(no subject)
I'm feeling vindictive and angry.
Not at all in the holiday spirit.
Not at all forgiving.
I hope I don't get coal in my stocking........ again.
I have been in another place lately. Not here. Yet not there.
Somewhere not exactly inbetween.
Riding chad today, cantering, dirt flying up behind us in a small shower. Nostrils flaring. His outward breaths heavy in the chilled air. His sharp eyes watching. Head bowed gracefully.
Me, purched perfectly. Mind elsewhere. Moving sinuously. That was the most alive I have felt lately. The most "here" I have felt.
*****
I wish you knew me. But you don't. Its not your fault though.
If it helps. Your not alone. Only people who get to really know me. They are my parents. My brother. His girlfriend.
I'm someone else when I'm around you. Ever a graceful actor. Let me know who you would like me to be tomorrow. I'm sure I can handle it.
You don't get to meet me. I'm afraid I can't come out of this shell. It doesn't happen. Because I'm never comfortable. Not around you. I'm sorry about that too. But I'm not. You don't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. Please don't think that. Its me. Its how I am. Uncomfortable. I have been told that I have amazing confidence. That I'm to cocky.
Well its easy to be those things when you know that nobody is judging the real you. They are judging the personality of some character you created. You made him sure. But its not you they are judging. It's him. Some how. This helps you retain apathy.
Again. I'm sorry we will never know each other.
******
I'm so selfish sometimes. I was thinking about something the other day. How I lose touch with so many people.
Me being the selfish ass hole that I am. The giant prick. Me being that fucking bastard. Me that justifies it all by convincing himself that its not my fault, that other people should pick up a phone and make a effort but they don't. I use that as an excuse. I'm so great that people should just naturally want to make feel special by calling me "just to keep in touch". Despite the fact that I don't do a damn thing to let them know they are special. Cause I guess I just think I'm that much better then them.
Then again. I know I'm not. I know that I'm not better then them. I'm the least greatest among you all. So thats my new justification. The fact that everyone is so much better then me, the fact that they prove it by never calling me. Why should I call them. Why should I make a effort when I know they won't care. All I'm doing is feeding in to what is obviously an already over-inflated image of self worth on thier part.
Then I realize I'm just being selfish again. Again a giant prick. Again a fucking bastard. Thats me. Once again making an excuse. Only this time I'm such a giant son a bitch that I'm actually finding ways to make everyone else the bad guy.
Now. At this moment. I don't know where this leads me.
All I know is that right now. I'm a big ass hole.
I feel like I'm back at the beggining.
I'm feeling vindictive and angry.
Not at all in the holiday spirit.
Not at all forgiving.
I hope I don't get coal in my stocking........ again.
I have been in another place lately. Not here. Yet not there.
Somewhere not exactly inbetween.
Riding chad today, cantering, dirt flying up behind us in a small shower. Nostrils flaring. His outward breaths heavy in the chilled air. His sharp eyes watching. Head bowed gracefully.
Me, purched perfectly. Mind elsewhere. Moving sinuously. That was the most alive I have felt lately. The most "here" I have felt.
*****
I wish you knew me. But you don't. Its not your fault though.
If it helps. Your not alone. Only people who get to really know me. They are my parents. My brother. His girlfriend.
I'm someone else when I'm around you. Ever a graceful actor. Let me know who you would like me to be tomorrow. I'm sure I can handle it.
You don't get to meet me. I'm afraid I can't come out of this shell. It doesn't happen. Because I'm never comfortable. Not around you. I'm sorry about that too. But I'm not. You don't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. Please don't think that. Its me. Its how I am. Uncomfortable. I have been told that I have amazing confidence. That I'm to cocky.
Well its easy to be those things when you know that nobody is judging the real you. They are judging the personality of some character you created. You made him sure. But its not you they are judging. It's him. Some how. This helps you retain apathy.
Again. I'm sorry we will never know each other.
******
I'm so selfish sometimes. I was thinking about something the other day. How I lose touch with so many people.
Me being the selfish ass hole that I am. The giant prick. Me being that fucking bastard. Me that justifies it all by convincing himself that its not my fault, that other people should pick up a phone and make a effort but they don't. I use that as an excuse. I'm so great that people should just naturally want to make feel special by calling me "just to keep in touch". Despite the fact that I don't do a damn thing to let them know they are special. Cause I guess I just think I'm that much better then them.
Then again. I know I'm not. I know that I'm not better then them. I'm the least greatest among you all. So thats my new justification. The fact that everyone is so much better then me, the fact that they prove it by never calling me. Why should I call them. Why should I make a effort when I know they won't care. All I'm doing is feeding in to what is obviously an already over-inflated image of self worth on thier part.
Then I realize I'm just being selfish again. Again a giant prick. Again a fucking bastard. Thats me. Once again making an excuse. Only this time I'm such a giant son a bitch that I'm actually finding ways to make everyone else the bad guy.
Now. At this moment. I don't know where this leads me.
All I know is that right now. I'm a big ass hole.
I feel like I'm back at the beggining.
I'm feeling vindictive and angry.