Rambling thoughts of the night

[twirdil]

In the darkness I sit and contemplate my life. I contemplate my goals. I search my soul. I seek that which I need. I seek the half that is missing. I search my thoughts for a happiness I can not find. I fight the wave of pain in my heart. I fight the thoughts that would drag me into the darkness that surrounds me. I want my other half. I want my

Comments

Re: Why you cannot have these things -

[twirdil]

Wow it has been a long time since I signed into livejournal. I am suprised that anyone even bothered to look at this post. The fact that you are replying to it 2 years after the fact shows that someone is still watching though. As such I feel there are some things you should know then.

First of all, I did do this. I created my own problem and wallowed in the misery it created. I beat myself up as you put it to make myself feel better for what I had done to everyone else. Creating my own pain helped me deal with the pain I had inflicted on others. But guess what I do not control everyone else. I can not take away the pain I have inflicted on others. I can only deal with myself because in the end I only control myself. Other than truly expressing the fact that I am repentant and truly apologize for the things I have done there is nothing else I can do for others. Beyond that I can only move forward and try to improve myself and make myself a better person than I was at that point in my life. The fact that you posted this anonymous means that you are hardly one to be calling me out to own up and make changes. You post this anonymous two years after this post went up and not knowing what changes have occured in my life and you want to say I am not man enough to own up?

Second of all, this post was not so much whining as just a pouring out my thoughts on to some form of medium so that I could start dealing with them. I do not really see where you have the right to hop on MY journal and accuse me of whining. Its my JOURNAL. It would only make sense that if I was posting in my JOURNAL then I would be expressing my thoughts and thus I could not be whining. Unless you want to go so far as to say that anyone who posts or writes in their own journal about their thoughts that day is whining about their life rather than dealing with it in their own way.

Last of all, not suprisingly I do not have a clue who you are but then again you wanted it that way so that you could feel better about calling me out. In the end I am diffirent person than I was when I made this post to begin with. You would not know that clearly because you are not a part of my life now. I can not take back any of things I have done to you and I may not even have known about what I was doing to you at the time I was doing it. I was in a very bad place at the time that you are refering to. Granted I do not remember any woman telling me how much she loved me to my face several times at the time that I was "banging" two married women as you put it. Maybe I was just blind to what was right in front of my face but I can not change the fact that I was blind. I am truly sorry for hurting you because in the end it was never truly my intention to do so. Maybe you think I was out to inflict pain on everyone else but thats your choice to see it that way.

In parting I would just like to say that if you are going to judge someone and call them out on something at least have an understanding of who they are now rather than commenting on something so old and do so under your real name rather than hiding in the dark. And if so many people felt I went out of my way to make them feel incomplete, lost, unwanted, worthless, etc then maybe they need to let me know rather than one person speaking for them all.