(no subject)
I'm pretty sure this right here shows the passion of my boredom.
Just so you know, I could be getting drunk right now. I'm not though.
I could be fighting off 18 year old girls who are trying to experience life.
But I'm not. I'm here. Writing to you.
I could be.
But I'm not.
I won't lie though. The reason behind my innocence this night. Behind my boredom. My self preservation. The reason is because I have been burning at both ends. Self destruction.
See also: Me puking into the toilet at 9:15 before I left for work.
See also: Me realizing my scarf that got a little bit of vomit on it when I puked after dinner two nights ago, me realizing this sweater is dry clean only.
I explained why I rarely write in here to Megan. Fear. People I know read this. While I may not care what some of them think..... I know they sure don't care what I think. I still hate that feeling of being judged.
I really feel little impowerment about sharing my wrong choices. Although I'm sure of a positive entertainment value.
I will tell you this though. My friend Mathias. He is a year older.
My friend CJ's girlfriend. She is fantastic.
I went to the Grotto to see CJ. This is the plain truth. To anyone who may have sang. Sorry. But I didn't go for you. I won't lie about that. I went for CJ. I knew I would be late. Though not as late as I was. But I had to have someone on my arm. When I stood in silence while everyone beemed happily at seeing each other. I had to have someone who would stand there and feel ackward with me.
Its wierd seeing people.
I feel so loosely disconnected at times.
Some people did make me smile.
********
Its wierd looking back. Everything changes. How someone who you once felt you could connect so well with can suddenly make you feel ....... tense.....
See also: frightend
See also ackward.
They can stand in front of you. Rather then feel kinship. Friendship.
Rather then even feel nothing.
The moment you set eyes on them. Your survival instincts kick in. You feel worried. Nervous. Gotta run. Fly. Get away. Stay and fight. It takes everything in you to just stand. To just smile. Before you would have thought you would have just felt nothing. Possibly a slight kinship. What you thought was wrong. For some reason. This person frightens you. More so then you have felt recently. More so then just mild discomfort. Basic survival instincts.
This throws you off balance for hours. Your heart takes only minuts to return to its normal pace. You however are on edge for hours.
Sitting here. Dragging my naked ankle across the carpet. I feel tense remembing. Trying to drag up the emotions I felt at the moment..... The sense of panic returns instantly.
I think what made me so scares was the sense of illusion. Like it was all just some elaborate trick. The person there was not the person there. Someone completely different. Someone who makes you question those around you. Are they real. Or an elaborate trick of the mind. Of your mind. Or maybe thiers.
Just so you know, I could be getting drunk right now. I'm not though.
I could be fighting off 18 year old girls who are trying to experience life.
But I'm not. I'm here. Writing to you.
I could be.
But I'm not.
I won't lie though. The reason behind my innocence this night. Behind my boredom. My self preservation. The reason is because I have been burning at both ends. Self destruction.
See also: Me puking into the toilet at 9:15 before I left for work.
See also: Me realizing my scarf that got a little bit of vomit on it when I puked after dinner two nights ago, me realizing this sweater is dry clean only.
I explained why I rarely write in here to Megan. Fear. People I know read this. While I may not care what some of them think..... I know they sure don't care what I think. I still hate that feeling of being judged.
I really feel little impowerment about sharing my wrong choices. Although I'm sure of a positive entertainment value.
I will tell you this though. My friend Mathias. He is a year older.
My friend CJ's girlfriend. She is fantastic.
I went to the Grotto to see CJ. This is the plain truth. To anyone who may have sang. Sorry. But I didn't go for you. I won't lie about that. I went for CJ. I knew I would be late. Though not as late as I was. But I had to have someone on my arm. When I stood in silence while everyone beemed happily at seeing each other. I had to have someone who would stand there and feel ackward with me.
Its wierd seeing people.
I feel so loosely disconnected at times.
Some people did make me smile.
********
Its wierd looking back. Everything changes. How someone who you once felt you could connect so well with can suddenly make you feel ....... tense.....
See also: frightend
See also ackward.
They can stand in front of you. Rather then feel kinship. Friendship.
Rather then even feel nothing.
The moment you set eyes on them. Your survival instincts kick in. You feel worried. Nervous. Gotta run. Fly. Get away. Stay and fight. It takes everything in you to just stand. To just smile. Before you would have thought you would have just felt nothing. Possibly a slight kinship. What you thought was wrong. For some reason. This person frightens you. More so then you have felt recently. More so then just mild discomfort. Basic survival instincts.
This throws you off balance for hours. Your heart takes only minuts to return to its normal pace. You however are on edge for hours.
Sitting here. Dragging my naked ankle across the carpet. I feel tense remembing. Trying to drag up the emotions I felt at the moment..... The sense of panic returns instantly.
I think what made me so scares was the sense of illusion. Like it was all just some elaborate trick. The person there was not the person there. Someone completely different. Someone who makes you question those around you. Are they real. Or an elaborate trick of the mind. Of your mind. Or maybe thiers.