I am sooo stressed.
The landlords came by today. I'll spare every detail. I'm a fuckup. There's the summary. They might be selling this house and they're going to be working on it a lot and just coming by more often. This.. makes me a nervous wreck. I've looked at other places but there's nothing that compares to this price-wise and it's not like I can afford to move anyway.
It feels like I'm losing every sense of security I have here. First my job, now my privacy, eventually maybe my home. It's hard to put up a good fight when it feels like everything is collapsing around me and, no matter how hard I try, there will be little resolution. It's my fault too. I let so many problems build up with this house. I deserve the guilt and fear I feel now. I'm just horrible at maintaining anything. I let everything fall apart, then find myself in some desperate moment trying to put it back together in some half-assed manner.
I don't want to be alone with this anymore. But how could I have a relationship when I can't even take care of myself and I have a history of only unhealthy, failed relationships? I'm a mess. But the therapist(waste of money) I went to yesterday said I need someone right now. She said it's understandable that I looked at personal ads when I lost my job, not job ads. Maybe I'll keep her around. I'm a psychologist's wet dream and she quickly noticed this as she sat on the edge of her seat listening to me speak. "Juicy" was a term she used. "Juicy." I'm paying you $35 so I can be your soap opera. Possibly $35 for 15 minutes if I heard you right, but I'm hoping you said 50. I'd cancel my next session to save the money I don't have but.. I'm too shy.
I can't find a job.
School is out, what was I thinking?
My father can't help me much longer.
Going back to Texas is not an option. There is no where to go to, even if I wanted to live with my father again.
I'm willing to put up a good fight but I need someone to show me that something will come from it.
I want someone to save me. I probably don't deserve a break but.. I could use one. I'm hurting. I'm in a bad spot. Someone please save me. There's something decent beneath all of this, I assure you.
I know. It's on me. I have to run into that burning building to save a person who has hurt me more than anyone, someone I loathe. Please excuse me if I hesitate. Please excuse me if I fail again. Please love me despite it all. Because I need love more than anything.
It feels like I'm losing every sense of security I have here. First my job, now my privacy, eventually maybe my home. It's hard to put up a good fight when it feels like everything is collapsing around me and, no matter how hard I try, there will be little resolution. It's my fault too. I let so many problems build up with this house. I deserve the guilt and fear I feel now. I'm just horrible at maintaining anything. I let everything fall apart, then find myself in some desperate moment trying to put it back together in some half-assed manner.
I don't want to be alone with this anymore. But how could I have a relationship when I can't even take care of myself and I have a history of only unhealthy, failed relationships? I'm a mess. But the therapist(waste of money) I went to yesterday said I need someone right now. She said it's understandable that I looked at personal ads when I lost my job, not job ads. Maybe I'll keep her around. I'm a psychologist's wet dream and she quickly noticed this as she sat on the edge of her seat listening to me speak. "Juicy" was a term she used. "Juicy." I'm paying you $35 so I can be your soap opera. Possibly $35 for 15 minutes if I heard you right, but I'm hoping you said 50. I'd cancel my next session to save the money I don't have but.. I'm too shy.
I can't find a job.
School is out, what was I thinking?
My father can't help me much longer.
Going back to Texas is not an option. There is no where to go to, even if I wanted to live with my father again.
I'm willing to put up a good fight but I need someone to show me that something will come from it.
I want someone to save me. I probably don't deserve a break but.. I could use one. I'm hurting. I'm in a bad spot. Someone please save me. There's something decent beneath all of this, I assure you.
I know. It's on me. I have to run into that burning building to save a person who has hurt me more than anyone, someone I loathe. Please excuse me if I hesitate. Please excuse me if I fail again. Please love me despite it all. Because I need love more than anything.