This is depressing, in a not at all depressing way.
God it is so much work. Maybe it is just my reading ayn rand and becoming the book/author im currently reading (which is crappy of me), but I've been exploring how very few people are truly real to themselves. Some of you, very few of you, have heard me say how picky I am about my lovers (and then ask me if that's only people I have sex with or romantic interests, and I see no difference) and there is a reason. I can't help but look for perfection in my eyes and I dont feel that anyone should do anything else but look for that. Why should you compromise your integrity? Why should you say "they're good in this way, while not in that...thats good enough, right?"? But the scary thing is I know why. Because maintaining consistency and being true to your convictions is so hard. So many people take the easy way out and stop listening to their own reason in order to live with more people. Fuck that. I will admit now that many of you, most of you, almost all of you get shit for the genuine me. These ljs are roundabout as close as you can get, but even then there are things only sacred enough for me and people who I know can understand them. But nearly everyone, including myself still, will know what is right for them and only them and take the other path anyway because it is simply easier than searching for people that are right, for other genuines. So many will respond to this post and say "I know what you mean" and really will, but when they say that they really won't becasue they have succumbed to the unreal so many times and continue to do so knowlingly or unknowingly. There are so many things I've never understood about people, and on some subjects I think it is because they have no reason for being that way (or at least no good reason).
When I was a child I remember the very time I thought this thought, stepping into the shower: I remember wishing their were some teacher to teach me this common sense that everyone had but myself and now I understand that it was because I found little reason in what so many people call "common sense". It is incredibly pervasive, this common sense that has little logical bound, and what is anything without logic? what is anything without real reason to do so? why should we sacrifice our own moral codes and our own standards to others? why should the limiting factor always be right?(example, non smokers getting their way simply because they are non smokers, rather than smoking truly being a bad thing because it makes the inevitable happen sooner)When we offer ourselves up to other's scrutiny we become a mirror for every other person out there, when everyone is a mirror of everyone else, the whole of society is so vulnerable to one proactive person's will. When that one person who is not a mirror affects the mirrors, everyone is under their control, and are not able to stand on their own against anything. Constantly, since childhood, have I searched for independance from anyone but myself: being self sufficient in happiness and food and everything, having no moral compromised and quitting the game as soon as it was and beginning one of my own, allowing other's to quit as they please.
But it is so hard casting others aside in this world of our because we are taught not to do so the moment we leap out of the womb, that love is something that is justified by others, that I cannot love someone that hates me because they hate me. Written out, any person would say "of course you dont!" and then go on hating those who hate them and loving those who will love them back. When I love, it is because the person deserves it which has no bearing on whether or not they like or dislike me, whether or not we talk or have any earthly bond at all: my lovers simply are, and that is all they have to be. But good lord, it is so difficult to know other's are shared by people who don't deserve them, that they prostrate themselves before the insufficient because they are insufficient and "deserve" a leg up they haven't even earned. I know that so many times before and henceforth will I be one of those people, but I will never ask for that leg up, nor will I ever accept one, because no gift is a gift when it is undeserved: it always carries with it a price I refuse to pay - the price of my own integrity and self worth. To pay that price is to give up whatever I believed in and become indebted to those who don't deserve it. I must stay genuine and I must spurn all that would ask of me otherwise, directly or indirectly (which is surprisingly/not surprisingly uncommon), if not in the physical world, than at least inside of myself, knowing that these people cannot have me and never will as long as they walk that path, as long as they ask me to justify them and to let them justify myself. Knowing and, in my own subtle way, never asking for anything else. Gah, this writing is so full of holes....I have so much work to do......the hard part in the whole thing is being your own inquisitor and saying "you are wrong, be better, you are shit, stop being that".....the pain is worth it, the pain itself is the affirmation of greatness. I will be great, and I will be great to no one else but me, and that is true greatness.
Avez un bonne nuit, mes amis.
P.S. probably more disconnected shit for you all, but ahh is this a moment of clarity for me, and if you understood what was written above, you'd know in your fibre that is all that matters to myself.
When I was a child I remember the very time I thought this thought, stepping into the shower: I remember wishing their were some teacher to teach me this common sense that everyone had but myself and now I understand that it was because I found little reason in what so many people call "common sense". It is incredibly pervasive, this common sense that has little logical bound, and what is anything without logic? what is anything without real reason to do so? why should we sacrifice our own moral codes and our own standards to others? why should the limiting factor always be right?(example, non smokers getting their way simply because they are non smokers, rather than smoking truly being a bad thing because it makes the inevitable happen sooner)When we offer ourselves up to other's scrutiny we become a mirror for every other person out there, when everyone is a mirror of everyone else, the whole of society is so vulnerable to one proactive person's will. When that one person who is not a mirror affects the mirrors, everyone is under their control, and are not able to stand on their own against anything. Constantly, since childhood, have I searched for independance from anyone but myself: being self sufficient in happiness and food and everything, having no moral compromised and quitting the game as soon as it was and beginning one of my own, allowing other's to quit as they please.
But it is so hard casting others aside in this world of our because we are taught not to do so the moment we leap out of the womb, that love is something that is justified by others, that I cannot love someone that hates me because they hate me. Written out, any person would say "of course you dont!" and then go on hating those who hate them and loving those who will love them back. When I love, it is because the person deserves it which has no bearing on whether or not they like or dislike me, whether or not we talk or have any earthly bond at all: my lovers simply are, and that is all they have to be. But good lord, it is so difficult to know other's are shared by people who don't deserve them, that they prostrate themselves before the insufficient because they are insufficient and "deserve" a leg up they haven't even earned. I know that so many times before and henceforth will I be one of those people, but I will never ask for that leg up, nor will I ever accept one, because no gift is a gift when it is undeserved: it always carries with it a price I refuse to pay - the price of my own integrity and self worth. To pay that price is to give up whatever I believed in and become indebted to those who don't deserve it. I must stay genuine and I must spurn all that would ask of me otherwise, directly or indirectly (which is surprisingly/not surprisingly uncommon), if not in the physical world, than at least inside of myself, knowing that these people cannot have me and never will as long as they walk that path, as long as they ask me to justify them and to let them justify myself. Knowing and, in my own subtle way, never asking for anything else. Gah, this writing is so full of holes....I have so much work to do......the hard part in the whole thing is being your own inquisitor and saying "you are wrong, be better, you are shit, stop being that".....the pain is worth it, the pain itself is the affirmation of greatness. I will be great, and I will be great to no one else but me, and that is true greatness.
Avez un bonne nuit, mes amis.
P.S. probably more disconnected shit for you all, but ahh is this a moment of clarity for me, and if you understood what was written above, you'd know in your fibre that is all that matters to myself.