Notebook
This is an exert from my Summer 2005 Notebook to Jamie (with some minor additions and changes). I wrote it this morning while my girls were still asleep and decided I'd post it on LiveJournal to try to portray my feelings about leaving camp as it was happening.
August 19, 2005
It's officially the last day of camp now. Yesterday was the last full day, but today is the day we leave. My stuff is almost packed :) With the exception of toiletries that I'll need to get ready this morning.
I remember life outside camp, but it's going to be strange returning to it. Camp is everything when you're here. The cabin is home, the people are your family. Granted that 2 months itsn't that long... but it'll change your life. As hard as this summer was, as much as I sweat and cried, I'm going to miss it. I'll miss the counselors, the drama, the kids... I won't get to hear the crazy things the kids say, or listen to them in awe of how mature a 12-year-old can be. I may never again play with Genesis's hair or get another hug from Andrew. It's kind of painful to think that that these kids who've had such an impact on my life may not remember my in the next few years. That I may end up just a passing memory... a face in a picture, the name of whom they can no longer remember. Something I did or said my affect them down the road, but they might not remember who did or said it. They may look back on camp with fondness, but never remember the reasons why.
Who knows, I may do the same. If I decide not to return next summer I may look at pictures and struggle to remember the names of the people in them. I may look back on this summer as a turning point in my life, but not remember the details that made it great. Of course, I'll have this notebook to read. And the pictures I took. And the friends. I'll still have some of these friends, I have to believe that. I have to believe that I'll see Adam and Julia again, that I'll keep in touch with Lynsey and Jess and everyone, that today isn't goodbye forever. If I don't believe that I may not get through this afternoon. I may not be able to say goodbye.
I can't wait to see my family and I can't wait to see you [Jamie], but it is breaking my heart to leave these people. To think they they've been here, listening to me complain, making me laugh, keeping me strong throughout the hardest time of my life. The whole summer was a roller-coaster of emotions, and it was definitely the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Moving to Georgia was tough, and I had a hard time of it for about a year... but it was something I had to deal with, not something I did. This summer I consciously chose to leave my family and friends and immerse myself in a world full of people from an entirely different lifestyle. I didn't always do the right thing, I made mistakes, I cried, I complained... but I did it. I feel pretty accomplished when I think about it from that angle. There are people who did a much better job than I did, but I did it.
...........................................................................................................................................
Now it's 11 and I'm back at Adam's apartment in Manhattan. We both have flights out of LaGuardia early tomorrow morning... I'm so freaking glad it worked out that way. First of all, it gives me more time to say goodbye. Plus, I don't have to sleep in the airport as I'd originally planned. Woo-hoo!
I cried when I said goodbye to Julia. She's leaving for Spain in a few weeks, and who knows when I'll get to see her next. It makes me so sad. I'll probably cry some more out of camp withdrawl when I get home. Strange to think how desperate I was to go home about 2 weeks ago, and now to think how much I'm going to miss life at Mariah. Not that it was all wonderful... it was hard and exhausting and emotionally taxing. The most emotional part of leaving is thinking that I may never see these friends again. That most of them will pick up their lives (as I'll pick up mine) and the two months we all spent together will be looked upon as a fond memory. The things that are making me feel so emotional right now will soon be in the past and there will be new things to feel emotional about. Oh man, life is so strange.