you fucking little bitch
my god do i hate girls... and sometimes i try really really really hard to give them a chance, but they never fail to prove me right. that girls are fucking evil ass bitches.
so i have been having an amazing time with amazing people. but i dunno the past few days i have felt like shit. all i want to do is sleep. all i want to do is cry. i realized the other day that it has almost been a year since i started going to see someone. and it's like i thought i was doing well, but i'm not okay right now. i feel fat and gross and ugly and used and worthless and ignored and ugh. i feel like no one cares except for kristen and that's about it. i haven't even been able to count on the two people i have always had there for me. even my family is being weird with me. my mom doesn't have time for me. she doesnt even realize what i've gotten myself into. my sister is too busy for me too. i'm just not worth their time. and even the only constant male figure in my life is being weird with me. i just don't get it. what do i do to deserve to be this way? why do i always lose everthing and everyone that is important to me? why am i not worthy of any good?
i feel like i've lost my mom and our relationship. i know it's both of our faults, even though she strictly blames me. and i feel like i've become this huge disappoint in my sister's eyes. and i feel like i'm slowly falling. i feel like i've slowly pushed away my education. i'm fucking failing a class, how the fuck did i let that happen? and why the fuck is it sitting so ok with me? i've lost the closeness of my male figure. and i lost the person i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with.
and thanks to him, i am even more scared than ever. i'm so scared to let myself go. i'm so scared to open up or even admit that i might have feelings toward someone. because i know the moment i put that out there, it is out there, and it can't be taken back, and therefore i will end up getting hurt and left alone. that always happens. always.
life has taught me some things. but the thing it has pounded the most into my head, is that you can't trust anyone, not even yourself. and that eventually you will lose everyone and everything that has ever held even an ounce of importance.
i'm over it. i'm so so fucking over it.
so i have been having an amazing time with amazing people. but i dunno the past few days i have felt like shit. all i want to do is sleep. all i want to do is cry. i realized the other day that it has almost been a year since i started going to see someone. and it's like i thought i was doing well, but i'm not okay right now. i feel fat and gross and ugly and used and worthless and ignored and ugh. i feel like no one cares except for kristen and that's about it. i haven't even been able to count on the two people i have always had there for me. even my family is being weird with me. my mom doesn't have time for me. she doesnt even realize what i've gotten myself into. my sister is too busy for me too. i'm just not worth their time. and even the only constant male figure in my life is being weird with me. i just don't get it. what do i do to deserve to be this way? why do i always lose everthing and everyone that is important to me? why am i not worthy of any good?
i feel like i've lost my mom and our relationship. i know it's both of our faults, even though she strictly blames me. and i feel like i've become this huge disappoint in my sister's eyes. and i feel like i'm slowly falling. i feel like i've slowly pushed away my education. i'm fucking failing a class, how the fuck did i let that happen? and why the fuck is it sitting so ok with me? i've lost the closeness of my male figure. and i lost the person i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with.
and thanks to him, i am even more scared than ever. i'm so scared to let myself go. i'm so scared to open up or even admit that i might have feelings toward someone. because i know the moment i put that out there, it is out there, and it can't be taken back, and therefore i will end up getting hurt and left alone. that always happens. always.
life has taught me some things. but the thing it has pounded the most into my head, is that you can't trust anyone, not even yourself. and that eventually you will lose everyone and everything that has ever held even an ounce of importance.
i'm over it. i'm so so fucking over it.