fail again
I feel like such a failure.
Yesterday I woke up in a really bad mood, like I knew something would go wrong. Put up the Christmas lights, watched my bf's hockey game, drew *was ok when I was drawing* then went home and hung out with him. He asked if we could watch the game downstairs today and I said my parents would be using the TV. We started talking about how I can't have a real conversation with my parents, and I tried to explain that they're not really like my parents, they're more like roommates. And he said he'd love it if his parents were like mine and I tried to explain that he wouldn't.
*our parents are opposites, mine are together, happily married, and ignore me. His were never married, his dad can (and will) walk out for days or weeks at a time and his mother will blame him for it, and they give him no privacy whatsoever. Not a very good environment to raise a kid in but can't help that now*
I said I would rather have parents like his, because I would have stood up to his mother, he said that she would have kicked him out if he did, and I tried to explain that I would have left waaaaaaay before she could legally kick me out. Then he started saying that my life is so good, how I've practically got it made, telling me all about the crap that has happened to him, and naturally I just shut my mouth and let him talk, as he cut me off every time I tried to back myself up. So by the end I was angry because its like he thinks IV forgotten all that he had been telling me *I knew all of it, we've had discussions like this before* and I felt extremely belittled because he treated my opinions like they were stupid and completely wrong.
We watched TV, I made dinner for him, all the while thinking about what he had said and what I wanted to say. One thing just kept coming back to me.... my parents have seen the scars on my wrists, they saw me getting thinner and thinner, refusing to eat, and they did nothing, absolutely nothing. They ignored it like it would go away if they didn’t see it. I was so anorexic that I couldn’t sleep, I was fasting for days at a time throughout the entire summer. I was dying, worse than my oldest sister *she got help*, passing out, depressed and secretive when I ate. I gained weight in the fall with the help of my bf and THEN they started asking if I had eaten anything that day, they didn’t want to deal with the crap until it started to get better. They ignored me for the most part, and they still do.
So he came upstairs and tried asking me what was wrong again and I said nothing, I didn’t want to talk. He ate and I had to leave the kitchen because it was too hard to be around all those knives. He told me he had cleaned up a little, and then he went to my room. I went to my room, told him I was searching for my pills and grabbed my knife instead. He came to the washroom and said that he knew what I was doing, sitting in front of the door... he begged me to come out and I just couldn’t, it felt too good and I didn’t feel right yet. I gave up halfway through and we went to my room and he said he was sorry, he didn’t know he was driving me that far again, he didn’t mean to. I explained why I was so upset and we felt a bit better. He left so I could compose myself and have privacy. He left me with my knife, it was so difficult to not start back up again, but I managed not to.
I just don't know what I’m doing anymore. I hate school, I miss my best friend, I want to go back to June 1st, 2005, and start it over fixing all my mistakes. But I cant and I'm just so confused. I don’t know if I can pull myself out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. I think I need help but I don’t know who to go to... there’s Mr. O the school guidance counsellor, but by now he would have to tell my parents and that is unacceptable.
I had this bizarre dream last night; I was at school except it was on a cliff by the ocean. It was so beautiful, cloudy, fog filled air, white metal staircases leading up to all the doors, and a massive cliff, leading to the ocean, about 100 meters from the side of the school. I remember that I was alone so I went to find some classmates, but when I found them they ignored me so I rushed through the cafeteria to the side doors. I got outside and sat down, holding my knees. Mr. B (my favourite teacher) had followed me; he started talking to me, asked if it was because of my parents and said no. I remember I started crying then I ran down the white staircase, dropped my bag, and ran to the cliff. I remember that he had followed me, yelling at me to stop the entire way, it was like I was in slow-motion - I couldn’t get my legs to go fast enough, my hair flew past slowly as I flipped my head back to see how far away he was, the cliff edge was so welcoming. You can guess what happens next, and then I woke up. And this dream.... I wanted to go back into the dream; the area was the most beautiful place I had ever been. It was like this lighthouse on Grand Ben island in New Brunswick, fog billowing up the cliff as the wind pushed it from the sea, short deep green grass and moss covering the ground, no sun, just the cold crisp air of the sea. I find myself wanting to go back, I want to be there, I liked the dream, I woke up feeling so satisfied and free... there is something seriously wrong with me. I know.