It's just as it appears.
It appears no one reads this anymore. At least no one that I know personally, nor talk to. So that's all ok.
It's been a rough year. I've had alot of thoughts going thru my head, not all of them exactly good ones. In fact, except for the day dreams, none of them have been good. In one month, it would have been one year to the day that a woman left on a plane, and left my world black. I gave her my world, and she torched it to the bone without so much as an after thought. This time of year is always really hard for me. The past three years running, my employment situation has been rocky at the best (this year) or non-existent at the worst (past two years). And always during the holidays. Last year though, it was better. Yea, I lost my job, had to move back to my parents, my car broke, and I had a kidney stone that hospitalized me, but I had the aforementioned woman. And then she left, And from across the country, 15 minutes into Christmas morning, she told me she never wanted to see or speak to me again. And after that, I was told I wasn't allowed to see my son for the remainder of the holidays. Almost a year later, everything still hurts. And the festering wound she left behind still burns to this day. It seemed like the pain got worse when she moved away, though I don't know the exact day. I just woke up one morning, and sobbed. The first 3 months of the new year, I had alcohol poisoning atleast 5 or 6 times. One of those times nearly killed me. I would wake up at night and feel my heart trying to stop. And I almost let it.
I'm still miserable, but for the sake of the people that love me and care about me, I pretend to feign happiness. It works better sometimes than others, but I know I have them fooled. I have no outlet for this misery, nor the pain. I have a constant doubt in the back of my mind that leads me to believe that I will never heal. I've never been this attached or hurt before, and it is made even more hurtful by the fact that I never say it comming.
So much for that.
It's been a rough year. I've had alot of thoughts going thru my head, not all of them exactly good ones. In fact, except for the day dreams, none of them have been good. In one month, it would have been one year to the day that a woman left on a plane, and left my world black. I gave her my world, and she torched it to the bone without so much as an after thought. This time of year is always really hard for me. The past three years running, my employment situation has been rocky at the best (this year) or non-existent at the worst (past two years). And always during the holidays. Last year though, it was better. Yea, I lost my job, had to move back to my parents, my car broke, and I had a kidney stone that hospitalized me, but I had the aforementioned woman. And then she left, And from across the country, 15 minutes into Christmas morning, she told me she never wanted to see or speak to me again. And after that, I was told I wasn't allowed to see my son for the remainder of the holidays. Almost a year later, everything still hurts. And the festering wound she left behind still burns to this day. It seemed like the pain got worse when she moved away, though I don't know the exact day. I just woke up one morning, and sobbed. The first 3 months of the new year, I had alcohol poisoning atleast 5 or 6 times. One of those times nearly killed me. I would wake up at night and feel my heart trying to stop. And I almost let it.
I'm still miserable, but for the sake of the people that love me and care about me, I pretend to feign happiness. It works better sometimes than others, but I know I have them fooled. I have no outlet for this misery, nor the pain. I have a constant doubt in the back of my mind that leads me to believe that I will never heal. I've never been this attached or hurt before, and it is made even more hurtful by the fact that I never say it comming.
So much for that.