Song: "In Your Arms" - saib.
Today I went out with friends to get a load off the emotional pouting I have been doing.
I realized that I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I don't expect to reach out (due to their own situations) have been coming to me.
I have to say I really appreciate it.
But after I went out today, I think part of the reason that this didn't work out was because I told myself to not forget the bad things and to let it fester, so I'd have no regrets or attachment when it was over. Clearly there were red flags that many warned me about.
Especially in college, I was severely depressed. I was on medication because my depression was pretty high. They had to monitor me because I was contemplating suicide.
I also had a suicide attempt last year due to trying to break up because I felt miserable.
But I still don't know what changed earlier this spring...
...we still had terrible communication, but I don't know...things had gotten slightly better, but my self esteem was still off. Words of encouragement became more sincere. But when things got bad, I stood my ground because I was tired of feeling like trash when I tried to resolve something.
Maybe I also was stupid selfish and couldn't get the signals right...
But it all comes down to this. Part of the reason was I couldn't let go of the past and I let it be part of the present. I tried to improve when my mind was already made up. I ignored my feelings because I hoped that time would make things better. I knew buying things for me was his way of trying to show that he cared. I loved him for at least thinking of making things right.
I just would have liked to start over again genuinely. For me to so that, if I even get that chance again, is to mellow out away from a relationship. There were a lot of things I wanted but I've seemed to change that.
Even though I still feel sad and lonely...I want to do better for me, and for him...or whomever, because I don't expect anyone to wait for me.
And that's all.