(no subject)
so life, eh?
well, hina's wedding was just completely beautiful. she looked incredible and seemed really happy and has grown up a whole lot since i last saw her. of course we only got about ten seconds to actually talk to her, buuuut that's sorta to be expected. in the meantime, the 'five' from high school was all together for the first time in a really long time. it was pseudo-awkward for about a minute and a half, and then it was sort of like we just never left. and everyone got along and we took stupid pictures (see facebook in the upcoming days/weeks), and ate a lot and just generally enjoyed ourselves. i liked it a lot. also, i can see how we're all doing that half-changed, still always the same thing. i see it in myself, too. i like who i'm becoming.
so this week i reached my breaking point.
all this time i've been on-and-off anxious, but when i got back from the wedding it peaked. tuesday i had an absolutely horrible day at work. everything went wrong, and i came home completely miserable, having burst into tears multiple times from stress and frustration. there were four liters of liquid in my trunk (not water, but pseudoslime. yes really), i had gotten completely lost in DC in the POURING rain, and, to make matters worse, i was late to a show, which is prettymuch the worst thing ever. about a hundred people were sitting around waiting for me. i was covered in chemicals that had crusted over, there were fruit flies in my car, stuff everywhere, and it was muggy as hell to boot. to make matters worse, when i'm stuck in traffic or stressed out, i think about the rest of my life, and realize that in the scheme of things, being five minutes late to three year olds that won't remember anything anyway is not such a big deal. however, my life is in shambles. i couldn't get the one school that had contacted me to actually give me an interview, so i have no job. i have training for my MCert program tomorrow, and they said it was mandatory (even though they gave me barely a week's notice), and jamie told me that getting off work that morning would screw us all over. i had written an email in desperation to dr. travers, who is one of the coordinators of the program, pleading for help and/or alternatives. she basically told me in the vaguest, most education-like way she could that i would be a complete waste of life if i didn't go, and that i'm a shitty student to boot. also, i have no place to live, and my lease is up in two weeks. i had written an email to a friend of a good friend last week, who was "desperate for a roomate," andddd he still hadn't gotten back to me. i called him, to get some dick answer (which was financially smart of him, but still a cowardly way to approach the situation). so, okay, no easy place to live for a few months before moving in with liz. shit. i called my cousin, who lives maybe 45 minutes south of me, and he took a few hours to call me back. so, in the meantime, i sobbed and sobbed. and when i was done, i took a deep breath, and then sobbed a whole lot more. it just seems that no matter which way i turn lately, i'm burning bridges or can't get a response from anyone. so once i thought i had control over the sturdiness of my voice, i called jamie. she said she'd reschedule and that she knew how obnoxious a master's degree can be (she's working on hers now, too). it took all my strength not to cry of shame and relief. then i got my bearings, and looked up temporary places to live in/near college park to hold me over till i move in permanently. i then took a roll and a half of paper towels and cleaned up the pond in my trunk. then sam and tom (thank youuuu) helped me drag up the ten million boxes of crap i keep in my car (yay science!), and i propped up the carpet so it could dry as best as possible. by then brian showed up, and helped me clean out the rest of my car (to say goodbye to the fruit flies). and then sam and tom made funnel cake, and it was pretty delicious. and joe called back. i'm more than welcome to stay with him for a few months; i'll be living in the basement. cool. the next day the woman from wheaton HS called me back to confirm an interview. score. my job went well, i was on time to everything, and feeling pretty good about life. still don't have a job, but was on the right track. still had no housing, but soon liz will be home and things will be good. life was lookin' up. anddd then liz sends me facebook message which is prettymuch "hey, soooo living with julia is economically smarter than living halfway between me and you, soooo i'm not living with you. unless you want to move in with us, which would be really fun." so, seeing as she already knew i didn't want to live with julia, and i didn't want to live with only three people in an apartment/house/whatever, she knew that she sorta just kicked me out. i wasn't mad, her reasons make sense, but i was pretty upset. i've been freaking out for months about the housing situation, but waiting it out because that's what works for liz. so all of my good news of the past 24 hours had sort of been undone by the familiar feeling of overwhelming uncertainty. i think what kills me about the situation is that i could have avoided 90% of the freakouts of the past five months if i had been actively looking throught this time period. sooooooo i cried some more. and then i found nick, and we went out to the fe and had burgers and drank a lot and smoked a lot, and just caught up. i paid for all of maybe $7, seeing as he actually has steadier income than i do and insisted on paying. and i sorta just let it all go.it's probably for the best that i can do what i want. i'm worried that i won't find a studious, neat roomate in cheap housing, because that's what i need. but i can still go to alexandria, and i will. even if the commute will be awful, it's a nice place to live with people that care about me. that's all i really wanted in the first place, so yeah. and tomorrow i go to training with everyone, so i can ask around and see what everyone else is doing about living situations, and how many of them have jobs, etc. if we're all struggling together, i'll feel a lot better. if i'm one of the few that's still uncertain, i'm going to be anxious all over again. but at least i can relax until tomorrow morning. here's to hoping. i just want some reassurance, and a few answers. past that, i'm not picky.
i'm going up to jersey on saturday for brian's 'hey wow i graduated' brunch. i get to meet a lot of the extended family and friends of the family and homefriends and all kinds of people. i'm looking forward to it. his parents and brother seem to like me fine, so i can show up and just be comfortable, because really, if i don't impress his great aunt suzy or the guy that lives three blocks over, it's not the end of the relationship. at least i'm assuming not. *shrug* and then he moves away. although i'm obviously sad, i'm not that worried about it. maybe it's naive, but i really do think things will be okay, at least for a few months. it might get old to never be around him anymore, but teachers get weird days off. maybe i can take a three-day weekend and play housewife for the day or something. also, the fact that i'm not worried makes me less worried, if that makes any sense at all. hmmm.
i think i'm going to clean my room for real this time, get directions for tomorrow, and sip tea and watch girl tv or read a book. because if i get one night to be worry-free, it's probably tonight. lurve.
well, hina's wedding was just completely beautiful. she looked incredible and seemed really happy and has grown up a whole lot since i last saw her. of course we only got about ten seconds to actually talk to her, buuuut that's sorta to be expected. in the meantime, the 'five' from high school was all together for the first time in a really long time. it was pseudo-awkward for about a minute and a half, and then it was sort of like we just never left. and everyone got along and we took stupid pictures (see facebook in the upcoming days/weeks), and ate a lot and just generally enjoyed ourselves. i liked it a lot. also, i can see how we're all doing that half-changed, still always the same thing. i see it in myself, too. i like who i'm becoming.
so this week i reached my breaking point.
all this time i've been on-and-off anxious, but when i got back from the wedding it peaked. tuesday i had an absolutely horrible day at work. everything went wrong, and i came home completely miserable, having burst into tears multiple times from stress and frustration. there were four liters of liquid in my trunk (not water, but pseudoslime. yes really), i had gotten completely lost in DC in the POURING rain, and, to make matters worse, i was late to a show, which is prettymuch the worst thing ever. about a hundred people were sitting around waiting for me. i was covered in chemicals that had crusted over, there were fruit flies in my car, stuff everywhere, and it was muggy as hell to boot. to make matters worse, when i'm stuck in traffic or stressed out, i think about the rest of my life, and realize that in the scheme of things, being five minutes late to three year olds that won't remember anything anyway is not such a big deal. however, my life is in shambles. i couldn't get the one school that had contacted me to actually give me an interview, so i have no job. i have training for my MCert program tomorrow, and they said it was mandatory (even though they gave me barely a week's notice), and jamie told me that getting off work that morning would screw us all over. i had written an email in desperation to dr. travers, who is one of the coordinators of the program, pleading for help and/or alternatives. she basically told me in the vaguest, most education-like way she could that i would be a complete waste of life if i didn't go, and that i'm a shitty student to boot. also, i have no place to live, and my lease is up in two weeks. i had written an email to a friend of a good friend last week, who was "desperate for a roomate," andddd he still hadn't gotten back to me. i called him, to get some dick answer (which was financially smart of him, but still a cowardly way to approach the situation). so, okay, no easy place to live for a few months before moving in with liz. shit. i called my cousin, who lives maybe 45 minutes south of me, and he took a few hours to call me back. so, in the meantime, i sobbed and sobbed. and when i was done, i took a deep breath, and then sobbed a whole lot more. it just seems that no matter which way i turn lately, i'm burning bridges or can't get a response from anyone. so once i thought i had control over the sturdiness of my voice, i called jamie. she said she'd reschedule and that she knew how obnoxious a master's degree can be (she's working on hers now, too). it took all my strength not to cry of shame and relief. then i got my bearings, and looked up temporary places to live in/near college park to hold me over till i move in permanently. i then took a roll and a half of paper towels and cleaned up the pond in my trunk. then sam and tom (thank youuuu) helped me drag up the ten million boxes of crap i keep in my car (yay science!), and i propped up the carpet so it could dry as best as possible. by then brian showed up, and helped me clean out the rest of my car (to say goodbye to the fruit flies). and then sam and tom made funnel cake, and it was pretty delicious. and joe called back. i'm more than welcome to stay with him for a few months; i'll be living in the basement. cool. the next day the woman from wheaton HS called me back to confirm an interview. score. my job went well, i was on time to everything, and feeling pretty good about life. still don't have a job, but was on the right track. still had no housing, but soon liz will be home and things will be good. life was lookin' up. anddd then liz sends me facebook message which is prettymuch "hey, soooo living with julia is economically smarter than living halfway between me and you, soooo i'm not living with you. unless you want to move in with us, which would be really fun." so, seeing as she already knew i didn't want to live with julia, and i didn't want to live with only three people in an apartment/house/whatever, she knew that she sorta just kicked me out. i wasn't mad, her reasons make sense, but i was pretty upset. i've been freaking out for months about the housing situation, but waiting it out because that's what works for liz. so all of my good news of the past 24 hours had sort of been undone by the familiar feeling of overwhelming uncertainty. i think what kills me about the situation is that i could have avoided 90% of the freakouts of the past five months if i had been actively looking throught this time period. sooooooo i cried some more. and then i found nick, and we went out to the fe and had burgers and drank a lot and smoked a lot, and just caught up. i paid for all of maybe $7, seeing as he actually has steadier income than i do and insisted on paying. and i sorta just let it all go.it's probably for the best that i can do what i want. i'm worried that i won't find a studious, neat roomate in cheap housing, because that's what i need. but i can still go to alexandria, and i will. even if the commute will be awful, it's a nice place to live with people that care about me. that's all i really wanted in the first place, so yeah. and tomorrow i go to training with everyone, so i can ask around and see what everyone else is doing about living situations, and how many of them have jobs, etc. if we're all struggling together, i'll feel a lot better. if i'm one of the few that's still uncertain, i'm going to be anxious all over again. but at least i can relax until tomorrow morning. here's to hoping. i just want some reassurance, and a few answers. past that, i'm not picky.
i'm going up to jersey on saturday for brian's 'hey wow i graduated' brunch. i get to meet a lot of the extended family and friends of the family and homefriends and all kinds of people. i'm looking forward to it. his parents and brother seem to like me fine, so i can show up and just be comfortable, because really, if i don't impress his great aunt suzy or the guy that lives three blocks over, it's not the end of the relationship. at least i'm assuming not. *shrug* and then he moves away. although i'm obviously sad, i'm not that worried about it. maybe it's naive, but i really do think things will be okay, at least for a few months. it might get old to never be around him anymore, but teachers get weird days off. maybe i can take a three-day weekend and play housewife for the day or something. also, the fact that i'm not worried makes me less worried, if that makes any sense at all. hmmm.
i think i'm going to clean my room for real this time, get directions for tomorrow, and sip tea and watch girl tv or read a book. because if i get one night to be worry-free, it's probably tonight. lurve.