Brilliant Idiot
Study. Study. Study.
Life is hard. I have to say, I'm really taking to this whole 'experience the full emotional range of life, its successes and its failures, in a short course of time' thing. Up, down, change course, advance, gets smacked back, try again, get smacked back, advance beyond, change course, get smacked back...
I've decided that my place in life is destined to be one of ridiculous selfishness. Life affords one little in the way of forgiveness of err, it is to be my place to fuel my fire and fend off the biting wind, whether that involves hard labor or theft. I can not carry nor expect to be carried; all others will fend for themselves as I. I wonder if friends can fit into this paradigm at all. I suppose so, if they can recognize my mindset and see themselves to be the temporary allies they are.
I've been running into people on campus I'd known previously, they greet me with smiles and inquisitive discussion. It seems the flaw in my social life wasn't mine, but just that I placed the emphasis on my current 'friends'... what a fool I was.
Belief here, now dies. Faith buried. What it is to walk alone without expectations of my fellows, to have my guard down when I greet a stranger, is foreign. I bled so long I didn't realize that the well went dry. I didn't realize that no longer did those expected come to drink. If they will deny my blood, they deny my bond to them. They are no friends of mine.
I hunger. It is that hunger that will sustain me. Desire. Lust. Pure impurity. Acceptance of my humanity. Acceptance of the failures that are, were, and will be. Knowledge that not all failures fall solely on me, but can be the shortcomings of those whose flaws I overlook for love of them.
Love. Something that I have difficulty addressing, now. Something I built my life around. Something I grew desperately wanting of. My Love for family, friend, and partner. I drew a line in the sand, saw that the world fell short and believed that something I loved would grow to meet that line. Disappointed, I turned my aim on myself and on the idea of Love. My view of Love could only end in betrayal. Yet, I do not blame those who steered me to this redefinition. Rather, I can no longer place faith in the past that is etched in shades of lies.
I am a liar. I am a lowly form of life. Yet, I am more than my common man. Confusing, that's what I am. I need to seek out those who strive to be something more, rather than finding something lowly and attempting to salvage it, to rend it from the sinful growth about it. No sin is greater than a sin against yourself, I'm tired of fueling others and finding myself amongst sin. I deserve to seek what is decent, I deserve to view myself as decent, I deserve to spit on you for what you are.
I'm so hungry. It never goes away. How long have I been like this? Did I know? Did I just grow numb, or did I lie to myself along the way?
I don't remember where I was in this entry... I'm talking with Dustin... maybe I'll come back and finish whatever rant I was going on... not like anyone reads anyway.
Life is hard. I have to say, I'm really taking to this whole 'experience the full emotional range of life, its successes and its failures, in a short course of time' thing. Up, down, change course, advance, gets smacked back, try again, get smacked back, advance beyond, change course, get smacked back...
I've decided that my place in life is destined to be one of ridiculous selfishness. Life affords one little in the way of forgiveness of err, it is to be my place to fuel my fire and fend off the biting wind, whether that involves hard labor or theft. I can not carry nor expect to be carried; all others will fend for themselves as I. I wonder if friends can fit into this paradigm at all. I suppose so, if they can recognize my mindset and see themselves to be the temporary allies they are.
I've been running into people on campus I'd known previously, they greet me with smiles and inquisitive discussion. It seems the flaw in my social life wasn't mine, but just that I placed the emphasis on my current 'friends'... what a fool I was.
Belief here, now dies. Faith buried. What it is to walk alone without expectations of my fellows, to have my guard down when I greet a stranger, is foreign. I bled so long I didn't realize that the well went dry. I didn't realize that no longer did those expected come to drink. If they will deny my blood, they deny my bond to them. They are no friends of mine.
I hunger. It is that hunger that will sustain me. Desire. Lust. Pure impurity. Acceptance of my humanity. Acceptance of the failures that are, were, and will be. Knowledge that not all failures fall solely on me, but can be the shortcomings of those whose flaws I overlook for love of them.
Love. Something that I have difficulty addressing, now. Something I built my life around. Something I grew desperately wanting of. My Love for family, friend, and partner. I drew a line in the sand, saw that the world fell short and believed that something I loved would grow to meet that line. Disappointed, I turned my aim on myself and on the idea of Love. My view of Love could only end in betrayal. Yet, I do not blame those who steered me to this redefinition. Rather, I can no longer place faith in the past that is etched in shades of lies.
I am a liar. I am a lowly form of life. Yet, I am more than my common man. Confusing, that's what I am. I need to seek out those who strive to be something more, rather than finding something lowly and attempting to salvage it, to rend it from the sinful growth about it. No sin is greater than a sin against yourself, I'm tired of fueling others and finding myself amongst sin. I deserve to seek what is decent, I deserve to view myself as decent, I deserve to spit on you for what you are.
I'm so hungry. It never goes away. How long have I been like this? Did I know? Did I just grow numb, or did I lie to myself along the way?
I don't remember where I was in this entry... I'm talking with Dustin... maybe I'll come back and finish whatever rant I was going on... not like anyone reads anyway.