(no subject)
Fever Pitch is definitely not worth re-watching.
Go to bed.
Its this same nervous energy. I'm up and I know my mind is on the verge of wandering, all without a drop of caffeine. I knew it ran deeper than that.
"Do you ever wish you could just turn it off?" she asked with that worried-eyed, almost apologetic smile. She was worried about if I approved of her question- if I could empathize. She already knew the answer, this was just habit- one that I was all too familiar with myself. I unconsciously sorted this away.
Of fucking course I wish I could turn it off. Being liquid-courage drunk is the greatest vacation for me. One of the greatest nights of my life was after a 14 hour drinking stint. It wasn't the lingerie party I went to, the music, the friends, or the scantily clad girls that made my night- it was being plastered to the point of truly not caring.
Don't get me wrong- I'm no alcoholic. I know better than to rest on substance abuse to make my life go the way I want it. I'm on a very active quest to eliminate those nagging questions and bad habits that I hold to my chest, forcing them into my core. I have associated to much with my insecurities in the past. I let them become me and muddy my true person. So few people know who I am at the core. Some days its too hard to see through the mire, and I can't even make out a discernible self image. Now i struggle to wipe the slate clean.
Step back. Get out of the muck.
I watch the paragraphs swell with frantic energy as I spiral ever deeper into that same mental purgatory. They become thicker and thicker strokes of confusion streaked across the window.
Habits. Thats all they are. Its not me.
I need more simple, unembellished statements in my vocabulary. Statements of opinion that I assert as fact. No more "I think" or "Can I just say..." It is this squeamish and meek speech that subtly manipulates my thoughts into self doubt.
She is right, though. I am not as embittered as I like to think I am. I still hold out quietly. I don't like to think about those thoughts wasted.
Some horrible discord was struck yesterday. Words echoed around and I sat like a child in a gymnasium and listened to those hard line decisions being made. I listened to plots of secession and rebellion. I heard rousing speeches of discontent and affirmation of purpose. I saw a flag flown and planted in the dirt. I missed my old reasonable friends. I tried to speak for them, but was drown out in the din from my cross legged post.
I saw round the back door. I saw betrayal. I saw that ugly fiend of fear pushing you to madness and isolation. I watched you strike out in anger. I felt you rain blows down on me. I trusted you. I trusted you. I extolled you. I forgot you were human. Maybe thats why I'll never know you as one.
Maybe I need to quit you. Maybe I need to face you. Maybe I need to tell you the secret other half of my thoughts that you glimpsed. You thought you knew me- that you had me pegged. Maybe you should know me now.
Maybe I should just quit you.
Go to bed.
Its this same nervous energy. I'm up and I know my mind is on the verge of wandering, all without a drop of caffeine. I knew it ran deeper than that.
"Do you ever wish you could just turn it off?" she asked with that worried-eyed, almost apologetic smile. She was worried about if I approved of her question- if I could empathize. She already knew the answer, this was just habit- one that I was all too familiar with myself. I unconsciously sorted this away.
Of fucking course I wish I could turn it off. Being liquid-courage drunk is the greatest vacation for me. One of the greatest nights of my life was after a 14 hour drinking stint. It wasn't the lingerie party I went to, the music, the friends, or the scantily clad girls that made my night- it was being plastered to the point of truly not caring.
Don't get me wrong- I'm no alcoholic. I know better than to rest on substance abuse to make my life go the way I want it. I'm on a very active quest to eliminate those nagging questions and bad habits that I hold to my chest, forcing them into my core. I have associated to much with my insecurities in the past. I let them become me and muddy my true person. So few people know who I am at the core. Some days its too hard to see through the mire, and I can't even make out a discernible self image. Now i struggle to wipe the slate clean.
Step back. Get out of the muck.
I watch the paragraphs swell with frantic energy as I spiral ever deeper into that same mental purgatory. They become thicker and thicker strokes of confusion streaked across the window.
Habits. Thats all they are. Its not me.
I need more simple, unembellished statements in my vocabulary. Statements of opinion that I assert as fact. No more "I think" or "Can I just say..." It is this squeamish and meek speech that subtly manipulates my thoughts into self doubt.
She is right, though. I am not as embittered as I like to think I am. I still hold out quietly. I don't like to think about those thoughts wasted.
Some horrible discord was struck yesterday. Words echoed around and I sat like a child in a gymnasium and listened to those hard line decisions being made. I listened to plots of secession and rebellion. I heard rousing speeches of discontent and affirmation of purpose. I saw a flag flown and planted in the dirt. I missed my old reasonable friends. I tried to speak for them, but was drown out in the din from my cross legged post.
I saw round the back door. I saw betrayal. I saw that ugly fiend of fear pushing you to madness and isolation. I watched you strike out in anger. I felt you rain blows down on me. I trusted you. I trusted you. I extolled you. I forgot you were human. Maybe thats why I'll never know you as one.
Maybe I need to quit you. Maybe I need to face you. Maybe I need to tell you the secret other half of my thoughts that you glimpsed. You thought you knew me- that you had me pegged. Maybe you should know me now.
Maybe I should just quit you.