Holly Jolly Christmas
This has not been a Merry Christmas and I feel awful for putting my family through all this. I think the Dr X thing opened up an avalanche of all these issues... my doctor said that maybe my anxiety was covering up some depression. And now, I'm pretty sure that's what is going on in my head.
My self-esteem has never been great. I think that's why I get so upset when people flake on me, i take it as a personal attack on my character and myself. And now? My self-esteem is completely. COMPLETELY. gone.
Everyone seems to be in relationships, settling down, getting married. Five people I know got engaged in December. If you had asked people five years ago, which one of their friends would have been married first, I'm pretty sure most of them would have said Gordon and I. I was finally at the point where I could trust and love someone again and Dr X just threw it all away after I laid my heart out to him. I shouldn't have said those things to him because it scared him away. I was just so ready to have someone love me again.
I feel like I am not good enough for anyone... not good enough for him to choose me, not good enough to get a job as a teacher, not good enough for anything.That's the depression talking i know... i am focusing on the negatives, but i dont know how to focus on the positives. While I am thankful for having A job, it is not a fufilling job AT ALL and I feel useless. No one wants me as a teacher, I don't even know if I want to be a teacher anymore, and I feel like a failure. A let down to my parents.
My mom has been SO upset over me being upset and my dad just yells at me to "get over it". I feel guilty for being so upset all the time. I feel horrible for putting them through this. I just don't know how to feel better.
My doctor started me on some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety SSRIs (Cipralex) last thursday, but I haven't felt good yet. Actually, I've felt worse. Not hungry, upset stomach, wierd sleeping habits. It's just awful. I don't know if its worth it to give them some time to kick in or if it will just be more of this. I'm seeing my dr. on wednesday so that'll help.
I think I really need to talk to someone professional, but my dr. said that this is a busy time, being the holidays and all. I am just so tired of feeling like crap.
My self-esteem has never been great. I think that's why I get so upset when people flake on me, i take it as a personal attack on my character and myself. And now? My self-esteem is completely. COMPLETELY. gone.
Everyone seems to be in relationships, settling down, getting married. Five people I know got engaged in December. If you had asked people five years ago, which one of their friends would have been married first, I'm pretty sure most of them would have said Gordon and I. I was finally at the point where I could trust and love someone again and Dr X just threw it all away after I laid my heart out to him. I shouldn't have said those things to him because it scared him away. I was just so ready to have someone love me again.
I feel like I am not good enough for anyone... not good enough for him to choose me, not good enough to get a job as a teacher, not good enough for anything.That's the depression talking i know... i am focusing on the negatives, but i dont know how to focus on the positives. While I am thankful for having A job, it is not a fufilling job AT ALL and I feel useless. No one wants me as a teacher, I don't even know if I want to be a teacher anymore, and I feel like a failure. A let down to my parents.
My mom has been SO upset over me being upset and my dad just yells at me to "get over it". I feel guilty for being so upset all the time. I feel horrible for putting them through this. I just don't know how to feel better.
My doctor started me on some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety SSRIs (Cipralex) last thursday, but I haven't felt good yet. Actually, I've felt worse. Not hungry, upset stomach, wierd sleeping habits. It's just awful. I don't know if its worth it to give them some time to kick in or if it will just be more of this. I'm seeing my dr. on wednesday so that'll help.
I think I really need to talk to someone professional, but my dr. said that this is a busy time, being the holidays and all. I am just so tired of feeling like crap.