rachel berry is going to become musically promiscuous
F: What's so funny?
R: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?
K: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.
J: That's Oliva Newton John's Physical. It was pretty groundbreaking material at the time considering its depiction of fluid sexuality.
F: Wait, wait. That's not Oliva Newton John. That's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
K: I can tell you I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injections during Cheerios practice.
A: Wait. Did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
F: I'm posting this on YouTube.
R: No, no, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
M: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.
J: I'm with Finn. You guys need to stop being such asses and start being badasses.
F: Ten bucks it goes viral by lunch.
W: What's a glist?
S: It's a Glee list, William. It's a weekly ranking of your Glee club based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently you get a point for each act of perpetuated act of depravity.
W: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.
S: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.
P: Back off. I didn't do squat.
T: Then why is your girlfriend first on the glist?
R: And why am I last? Besides from the fact that I refused to put out for you?
W: Okay, enough. No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?
P: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting things on fire and beating up people I don't know. I own that. But I'm not a liar.
W: Alright, here's the important point. Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
A: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seemed more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
W: Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with Regionals coming up. And I know winning Sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.
M: Man, this song is whack.
W: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that because of time or some bad press has become a joke. And like you guys it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works, and make them great again. And then hopefully you can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.
J: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.
W: You wanna bet? Hit it.
Yo VIP let's kick it / Ice Ice baby / All right stop collaborate and listen / Ice is back with my brand new invention / Something grabs a hold of me tightly / Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly / Will it ever stop yo I don't know / Turn off the lights and I'll glow / To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal / Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms / I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom / Deadly when I play a dope melody / Anything less than the best is a felony / Love it or leave it you better gain weight / You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play / If there was a problem yo I'll solve it / Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it / Ice ice baby / Vanilla Ice ice baby
Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet / Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it / My town that created all the bass sound / Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground / 'Cause my style's like a chemical spill / Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel / Conducted and formed / This is a hell of a concept / We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja / Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn / If my rhyme was a drug I'd sell it by the gram / Keep my composure when it's time to get loose / Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice / If there was a problem yo I'll solve it / Check out the hook while my dj revolves it
Ice ice baby / Vanilla Ice ice baby / Vanilla Ice ice baby / Vanilla Ice ice baby too cold too cold / Vanilla Ice ice baby too cold too cold / Yo man let's get out of here / Word to your mother
W: This song is officially paroled. Right, Jesse?
R: Jesse could have done better but you did a really good job.
R: I need to enlist the services of the AV club.
A: What did you have in mind?
R: My shame at appearing so low on the glist had made me reevaluate my image at this school and beyond. I now realize that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it?
R: Well mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
A: I'm going to stop you. You had me at sex tape. How can I help?
R: Hold onto your hat because Rachel Berry is going to become musically promiscuous.
R: Do you know that when we dated the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
P: That’s humiliating.
R: The fact is that slumming it with my actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
P: Wait. Do you wanna date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
R: As you know, I’m taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee club. I might be the last chance you have to salvage what’s left of your reputation and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that’s gonna help you to express your inner pain.
P: So what song you wanna do for your assignment?
R: I’ve chosen David Geddes fantastically terrible 70s top ten hit Run Joey Run.
R: It’s a story song so we get to play parts. I’m going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end a la Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge and you can be the hunky heroic male lead.
P: Do I get to kill you?
R: Actually my dad shoots me with a shotgun.
P: Do you think I made that glist? Honestly.
R: Well it does sound like something that you would do.
P: God, I’m so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I’ve made. I’ve tried to be a good guy, I go to school and I say “be cool Puck, be nice” but by second period I’ve got a fire extinguisher in my hand and I’m spraying some dweeb with it and I don’t know how I got there.
R: I understand, yeah. I sit in Glee club, and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out! Granted, generally I’m right but doesn’t do much for my reputation.
P: It does suck when you do that.
R: How do you think we can get people to see us differently?
P: I dunno.
R: I can’t-I can’t do this.
P: You know, whoever made that glist is gonna put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
R: Noah, I’m ironically turned on by your bad boy image but I think we should just keep this professional.
P: Alright, I’m out. Why should I stay if there’s no chance of us making out?
R: Noah, please come and sit down and let’s work on the project okay? It’ll help us both, I promise.
W: Alright, guys, listen up. Another week has almost passed. If a glist goes up again later today, this issue is out of my hands and it becomes Principal Figgins jurisdiction.
F: Seriously, Mr. Schue, whoever made that list is not going to come forward. We might as well bend over and take whatever's coming.
W: Fine. Okay, well then, let's get to it. Rachel, why don't you show us your bad reputation project.
R: I'd like to say a few words first. Though I understand a motion picture should stand on its own, I do realize that some of you are not well versed in the complex vocabulary of the filmic arts. I expect that this video will go over some of the heads of our less cultured teammates. So let me just say I hope you enjoy my bad reputation. Lights. Okay, go.
Daddy please don't / It wasn't his fault / He means so much to me / Daddy please don't / We're gonna get married / Just you wait and see
Every night, the same old dream / I hate to close my eyes / I can't erase the memory / The sound of Julie's cry / She called me up, late that night / She said, "Joe, don't come over / My Dad and I just had a fight / And he stormed out the door / I've never seen him act this way / My God, he's goin' crazy / He said he's gonna make you pay / For what we done-- he's got a gun / So run, Joey run, Joey run!"
Daddy please don't / It wasn't his fault / He means so much to me / Daddy please don't / We're gonna get married / Just you wait and see
Got in my car, and I drove like mad / 'Til I reached Julie's place / She ran to me, with tear-filled eyes / And bruises on her face / All at once I saw him there / Sneaking up behind me (Watch out!) / Then Julie yelled, "He's got a gun!"
And she stepped in front of me / Suddenly, a shot rang out / And I saw Julie falling / I ran to her, I held her close / When I looked down, my hands were red / And here's the last words Julie said
Daddy please don't / It wasn't his fault / He means so much to me / Daddy please don't / We're gonna get married
Run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run
R: Well, why don't we just, um, take a moment to really absorb what we've just watched.
F: This is garbage!
W: Finn!
P: No, he's right. First of all I need to trust my instincts more because I had a feeling when we were shooting that, that it was not going to be good.
J: Why didn't you tell me they were in this too? I thought you and I were going out. Being triple cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend is mortifying.
R: It was an artistic statement.
F: No, it wasn’t. It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot slutty girl singer.
F: How could you do this to me? To all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than your relationships?
R: Jesse, wait.
R: Hi. Are you still mad at me?
J: You know before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep, what kind of girl you were.
R: What did they say?
J: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot but that, that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them.
J: The most interesting part was that even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.
R: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment, okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm sure you can understand that.
J: On that level, sure. But as the guy that gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.
R: I knew you would break my heart.
J: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks that I'm the big heartbreaker but the fact of that matter is you broke mine first.
J: Do me favor. If we end up next to each other on the ballet club this week just do your arabesques and piques in silence. Don't talk to me.
(Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round / (Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears / (Turn around) Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes / (Turn around, bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever / And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it to the end of the line / Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark / We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time there was light in my life, now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can say a total eclipse of the heart
(Turn around, bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart / (Turn around, bright eyes) Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight / And I need you more than ever
And we'll only be making it right / Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line / Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)
I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks / I really need you tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight / Once upon a time I was falling in love / But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do / A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
I ♥ Rachel Berry