HAHAHAHA
My laughs and smiles are fading each day. My happiness only last seconds. Haha..
I'm doing the best I can to savour that feeling. I've tried making silly jokes and eating. But it only lasts me seconds until I realize what a fool I am. These last few days was amazing. But how come I'm never fully happy? I am happy with those moments but not fully like I'd be depress the next second. I had fun. Chilling and eating with Steph. Drawing, drinking coffee and eating donuts, and making silly jokes with Julienne. Going to Donna's house and listening to their jokes and watch how they smile and how happy they are. Played DDR with her and Julienne. It was awesome these past few days.
Today.. I realized something. Maybe I've lost my mind. Maybe I've gained my mind back. I don't know. But maybe.. it was all pretend. Maybe you never really cared. Maybe I never really cared. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But it's dying out fast. It's fading fast. Why aren't you doing anything? Why aren't I doing anything? Everything seems so stressful. Maybe I make it stressful. I don't fucking know how far my fucked up - ness limits go. I didn't go to the mall. I need to buy Cristel and Paul something. I HAVE TO. Why? You won't understand. I realized I will never be a priority to someone or anyone even if everyone else is my top priority. Maybe that's what Kelvin told me to change. To get myself a self esteem and put myself first for once in my life. But I did that once.. and someone called me greedy. I need to start expecting and accepting change. I need to get myself together and be confident of something for once. I need to stop stressing over risks that I'll never take. I need to stop trying to please everyone and start pleasing myself. I just realized another thing. It's going back to nromal. Me quiet with not a lot to say with temporary smiles. Hopefully I get my wall back up too. I want to be less vulnerable. My strong self. My old me.. I miss me. I miss when I was content. Not very happy but not depressed. I was just okay with everything. It was alright. Until you came along and showed me something more and that happiness can last .. and I became vulnerable. I became blind. I became weak. But I was happy.. Now.. it's gone. Everything. I'm weaker than ever. I'm sadder than ever. I'm madder than ever. I'm lost. I don't fucking know what's wrong. I wonder if standing out also means being invisible. Being unique is like being out of place. It's so confusing these days. There's always a negative to balance stupid nature. This long ass pointless thing is one of my few thousands thoughts. Before, you say that my thoughts are organized in my head. Now.. it's all mixed up. I don't know what's happening.
Call me a fake or whatever but in my opinion, however fucked up and weird I may be, I am not fake. Unlike a lot of people, I can't help showing my feelings to others. No matter how mad or depressed I may be. Unlike other people, I don't just be nice to get friends. Unlike other people, I don't try to look good just so I can fit it. Unlike others I will do or say whatever I want even if you get mad, you look at me like this o_O, or like this -_-; or other ways. I may not tell the whole truth about me sometimes but it doesn't mean I'm a fake. I just want to keep stuff to myself for once. I don't pretend I'm nice when I know I am bitchy just to get whoever to like me. My real friends see through me inside out. I have a wall but it doesn't mean I lie all the time. I try to be nice and not insult others and keep my rude comments to myself. I haven't said anything for a looong time. But whatever. As long as I forget about it.. it's all good.
I contemplate about the smallest things.. so what? It only harms me anyways.
I know this really isn't you
I know your heart is somewhere else
And I'll do anything I can
To help you break out of this spell
I see you following your crowd
I know you're trying to fit in
But if your gonna find yourself
You gotta start from deep, deep within
I'll be waiting for you to show me the whole you.
1. single or taken? I don’t know
2. Do you have a crush on anyone? I don’t know
3. Do they know? I don’t know
4. Do you flirt a lot? Lol.
5. to whom was your best relationship with? Lol.
6. Do cheaters deserve a 2nd chance? When hell freezes.
7. Serious or fun-loving? serious
8. Humor or Romance? both.
9. Dark or light hair? dark
10. Shorter or taller than you? taller
11. Do you kiss strangers? dunno
12. Do you hug strangers? Not really
13. How long was your longest relationship? The one I have now
14. Do you believe in kissing when you are not together yet? Depends..
15. Do you think about the opposite sex a lot? Lol..
16. Have you ever slept at a friend of the opposite sex's house? yep
17. Do you tell your friends they are hot? Jokingly.
18. Would you rather have a sweet, clever guy/ girl or a wild one? Haha..
19. Have you ever liked someone a lot (and they knew it) who didn't like you back? Dunno.
20. Do you feel comfortable with joking with your friends who are the opposite sex? Um yeah.
21.Chocolates or flowers? Doesn’t matter
22. Have you ever been in the friends-with-benefits situation? W-t-f.
23. Teddy Bear or Card? Card is enough
24. Would it be sweet or annoying if someone of the opposite sex called just to say hi? No, I think it’s sweet
25. Ever felt like your Girlfriend/boyfriend didn't like you? So many times
26. Ever been cheated on? Not yet
27. Ever done the cheating? Nope and never will prolly.
28. Ever cried over a break up? Um no.
29. Ever kissed or hugged your girlfriend/boyfriend in front of a teacher and got in trouble? Dunno.
30. Do you believe in miracles? Yes even if I know they arent ever gonna happen to me.
31. Is it easy for you to get over people who were special to you? Is that a trick question?
32. Have you ever made a birthday wish or blew on a dandelion on a relationship? A wish not a birthday one..
33. Have you ever had a broken heart? Id be dead.
1. What is the best nickname that u ever had? Leesha?
2. Do you think suicide is the best way? No.. but I’d understand.
3. Rate your social life from scale 1 to 10. I don’t knowww. 0?
4. Are you in love with someone at the moment? Yeah with my ass.
5. are you missing someone at the moment? Like I said. My ass.
6. Would you die for the one you love? Yep. My ass is precious like that.
7. Do you think love hurts? It’s not really supposed to but it does.
8. Whats the best thing about love at first sight? Um.. “oo hotta hotta?” nothing.
9. Whats the worst thing about love? The infatuation right behind it.
10. Will you wait for someone you love? Haha..
11. What song best describes your love life at this moment? (8) never far behind
13. Do you wanna get married? Who doesn’t..
14. Have you talked to the person you love on the phone? Yep.
15. Do you keep memories or try to forget them? Keep them.
16. Is love always on your side or the opposite way? Hahaha.. it hates me.
18. Do you have a gay/lesbian/bisexual friend? Cristel and steph.
19. Are you sick of love? Lol…
20. Are you sick of questions on love? Lol..
21. What are you going to do tomorrow? Cristel’s b-day party.
22. What do u want so badly right now? To get out and just walk out in the dark cold night.
23. Do you think money is everything? Money is what people worship these days.
24. What song are you listening right now? Something more.
25. Whats the song, you last downloaded? These aly and aj songs.
26: How much do you love music? I can’t live without it.
27. Do you play an instrument? I want to play piano and guitar
28. Have you written your own song? When I really need to get stuff out in a peaceful quiet way.
29. What movie did you last watch? Stop repeating questions..
30. Do you believe in forever? Unfortunately.. yeah
WHO'S
Who is in the house with you? family
Who are you thinking about now? About how mad and sucky I feel and figuring out why everything is so wrong.
Who did you last talk to on the phone? My ass
Whose house did you last go to?: cristel’s
Whose birthday is next? Cristel, paul then natalie.
Who was the last person you told you loved? Lol.. feels so long ago.
Who do you hope will take this survey? Who cares.
WHAT's
What was the last thing you ate?: chocolate. Something sweet to change my mood.
What was the last thing you drank? Five alive
What is the closest item near you that is blue? thesaurus
What instant messaging service do you use?: MSN
What is your favorite color? Lol.. green.
What is your most used away message? Leave me alone.
What is your favorite website?: www.sexissocool.com XD
What song are you currently listening to?: Never far behind
WHERE'S
Where do you live?: birchmount
Where is your phone? My homephone is beside me.
Where do you sleep?: my bed.
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?: bought it?
Where did you get this survey?: steph
WHEN'S
When is your birthday?: september 10
When did you last burn a candle?: dunno
When did you last see your dad?: now.
WHY'S
Why do we have to go to school?: to escape home.
Why are you taking this survey?: I want to think of other things.
GIRLS FILL THIS PART OUT
About guys, Turned ON, OFF or DC (Don't care):
Is taller than you: TURN ON
Wears a grill: TURN OFF
Dresses Gangsta: who cares
Dresses Gothic: who cares
Dresses Skater: who cares
Has green eyes: TURN ON ; I love that.. naturally tho.
Has blue eyes: TURN ON; natural only.
Brown eyes: TURN ON
Wears eyeliner: sometimes.
Drinks alcohol: depends
Wears glasses: TURN ON; I love glasses.
Smokes cig: TURN OFF
Smokes weed: TURN OFF
Plays sports: TURN ON =)
Smiles a lot: TURN ON =D
Calls you just to say hi: TURN ON ; aww
Compliments you: TURN ON ; lol..
Good dancer: TURN ON ; haha
Wears jewelry: um don’t care
Smiles when you walk in the room: TURN ON
Has curly hair: its sexy sometimes..
Has straight hair: lol.
Has brown hair: don’t care
Has Black hair: pure black naturally amazes me.
Has blonde hair : oooo
Tan: TURN ON
Loyal: TURN ON
Laid back: TURN ON
Plays drums: TURN ON ; niiccee
Plays guitar:TURN ON ; aww..
Sings: TURN ON ; omg..
Skinny: don’t care
Muscular: don’t care
Fat: don’t care
He can draw: TURN ON ; I’d be amazed..
Easily jealous: DC ; cute tho.
Has a tattoo: DC ; I’d envy you.
Has a lip ring: TURN OFF
Has tongue ring: TURN OFF
Nipples pierced: TURN OFF
Goes to church: TURN ON ; aww
1. Are u wearing a necklace?
- he gave me it..
2.does your computer have a mouse?
- yes.
3. Who is the main person you talk to in each of your classes?
- math: anujah, sarah
- civics: donna, marie, chris, jessica
- science: leo, samantha, marie
- french: donna, steph, jen, chris, guian
4. Do you like school?
- lol yes actually.
5. What color is your shirt?
- red
6. How many bedrooms do you have in your house?
- 6
7. What song are you listening to?
- collapsed
8. What was the last mall you've been to?
- town center
9. Are you alone?
- I want to be
10. Do you have any older siblings?
- I wish
11. What is the last thing you ate?
- candy.
12. Who was the last person to come over to your house?
- I don’t know
13.Who was the last person to call you?
- I don’t know
14. Who was the last person who texted you?
- I don’t have a cell
15. What time is it?
- 10:13 pm
16. What should you be doing?
- sleeping or cleaning.
17. Who is the last person you IMed?
- carlo
18. Did you go out to eat yesterday?
- yeah.. with steph.
19. What are you thinking about right now?
- so many thoughts, so hard to keep track..
20. What color are your pants?
- my red and white striped blue sweatpants
21. What color is your keyboard?
- black
22. What do you feel like eating/drinking?
- everything..
23. Are you in college?
- no
24. What is the last word you wrote?
- ai shite ru
25. Are you bored?
- not really..
26. How many teeth do you have?
- I don’t know
28. Do you wear glasses?
- no
29. What color are your shoes?
- black
31. Last thing you drank?
- five fucking alive
34. Who do you love?
- god and friends
35. What are you doing right now?
- to get things off my head
37: what are you looking at now?
- your ass
38. What's the last words you said?
- I hate you bitches.
39. Do you have lip gloss on?
- no
40. Do you have eyeliner on?
- no
41. Did u realize there was no question number 36?
- so?
42. Do you have a cut on your pointer finger?
- yeh
43. Where is your cell phone?
- in your ass
44. Do you have any friends named robby?
- there’s a gr 12 or 11 dude that sits 2 seats in front of me who’s named that..
46. Do you have any friends named nikki?
- dunno
47. Are you afraid of the dark?
- I love it
48. Did you used to watch "are you afraid of the dark"?
- kinda?
49. Do you like someone right now?
- haha
50. What size shoe are you?
- 5 ½ - 7
EIGHT Lasts:
8. Crush: Lol..
7. Beverage: five alive
6. Movie: it’s been a lllooonng time
5. Phone Call: aunt
4. CD Played: sappy ones
3. Bubble Bath: I wish I was young
2. Time You Cried: today
1. Meal: the one I ate a few hours ago
EIGHT Have Yous:
8. Dated Someone Twice: no..
7. Been Cheated On: not yet
6. Bought condoms: I’ll ask steph for some
5. Kissed Someone & Regret It: no..
4. Fallen In Love: my ass.. of course.
3. Lost Someone: more than one..
2. Been Depressed: like now and yesterday and lately..
1. Been Drunk And Thrown up: i want to out of curiousity.. I mean drunk.. not throwing up.
SIX Things You Did In The Past Three Days:
1. Gone shopping: I was supposed to today.
2. Went To Work: I want to
3. Colored: with markers? No.
4. Talked to your crush: nothing is here..
5. Got Drunk: NO.
6. Slept: I’d be like dead on my keyboard if I haven’t
List THREE Favorite Colors
1. green
2. black
3. white
List TWO Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. be happy
2. everything I want?
So Far in '06 I have:
1. Been To School: yep.
2. Made A New Friend: yep.
3. Fallen Out Of Love: in a hole yep. In a dark pit, yep.
4. Done Something You Swore Never To Do: oh fuck yeah.
5. Laughed Until You Cried: I can’t cry when I laugh.
6. Went Behind Your Parents' Back: haha…
7. Met Someone Who Changed Your Life?: sure..
8. Gotten Close To Someone: sure..
9. Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: haha…
What Do You Think Of...
1. Bush: the bush bush that I pass by? Or the person bush? I don’t care cuz both things are where people pissed on.
2. Lowering The Drinking Age: who cares?
Random
1. Straight, Gay, Bi: straight I guess
2. Do You Have A Crush: yeah.. orange flavoured.
3. Who Is The Best Hugger You Know: hahaha..
4. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight: no, I believe at sex at first sight tho.
5. Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone: yep.. I hate you.