve to live in vulnerable pain and emotional rollercoasters for the rest of my short existence.
this is love. i hope that someday you'll comprehend it. i hope that someday you will see my heart in all this....that you will see my love in all this. all i ask is that you give me a chance instead of signing my death warrant.