and i heard 'em say, nothing's ever promised tomorrow, today
what is the thing i most desire? is it the return of my father? is it financial security? sexual fulfillment? romantic happiness? all of these last three could be classed as removals of external worries... i know that it is not true that the thing i would most like is to be thinner. it seems unlikely that it is any of the last three, the removals of external worries, as we’re speaking of the thing i most desire, and i’m not actively seeking any of these things. it could be argued that i’m working towards financial security by going to school, but it’s an indirect and unsure way to go about it, what with debt and the lack of a guaranteed job. i want my father back, but since i wouldn’t know how to go about that, i plan ways to memorialize him on my skin and i move towards seeking happiness, which i imagine can be affected through job satisfaction and the less flashy trappings of the american dream- an apartment in a city, mostly. i go looking for new music to love, new books to meet, i try to figure out whether i’m a bad person, or sometimes just whether i’m an unappealing person, and i try to figure out ways to ameliorate the situation. i treasure my friends, but i have a bad habit of absentmindedly misplacing them, so that even though i think of them, i don’t see them or speak to them.
i badly want to spend more time with my sister, but not as badly as i want to move towards what i see as my future- it’s within my power to be much closer to her, i could make those decisions, but instead i walk slowly towards a life spent in quiet rooms full of books. i want to work out the things about myself that i see as problems, but generally i do little about it- working slowly or not at all towards solutions. when it comes to some of the things that worry me- emotional ones and physical, mostly concerning relationships and such- no matter how much i want or worry, i seem somehow content to wait and hope that something good will happen to me.
i yearn for friendship, then worry that my friends are somehow displeased with me or by me.
what is the thing i most desire? there are many things that it clearly isn't, but i feel like i can't pin down what it is just at the moment.
...
apparently this is what happens when i reread harry potter? the astute reader may notice that my writing is still affected by having just read jonathan strange and mr norrell.
hi!
i love, i love
-s
i badly want to spend more time with my sister, but not as badly as i want to move towards what i see as my future- it’s within my power to be much closer to her, i could make those decisions, but instead i walk slowly towards a life spent in quiet rooms full of books. i want to work out the things about myself that i see as problems, but generally i do little about it- working slowly or not at all towards solutions. when it comes to some of the things that worry me- emotional ones and physical, mostly concerning relationships and such- no matter how much i want or worry, i seem somehow content to wait and hope that something good will happen to me.
i yearn for friendship, then worry that my friends are somehow displeased with me or by me.
what is the thing i most desire? there are many things that it clearly isn't, but i feel like i can't pin down what it is just at the moment.
...
apparently this is what happens when i reread harry potter? the astute reader may notice that my writing is still affected by having just read jonathan strange and mr norrell.
hi!
i love, i love
-s